JOHN THE TRAIN AND HIS FRIENDS

This song plays.

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The island of Gaitor is a green island with swamps, some parts that aren't swamps, and a big hole in the ground called a Millhopper for some reason. There is not much else in Gaitor except for a once-functioning railway that now runs intermittently thanks to changes in management, disasters, and life just being kind of hard at the moment. The engines work very hard! And spend a lot of time derailing and almost falling off mountains!

One day Sir Flopham Fatt had a very special task, and needed a special engine for the job.

 

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William! I require immediate transport of my collection of porcelain erotic lobster figurines.

 

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I GOTTA FEW BUSTED SPRINGS AND I'M JUST FACE DOWN IN THIS HEAPA COAL. HEY WHY AREN'T YOU A TRAIN?

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My delicate sensibilities forbid the wrinkling of my hands! Born for management of industry, not industry for management, my dear Boom.

 

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I NEED TO BE MENDED. ACTUALLY GALLDARNIT THERE'S LIKE FIFTY BOXCARS BEHIND ME AND THEY'RE ALL ON FIRE AND SCREAMING. DIDN'T KNOW BOXCARS COULD SCREAM. IT'S RIGHT DISTURBIN', CHARLIE.

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COMPOSURE, young William. In the depths of my time at Notre Dame composure saw us through many a difficult time.

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YOU GOT FIRED CHARLIE. THEY HIRED A BIG EAST COACH. NOT GREG ROBINSON. HE BEAT YOU.

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I returned to my proper class, William, just as all noblemen should. Now! Who would like to take my collection of erotic porcelain lobster figurines across The Mountain Road and to their air-conditioned warehouse in the port of Jacksontrill?

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Yard boss: With all due respect, guv'nah, this seems like a bit of waste of our resources, and you're not actually in charge---

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SILENCE!  BEHOLD MY FOUR SUPER BOWL RINGS!

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Guv'nah: Sir, that is not a Super Bowl ring.


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That's not what they tell me at the next level. We'll just agree to disagree, and you'll get me a train that will do the job. 

[Train whistle sounds]

John The Train: Right here, sir. Where am I taking these?

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It's very simple.

John: Oh good, sir. I've never gone over The Mountain Road. I've heard it's dangerous!

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Well you see it's just an easy dogleg tango jet right offset slot devil in a red dress slam 42 retro unless you see cover 3 and if you do ho ho just turn right at the switches and audible to the obvious (and this is obvious, right?)  Jaguar five hondo slant dukes renegade fifty with a banana anarchist motion from the sluggo in motion UNLESS you have triceratops showing and then the call to the Otis Blue trips Durango mobile smellophone should be clear. If they're blitzing when you get up there, just do all that in reverse and DON'T DERAIL THOSE EROTIC PORCELAIN LOBSTER FIGURINES ARE PRICELESS, DO YOU HEAR ME?

 

Oh dear I've derailed. I hope someone will come along and fix this bother I've put myself into here.

Seven hours later.

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GOTTA BE COLD UP THERE. WHEN DO WE GET HIM?

 

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When he's learned, William. Only through suffering do we truly learn!

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WHAT ABOUT YOUR DIRTY HORSESHOE CRAB DOLLS OR WHATEVER?

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Ah, those crates? A ruse. Filled with nothing. I would never endanger my collection of fine crustacean erotica in the hands of someone as unskilled as John the Train Engine.

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BUT THAT'S OUR QUARTERBACK.

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A college football team is but a year, William. A lobster savoring the immaculately carved and curvaceous delights of a realistically depicted Turkish Seraglio at full attention? This lasts forever, my young friend. Only the finely honed minds of the NFL truly understand this enduring lesson, along with the secrets of making a hot pressed sandwich using only a copier, a Subway BMT, and a few carefully placed paper towels.

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GONNA BE STUCK IN THIS LUMP A COAL FOR A WHILE AIN'T I?

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Stunned onlookers: [....] 

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