I CALL HIM GAMBLOR: WEEK 6

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Gamblor, gamblor, gamblor. If you say its name three times in the dark looking at a mirror you realize you're broke as hell and you've just wasted ~5 seconds of your life loosely quoting The Simpsons. Congratulations on that. Now let's talk about how to make you even poorer.

A week ago, a series of random gamble-stances and half witted shots in the dark amounted in a 4-4 split on actual hypothetically real bets you could make at an actual sports book or in a complicated series of bank transfers online that will ultimately result in you never seeing a dime of your earnings. Count the B.S. B.S. stuff made up strictly for LULz casino chips? 8-4, bringing the season total for such a thing to 43-17. The actual grounded sort of tangibly real betting total? 23-17; far better than Vegas equilibrium. Hi hater, bye hater. (*Hater may or may not be repo people.)

Friday - Boise State at Fresno State (+19.5) - 8:00 PM

Pat Hill plays host to the smurf juggernauts from the north in what will surely be the beginning of a long winter for the mustache clad valley people of Fresno. God speed, Spawn of Mittens. Kellen Moore's kill kit should be arriving via FedEx (they let you ship seriously like anything) shortly and until he's bored and decides to jab the surgical knives all the way in, it's going to be like Operation on a living cadaver.

Bet: Boise -19.5. It doesn't even matter what I think of Fresno or how much I like or dislike Boise. Boise's mere existence makes many of your blood boil (due to contrarian anti-contrarian or bizarro pro BCS-Antidisestablishmentarianism alike; good luck with that). And to that? I say excellent. *TROLLFACE*

Bet within a bet: Kellen Moore O/U 400 yards passing. Under. Footballs, man. You try throwing one as far and as hard as you can for like 3 straight hours. That's some tiring stuff.

Bet within a bet within a bet: The existence of this is proof that Boise is hell bound for the Big XII Y/N

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No. Though, maybe? No. But... Maybe, maybe? No.

Oklahoma vs Texas (+10.5) - 12:00 PM

Texas and Oklahoma engage in what will forever be known as the "Red River Shootout." In another life, I would've fought tooth and nail to recognize what factually is against what isn't, but "Red River Rivalry" is roughly the elocution equivalent of cayenne flavored vaseline. Besides, as an Austin, Texas native for life, I get carte blanche to do whatever zany, backwards, myopic Texas self righteous bullshit I want! (Thanks, Gov. BB!)

Bet: Oklahoma (-10.5) See what I did there? As much as about 49% of my brain would love for what I've seen from the Longhorns to be real, it came against some absurdly paltry competition. When Texas ups the difficulty to Heisman, that stupid linebacker with an 80" vertical will not be so forgiving.

Bet within a bet: Landry Jones - O/U 300 yards passing. Over. Be still my beating heart for Manny Diaz, but even bringing 10 gives Jones a roughly 4/5 chance of finding an uncovered receiver (Ohio State math).

Bet within a bet within a bet: This baby is not Matt McConaughey's Y/N:

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No. Every baby is Matt McConaughey's.

Texas A&M at Texas Tech (+6.5) - 7:00 PM

Texas A&M meets Texas Tech in the final culmination of a rivalry which included Texas Tech students assaulting A&M ones fans with goal posts and Aggies nicknaming Tech "Tortilla Tech." Oh, Texas A&M. You're going to fit into the SEC so, so perfectly.

Bet: Texas A&M -6.5. One can only shit the bed so many times before human diaper Mike Sherman wraps himself around your hind parts.

Bet within a bet: Ryan Tannehill O/U 3 total TDs. Over. While he may not have a super sweet country queef anthem to his name, that doesn't mean he won't some day.

Bet within a bet within a bet: This man should be the head coach at one or both of these institutions.

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#FireCraigJames so hardcore.

Florida at LSU (-12) - 3:30 PM

LSU was bred for terror. Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps should be able to exceed a bit more than the one yard per carry they were struggling to (more OSU math) against Bama, but they will quickly be tracked down by all the cheetahs the Tigers have roaming the grounds. And in case you didn't know, Les Miles feeds his pets some weird, weird shit.

Bet: LSU -12. Florida should make it interesting and may even inspire false hope, but LSU seems on a charmed course for an undefeated Gypsy bare knuckle boxing match against the Tide.

Bet within a bet: Florida running backs O/U 100 yards rushing. Under. LSU is on some black magic voodoo'ish in 2k11.

Bet within a bet within a bet:

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Les-miles-now-owns-your-soul_medium 

Les-miles-now-owns-your-soul_medium 

Yes.

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