AUSTIN, TX - SEPTEMBER 3: Flying was already dangerous enough, but Texas running back Fozzy Whittaker just had to try and take a teammate along, didn't he? (Photo by Erich Schlegel/Getty Images)
EVERYONE PLAYING COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS INJURED. Fozzy Whittaker, Sammy Watkins, Danny O'Brien, Keith Price, Zach Collaros, and every other player in college football is now grievously injured after a devastating weekend. All of their injuries vary in degrees of bad, but none sounds worse than Mizzou running back Henry Josey's trifecta tear: the ACL, MCL, and patellar tendon all at once, aka "The Full Emtman" for those fans of vintage horrendous injuries. At this point the only healthy player in college football? Morgan Newton, and yeah, like that's gonna do any of us any good whatsoever. (Whittaker's career at Texas is over, a particularly bitter turn for him as he was just rounding into what many suspected he could be as a college player in his final year.)
AS WE HAVE SAID ALL ALONG AMERICA CLEARLY DEMANDS MORE FIELD GOALS. The Stanford and Boise losses put us a step closer to the magical rematching of LSU and Alabama in a title game that clearly everyone wants and craves without reservation. Never has a country been so unified as in their desire--nay, their NEED to see LSU and Alabama trade long field goals for another sixty minutes.
SOME OF THEM HAVE EVEN BEEN SHOT. Senior Illini safety Trulon Henry got shot in the hand at a party after the Illini's loss to Michigan, proving again that you should never be anywhere at 4:30 am without [NAME REDACTED] tagging along like frat-fight superman to protect you. Henry was shot in the ring finger, but is expected to make a full recovery. His playing career at Illinois is over.
IT HAS GOTTEN THIS BAD. We, too, thought this was a joke, but again reality has claimed victory over our wildest dreams.
IT HAS GOTTEN THIS BAD ELSEWHERE. Let's just focus on beating Furman, boys. [WEEPS.] [AGAIN]
TAKEO'S COURT. The most horrifying of judicial venues, though if the defense is played in the mode of Auburn's current team, the prosecution need not even prepare.
AFTER THE JUMP. LSUFreek on Oregon/Stanford, or how Andrew Luck's good driver discount evaporated in one tragic moment.