Hello friends, I’m Giorgio Tsoukalos. Many of you may recognize me from the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens series. What may surprise you is that I was actually born in Switzerland; however my love for America knows no bounds. Only America allows me to make millions of dollars promoting the ancient astronaut theory. I owe all of my success to the America and, more importantly, Americans.
That is why I feel the need to warn all of you about a threat to America that comes from within our very borders. You see, America’s greatest enemy is not terrorists, illegal immigrants, national debt, or income disparity. America’s greatest enemy is pants. Yes, pants. The restrictive and uncomfortable force of pants and the unnecessary restraint they place upon our personal liberties. Some may argue that a society without pants is not a society at all, or that those without pants are savages. These people are the enemy.
You see, I believe we have been reading Marxist theory incorrectly. By "means of production," Marx did not mean factories and iron ore; he meant the human body’s reproductive organs. Society will not reach its pinnacle through a redistribution of the 'means of production,' but rather by throwing off the shackles of khakis, chinos, and blue jeans and embracing the freedom that is life without pants. You may wonder, how could this obviously wrong interpretation of Marx become the predominant one? Well, you have to remember Russians got a hold of it, and they ruin everything.
The threat of pants is so pervasive and out in the open that it largely goes unnoticed. The incorrect reading of Marxism paints blue jeans as the badge of the proletariat. When the proletariat revolts, blue jeans will be their calling card and a sign of the revolution, similar to how the sans-culottes symbolized the third-estate’s rise in revolutionary France. You see, pants have long painted themselves as the ally of the masses, all while suppressing these same groups. Wearing blue jeans is more like branding yourself as cattle than aligning yourself with the downtrodden.
Historically, our incorrect reading of Marx has led us to mock and ridicule those clairvoyant few that saw the evil force of pants at work and tried to save others.
We as a country do not need to stand divided over simple issues or stand united against the enemy abroad. Simply put, we have no need to go looking for trouble, the greatest threat to our society, and all of human civilization for that matter, is right in front of us.
Would America be pant’s first victim? No.
Did pants exist when Rome was at the height of its power? No, but they did when Rome fell. This isn’t surprising, but it should be further noted that the various Germanic tribes are labeled "savages" by our modern textbooks, further evidence of the widespread and ever-present force of pants. Likewise, the ‘special relationship’ between America and Great Britain has blinded us to the obvious fact that it was the British who initially sold their soul to the power of pants in exchange for world domination. Pants destroyed Rome and then sent the earth into the Dark Ages, where it remained until sea exploration began. With newly discovered, and pantsless, lands seemingly for the taking, it was the British who were offered world domination by the forces of pants. Both got what they wanted, but British civilization became so focused on expanding and colonizing that it fell drastically behind in other aspects of culture, most notably food and dental hygiene.
Now, I’m sure some of you are wondering why I am telling this message to a college football blog? The answer is simple. Football captivates millions of Americans. If placed in the wrong hands, it could become a tool of social control. Unfortunately, the evil force of pants are at work within our beloved sport.
Marx foresaw the entire 2011 conference realignment scenario. The ascension of TCU to the Big-12, and AQ status, is the true revolution of the proletariat. TCU’s Casey Pachall is America’s predestined savior and champion of the forthcoming pantless society.
You see, how else could the ginger Andy Dalton be so successful? Gingers and sports go together like Christmas ham and Hi-C juice boxes. Yet Dalton succeeded. I believe Andy Dalton’s red hair was the flare that announced the coming revolution. Under his guidance, TCU became known amongst the people. However, knowing and seeing are two different things and the MTN Network prevented the latter from occurring. TCU’s entrance into the Big-12 gives them the stage for Pachall to fully announce the revolution’s arrival.
The signs are clear, not only through the actions of Pachall, but also coach Gary Patterson. One only needs to look at Patterson’s relationship with pants on the sideline. Patterson, obviously uncomfortable in his restrictive khakis, has been mocked for how he continually pulls them up. You see, Gary Patterson is anti-pants to the core, so much so that pants try to rid themselves of him. Patterson is one of the few individuals on this earth that actually wears his pants, rather than the other way around.
However, none of this would matter if not for two of the Big-12’s existing members. Opposite of the pantless champion Pachall stands the state of Kansas. Yes, even America’s Heartland has subjugated itself to pants. Both Kansas and Kansas State University subscribe to the doctrine of pants. Conveniently, the two schools paint themselves as rivals, but that is a ruse. One only needs to look at their current coaches.
If we parallel the evil force of pants on this earth to the prophecy that is George Lucas’s Star Wars, Kansas State’s Bill Snyder is the emperor. Snyder has never not worn pants. It is impossible to even picture him in anything other than khakis. He is immortal, such is the vast power of pants. Snyder will coach forever, sucking every ounce of life possible from what is brought before him. One only needs to look at how Snyder’s teams succeed off turnovers, recycle Juco’s, and ignore all flash. They are a purple glacier: ever advancing, unyielding, slow, and with victory never in doubt. Their play embodies the evil force of pants.
Of course, while the bland style of KSU football matches the setting of Manhattan, Kansas, it would not win over converts in major population centers like Los Angeles or Lubbock. Ever crafty, the force of pants fixed this dilemma with a faux retirement. The immortal Snyder bowed to his supposed old age, giving rise to greatest coaching regime ever: The Reign of Ron Prince.
Prince’s brand of high-octane offense and domineering defense was far too radical for the people of Manhattan, however, the force of pants desired for Prince to establish himself as The Immortal Emperor Snyder’s champion. With his clear success in three seasons at the helm, Ron Prince was primed for greener pastures. It is important to note that Prince was not fired, he was sent off to win converts for the forces of pants. Why else would Kansas State pay him so much money after he left? He was the Trojan Horse from which the evil force of pants would emerge.
Kansas State brought back the Immortal One to coach, where he continues to exceed in his bland style. Prince was cast off. Oddly, his coaching prowess was too great for any of the existing coaching jobs. Prince wasn’t going to belittle himself by coaching in some backwater locale like Reno or Ames. The Prince waits for an opening in Austin or Piscataway, the only suitable fiefdoms for his Princely reign.
Opposite of Snyder’s and, more so, the Prince’s success at Kansas State, the University of Kansas has been remarkably awful in recent years. Since the high point of the Orange Bowl victory, Kansas has been incompetent at best. This, like the apparent rivalry between the two schools, is a ruse. Kansas’s failures are all in the name of making Snyder’s Kansas State teams even more dominating. Kansas purposely puts all its efforts into basketball, leaving it’s football team to suffer. Kansas football exists to make Kansas State appear even more grand that it did under the reign of Ron Prince.
This fact alone is why Mark Mangino was fired. Mangino’s alleged rude personality was fabricated to make the firing appear just. In reality, his teams were too good. Lew Perkins and the Kansas administration wanted Mangino’s wide girth on the sidelines to demonstrate the glory of pants. If all humans were like Mangino, going pantsless would be out of the question. Putting a man of Mangino’s size on the sideline encourages those in the stands and viewers at home to eat more, and thus slowly eat their way into a bodily state that renders pants a necessity. However, all are secondary to Snyder, and thus Mangino’s coaching ability was a threat. No movement is truly unified under two leaders, and thus Mangino had to leave.
Turner Gill succeeded where Mangino failed. Kansas was horrible and, therefore, Kansas State amazing. Turner Gill set back Kansas football by decades, and succeeded in getting Snyder voted coach of the year. The only negative to Gill’s coaching tenure was his appearance. Gill was in no way large, and could, conceivably, live without pants. This, despite his on field success, was far too grave a sin.
Kansas instead turned to the one person who could preserve Gill’s horrible on field football product and induce viewers to gorge themselves on food: Charlie Weis. Weis’s incompetence in the college ranks is thus far legendary. From Super Bowl victories to Notre Dame infamy. Producing a deadly Chief’s running attack, to making dead Florida running backs.
The Immortal Snyder, rotund Weis, and sleeper cell Prince, in all their glory, serve as the three greatest threats to America’s freedom. 2012 begins the final battle of good and evil. I urge you to do the right thing.