Grabs you by the shirt collar on your way into ABC Liquor on Archer Road. You are wearing no University of Florida-themed apparel or gear.
Gators. GATORS! I got a word to share with y'all. I think you might wanna listen.
I know things been tough. Real tough. You know what they say about hard times, though: There are no hard times, only hard people. I think they're talking about mannequins or people with skin disorders that make 'em look like they have scales. If that's true, I think what that means is that recessions are caused by the deformed and storefront mannequins.
Considering I was rudely ejected from the Oaks Mall just this past Tuesday for tackling a female mannequin through a plate glass window, it's pretty clear that Lee Randy White James the Third is committed to beating this thing we're in, Gators. The recession. My ongoing battle with inhalants and bath salts. Charlie Weis. WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH ALL OF THIS, Y'ALL.
Take my man John Brantley. He's a Gator. His daddy was a Gator. I'm pretty sure his daddy's daddy's daddy's daddy was a Gator. His blood might as well be Gator blood.
This means he's 100%. This also means he's cold-blooded and lays eggs. (Check on that last one, buddy.) Finally, it means you can cut him open, drain his blood, and then mix it with some kerosene and rubbing alcohol to make something my buddy Jake calls "Alachua Mucilage." Did this for three days with him once. I miss Jake, but you don't take a cop's gun in Lake County, shoot it at an elementary school, and say you were just "protesting the new county drainage plan and the Zionists who run the school board." Stay strong behind that wall, Jake.
He says that since he's been locked up, he's learned how to make game pieces out of toilet paper and toothpaste. He ain't a chess man, though. Made himself a Stratego set. All the pieces are 7s, 'cept one headless fella he calls "the man with the glasses."
Brantley's got too much precious Gator blood to let us down in Jacksonville against the Dawgs this weekend. Who likes dogs, anyway? I don't like 'em when they're from Georgia, or Mississippi, or especially when they're from Florida and are chasing my ass over the fence surrounding a strange and intoxicating new storage shed. Oh, you could say that you were from the zoning commission, but dogs don't speak English, and that's even worse. This is America! Speak English, dogs, or you're just Mexicans with superior biting skills and better PR people. Fuckin' Sara McLachlan.
(Mexicans can bite. Don't think they can't, amigo. I didn't make Bumfights Vol. 8 for nothing.)
Where was I?
Jacksonville! I've been there for the game. One year I saw a Georgia fan. He said "Gators wear jean shorts." I didn't think this was all that offensive. Jean shorts are useful. They're durable, but let people know you aren't afraid of a good time. They're casual, but look decent enough to wear into a nicer place like TJ Maxx or the blood bank if the occasion calls for it. I didn't take any offense to the man. I did still hit in him in the balls with a street sign I pulled up on the spur of the moment, but that was more a matter of the moment and the spirit, and not having a thing to do with the finer fashion debate we were having.
If you do happen to go, there are a few things you need to know about Jacksonville.
- Sand fleas are the rent you pay for sleeping on public beaches.
- Beach vans are quieter and go much faster than you think. Sleep high up and under something like a boat, staircase, or another outdoorsman if necessary.
- The sandwiches in the jail aren't half bad in regular population, so don't just get thrown in the drunk tank. Put some mustard on your charge and you'll eat well for three days instead of three hours, and you'll miss the gameday traffic by a wide margin.
- The coffee plant runoff does NOT taste like coffee. It WILL turn skin that comes into contact white and blistered. It IS caffeinated.
- Dress snappy! You're going INSIDE the convenience store, if only for Sterno.
- Word up! The Sonic won't let you order on a Donkey. #knowledgeispower
- The zoo DOES have animals. They will NOT share their food.
- Publix won't let you shit on the scale "just to weigh it."
- Ask before "making it hail" at strip clubs. This ain't Cafe Risque, so don't just assume the girls make or take change.
- If this van's a rockin', don't come a-knockin'! And if this port-o-let is a-smokin', I'm not jokin', someone's making meth in it, and it might explode and kill someone.
- Most Duval County ERs have a three-gunshot minimum.
- Most Duval County ERs also have a Blimpie in them, however.
- For a place nicknamed "Jackin'ville," they're awfully intolerant of public masturbation.
- You might think about stealing a plane, but don't! You probably don't know how to fly it.
- The primary unit of currency is oxycodone.
- The secret handshake of Jacksonville's hobo subculture is the penis waggle. This is called THE FRED DURST.
- Under Jacksonville law, it's NOT murder if you commit it with something in the beach toy aisle at Walgreen's.
- It's customary for men to remove their hats each time Disturbed's "Down With the Sickness" is played in public.
- Jack Del Rio's real name is "Jack Del Taco." He's been cut out of the family business and is very bitter about it.
- Don't accept offers of "Make it, Take It." You will end up with a child.
- Those are not shopping carts. Those are Jacksonville's public transit system.
- If the aroma has gone from "beer farts" to "bitter almond," there has been a cyanide leak. Get upwind or just start taking as much shit off people as you possibly can.
That last one is something I know personally and can attest to after harsh personal experience at the 2007 Cocktail Party. WHO'S DANCING NOW, GEORGIA BOY? Not you, because I just beat you to death with a Kadima paddle.
Lee Randy White James The Third