A TRANSCRIPT OF THE JOE PATERNO FIRING

 

 

This is not really far off from how the press conference announcing the immediate firing of Joe Paterno and resignation of Graham Spanier sounded live.

John Surma: We're firing Joe Paterno.

Reporters: WHYYYYYYYYYY NOOOOO HOOOWWWW I MEAN UM LET US GET OUR STRAIGHT RAZORS ER NOTEBOOKS.

Reporter One: Did you offer your resignation to Coach Paterno when you spoke with him?

John Surma: No.

Reporter Two: Did you call him Coach Paterno? I have a box cutter in my hand. It's feeling peckish. 

John Surma: I can't comment on that.

Reporter Three: Are you aware that countless kid's lives will be basically exactly they same because they'll never play for Joe Paterno now?

John Surma: I don't think that's within the purview of this meeting.

Reporter Four: What information did you have that the public didn't?

John Surma: None. We used the same information you used.

Reporter Four: THEN HOW CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING HAPPENED?

John Surma: Did you read the grand jury report?

Reporter Four: I READ JOE PATERNO'S BOOK NO ORDINARY JOE! THAT'S THE ONLY BOOK I NEED.

John Surma: That's not even a question.

Reporter Four: YOU'RE NOT A QUESTION.

Reporter Five: "WE ARE!"

Reporters: "PENN STATE!"

Surma: That is not a question.

Reporter Six: When you addressed him, did you look him in the eye? THERE IS A LIST FOR THOSE WHO CAN LOOK HIM IN THE EYE YOU BETTER BE ON IT.

Reporter Seven: WHY DID YOU FIRE HIM? WHAT AUTHORITY DO YOU HAVE?

[EVERYONE IN ROOM CHANTS SEVEN NATION ARMY FOR TWO MINUTES]

Reporter Eight, Who May Just Be A Student: Who is the all-time leader in rushing for Penn State, huh? HUH?

John Surma: Next question.

Reporter Nine: What about when you and Spanier tried to poison Joe Paterno by putting ricin in his hat, thus making his beard fall out and embarrassing him in front of the Cuban people?

John Surma: That was Fidel Castro and the CIA. 

Reporter Nine: Says you and the CIA, puppet!

Reporter Ten: Aren't you making him the fall guy for this?*

John Surma: The other guys got felony charges.

Reporter Ten: How can you call this a thorough investigation?*

John Surma: [throws grand jury report at reporter]

Reporter Eleven: Coach Kill, what authority do you have to fire Coach Paterno?

John Surma: We're done here.

Reporters: BEAVER CANYON!

Reporters run out of room

 

*Actual question

**Another actual question

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