25 REASONS JOHN BRANTLEY IS COMING TO KICK YOUR ASS

On the eve-eve of the biggest Cocktail Party ever in 2011, let's revisit the numerous strengths of John Brantley, the man who will lead Florida to a decisive and thunderous victory unlike any other in the most important rivalry game ever in the series. Or, failing any of that, will at least play in a game that happens on Saturday in Jacksonville.

  1. His sideline routes are immaculate, and always hit the first row squarely in the hands.
  2. Unlike other SEC quarterbacks, Brantley's bowl cut allows for full field vision.
  3. Having run the speed option against Alabama, is no longer afraid to die.
  4. Can bounce passes off the hands of Deonte Thompson at a variety of ranges.
  5. In a pinch, can complete passes to himself.
  6. Only SEC quarterback with an adverb for a last name. A fake adverb, but still.
  7. Happy to hand the ball off if necessary.
  8. Unlike SOME quarterbacks, has never cried in victory or defeat.
  9. In total yardage is already one of the most productive Florida quarterbacks of the 1970s.
  10. Has been described by Charlie Weis as                         .
  11. Runs the 40 in 3.4 Jeff Demps Units.
  12. Doesn't regret decision to attend Florida over Texas due to losing two years of productivity to offensive dysfunction no matter what decision he made. 
  13. Danny Wuerffel firmly believes he will inherit the earth.
  14. Pretty sure he can't be killed, as it would have happened by now.
  15. Has spent as much time on his back during his Florida tenure as Super Bowl quarterback Rex Grossman, albeit for entirely different reasons.
  16. His ankle is twice as big as the average human's.
  17. Has click-trained an armadillo to fetch him his mail each morning. That's not a reason he'll beat Georgia, but it's an achievement nonetheless.
  18. Is already his own alias in the Federal Witness Protection Program.
  19. Unlike the Georgia mascot, will survive five years on campus.
  20. His fingers are perfectly sized to fit between the laces on a regulation NCAA football.
  21. Unlike Aaron Murray has no stresses about getting ready for a future in the National Football League.
  22. Undiagnosed deafness means crowd noise will not be an issue.
  23. Because Georgia is only undefeated against minorities in capital punishment cases HEYOOOO---
  24. Is the quarterback for Florida in a game against a Georgia Bulldog team coached by Mark Richt.
  25. Because where you see one set of footprints in the turf leading into the endzone? That's where Tebow carried him. 

QED, motherfuckers. IT'S ALREADY OVER AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT, BULLDOGS.

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