GOOD GOD MAN. This is the box score from the fourth quarter of the Toledo/Northern Illinois game. It is also what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, and what was in that shipping container in Genoa:
Sometimes you don't have to play four quarters of defense. In fact, sometimes you don't even have to play any defense until the last fifty three seconds of a game. Just ask Northern Illinois, who got the win after their defensive coordinator made the impassioned and oft-repeated "All I need from you is fifty-three seconds of defense. That's not even a minute. It's like four plays. Jeebus tapdancing Feist, just COMMIT PASS INTERFERENCE." (Grant, a baseball writer, had to write about the game last night as an emergency coverage move. Looks perfect to us.)
ALL HAIL THE ALPHABETICAL. This week's edition is the Achilles' Last Stand edition, where we sort of look at who deserves praise going down the stretch, and those whose seasons should be double-tapped for mercy's sake and thrown into an shallow grave. Speaking of such seasons...
LET'S JUST TRY AND BEAT VANDERBILT GUYS. Everyone forgetting how to play football at once is stressful for a football coach, but the real depths of despair may be found in this quote:
"We have to clean up some things we need to work on and do the best we can to beat Vanderbilt."
You may also notice no Florida on these bowl projections, and there's good reason. At this rate, we're not making it to the free knockoff brand mp3 player and sweatshirt party anywhere, so at this point a trip to the Music City Bowl would be a small miracle. The lining of our stomach just hemorrhaged typing that. We hate you football. We hate you so much.
MEANWHILE IN PLACES WHERE THEY CAN PLAY FOOTBALL. We like any football team where people routinely make proclamations in wrestling announcer voices. The governor of Alabama has way more to win than the governor of Louisiana, by the way.
CONSPIRACIES, PAWWWWLLLLL. Georgia will have to try and defeat New Mexico State without tailbacks, as all of them are suspended in the week after the Florida game. HMMMM. [/arches eyebrow] [/wiggles eyebrows] [/puts pinky to mouth] We really don't care how this happened, since Georgia's tailbacks weren't the ones coughing the ball up on the 30 or forfeiting points on 358 offensive possessions in a row. Some walk-on is going to have his one game of a lifetime, or they'll just slap anyone named "Brandon" back there for the hell of it.