HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S THANKSGIVING TOP 25

As he does on special occasions, legendary football coach and current FAU head man Howard Schnellenberger shares with us the 25 things he's most thankful for on this Thanksgiving weekend.

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1. SMU. Once The Highland Park Ripper is caught, their recruiting will bounce right pack. Just you watch.

2. Liturgical dancewear. Those circle skirts contain multitudes.

3. The Indians. As fellow people who found hardship in Oklahoma: my deepest sympathies.

4. Lobster cases at finer restaurants. A man needs conversation.

5. Penicillin. It is a day of thanks.

6. Giant balloons. Our country's first line of defense against the NoKos, and our last against sadness.

7. Turfman's Original Turkey Fryer/ Infant Jacuzzi. Be careful you have your heat settings right on this one.

8. Sacajawea. I never minded thick arms.

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9. Turkey giblets. I always tuck one behind my ear for surprising the grandkids. Coins are for lesser magicians.

10. Ice Cube. Any man that talks to beer like it's people is a friend of mine.

11. Puritan women. First for the breech-buckles when the parson's head turns.

12. The Lottery. Nobody does erotica like Shirley Jackson. (Ask her how I inspired the title of The Haunting of Hill House, if you ever get the chance.)

13. Leadville, Colorado.  Finest place in the world to get my favorite condiment, molybdenum.

 

14. Chile. Not many people would think of making a whole country the width of a couch, but by damn they did it.

15. Label guns. Never can remember which testicle is the ticklish one.

16. The Cornucupia. Good Thanksgiving icon, better harvest-time codpiece, and best hot-tub jazz solo instrument.

17. Gene Stallings' petrified pinky finger.  Never say Gene doesn't pay up his bets. Always liked the Fiesta Bowl. A dry heat. Good for my combination skin.

18. Fruit Roll-Ups. Bring one and you've got a snack. Bring a box to the zoo to share, and you'll be asked to leave while the apes throw their business at you.

19. Gin Rummy. The cocktail, not the card game. The Drinking man's "pantry meal."

20. Pelicans. They're the pool skimmer that squawks back.

21. Space hookers. Don't make 'em like they used to.

22. Hunting for range balls on the golf course behind my home. They say a shotgun damages the balls. I say it gives 'em character. Agree to disagree.

23. Mussolini.  It's my password for everything, because you never forget a hearty chest like that.

24. Fringed vests. I was saved from stepping into traffic in Dubai just last week by a young Arab getting a fistful of my leathery plumage.

25. A Christmas Story on TBS. Jane Austen only wrote one decent book, but it made a howler of a movie.

 

UNRANKED: Suspenders. Let me down again last week at the Port St. Lucie Kiwanis Club Luncheonette. You're welcome, ladies.

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You're welcome, and Happy Thanksgiving.

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