This is Dr. Smartula.
Hello Dr. Smartula. We are Two Scientists.
I asked you to make me something amazing because SCIENCE.
We did sir.
Well, don't mollyguffle around. What is it?
Two Scientists: IT'S AN ANDREW LUCK.
[BEAT KICKS IN. AWKWARD MONOTONE RAPPING BEGINS]
There are so many features to this Andrew Luck.
Nimble like a puma, but he's sturdy like a truck
Six feet in height with some room left over
Skin chalky white, like the famed cliffs of Dover
Optimally designed for football play
He's football science in a Stanford way
Could run for president if the age restriction wasn't in place
Beard like Lincoln, jaw like Roosevelt — just look at that face
Could win wars by throwing pigskins from airplane wings
Hoover Institute-compatible, so taxes aren't his thing
Battery life set to four hundred years
But may opt out due to loneliness fears
Watched Highlander and learned a lesson
For eternity a life would be nothing but stressin'
Still if the Andrew Luck runs out of power
Please destroy it in a high-temperature furnace
One with a closed ventilation system and filtration protocols in place
Because the Andrew Luck is made of at least 17 extremely toxic heavy metals that melt flesh on contact
Or you could send it to China.
On second thought he's right. Just send it to China in event of this happening.
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK. SAMPLE FROM JURASSIC PARK: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates---""]
Two Scientists: ANDREW LUCK
We sent a monkey into space just to test his emotions
Made him friends with an ape then we put him in motion
We told him the rocket would go and then land i the ocean/
but set trajectories for the sun on a devious notion
Halfway through the launch something went awry
Onboard controls came alive and we wondered why
Splashdown in Tahiti, thinkin' ape's amok
opened the hatch AND THE APE WAS LUCK
Two Scientists: ANDREW LUCK
Hands are webbed because we all make mistakes
And accidentally mixed his DNA with a drake's
We could have made a punter instead
We could have made a punter with Andrew's head
Could have made the best punter every born
But no one likes punting because punting is boring
And no one likes punting
Seriously no one lkes punting.
Two Scientists: ANDREW LUCK!
You're so great at science, you made all the Andrew
And you're so great at science, you made all the Luck
Scientist two made him articulate but not overly wordy.
And Scientist One got him well-read and savvy but never nerdy
Prompt with assignments and respectful of women
Supports other programs like hoops and swimming
Friendly with others but independent of mind
Makes his own compost from trash and orange rinds
Has a healthy relationship with mother and father
In lines and public buses he's far from a bother
Polite to animals he doesn't even know
Shared all the cheat codes he knew from Saints' Row
The Andrew Luck has hydraulic nipples
It's the one part we had a real hard time making
Science isn't perfect and neither are our rhymes
Great work, Two Scientists! NOW STOP MAKING FOOTBALL THINGS AND GET BACK TO WORK ON MY NEUTRON MISTRESS! WE CAN'T BEAT THE RUSSIANS WITHOUT HER.
Two Scientists: Roger and out, Dr. Smartula!
Dr. Smartula: Smoke Chesterfields, boys.
Two Scientists: Smoke Chesterfields, sir!