BRET BIELEMA'S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS

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Yesterday, when asked about recent scandals at Ohio State, Penn State, and other notable football institutions, Wisconsin's Bret Bielema reportedly remarked that it was a good time to be a Badger fan.  This is because Bret Bielema knows what so many men in our overly-PC world deny - tact is for also-rans.

In that spirit, Luke and I have compiled a list of Bret Bielema worldviews, none of which he's specifically stated but all of which he probably lives his life a quarter of a mile at a time by UP TOP BILLY BROCEAN

  • Bret Bielema doesn't care if it's his niece; he's not going to any christening that doesn't have an open bar.
  • Bret Bielema sees your country's civil war; it's cute and all that your people want their freedom, but he's had his for years.
  • Bret Bielema got you this dick-punch for Christmas; it's regifted from Mark Mangino.
  • Bret Bielema saw the sign 30 years ago but rolled back over, closed his eyes, and went back to sleep. This was unfortunate because he was driving at the time.
  • Bret Bielema could've graduated first in his class at Iowa but no one that's ever read a book has ever gotten laid.
  • Bret Bielema thinks if your wife isn't down to swing, she shouldn't send mixed messages by leaving her birth control in the master bath cabinet where just anyone can find it.
  • Bret Bielema is aware that cancer kills one American every minute but thinks if sick people would just try a little harder they might be out of the woods yet.
  • You call it a flea market.  Bret Bielema calls it a "sweatermeat parade."
  • While vacationing in Cabo, Bret Bielema spent an entire weekend unlearning every word of Spanish he'd ever accidentally absorbed. This is the United States of America, damn it. Get with it and learn our language, people.
  • Bret Bielema understands the general gist of Occupy Wallstreet but can't remember that many numbers after the 3 and the decimal point.
  • Bret Bielema tries on bathing suits without underwear on, and he's not even remotely interested in making a purchase.
  • Bret Bielema re-rents a new copy of 'Crash' every week single handedly keeping it a top Netflix charts nationwide.
  • Bret Bielema wants you to stop being such a vag and put some real money down on the Special Olympics, man.
  • Bret Bielema doesn't understand why any web browsers exist beyond Internet Explorer. It just works.
  • Bret Bielema wants you to know this AARP discount on Tuesdays is age discrimination and he will fucking sue your ass.
  • Bret Bielema understands they sacrifice a lot, but he's still not entirely sure why veterinarians have their own holiday.
  • Bret Bielema doesn't number one or number two sitting down and if you were a real man, you wouldn't either.
  • Bret Bielema swears your toilet was like that.
  • Bret Bielema steals the neighbor's delivery of Maxim.  He brings it to church.
  • Bret Bielema agrees with the movement to remove Nickelback from the Lions-Packers Thanksgiving Day half time show. They should be playing the Super Bowl instead.
  • When Bret Bielema is bored, he siphons the gas out of his own car.
  • For the right special lady, Bret Bielema hung the moon. As in he's hung like the f***ing moon.
  • Bret Bielema walked past a burning house with a screaming infant on the top floor and thought to himself "I wonder if babies like fire."
  • Bret Bielema insists that Meals on Wheels driver was asking for it.
  • Bret Bielema asks if it's cool to eat in your car.  When you say no, he starts chain-smoking Camels.
  • Bret Bielema only donates blood when he's really, REALLY sick.
  • Bret Bielema thinks James Spader and Ed Helms are taking The Office to never before seen heights.
  • Bret Bielema paid good money for this ticket to "Puss In Boots" and he'll talk as much as he damn well pleases, jerk-off.
  • Waiter? Will you please bring Bret Bielema another bottle of Andre? And no, he doesn't care that you're not a waiter and that this is a self-serve car wash.
  • Bret Bielema heard your cries for help as the mugger took your purse but that shit was hilarious, lady.
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