It has come to my attention that a lot of people think they can run the country. This is dumb because no one running for President/Mayor of America has talked about SimCity or how to play it. I'm pretty darn sure you don't want someone running this country who isn't really good at SimCity, because SimCity is just like real life but with smells and who needs those anyway.
My campaign promises are as follows.
- Parks everywhere. They are the only good thing about cities.
- As President/Mayor, I promise my first move will be to do what my opponent refuses to do: turn disasters OFF.
- I oppose urban revitalization. Just wait until fire breaks out, and then build a park over the burned place where the firefighters you don't have didn't show up.
- Coal power plants are fine. Tell that coughing baby to sack up, lady.
- By placing bodies of water all over the place for no reason, my "Extravagant Public Spending On Unnecessary Bridges" plan will allow or a lot of cool looking bridges.
- So-called "humor columnist" Miss Sim and haters like her are truly what is standing between us and national greatness.
- Our splines WILL be reticulated.
- I promise that our citizens will be either debt-ridden and happy, or sort of wealthy but misery and covered in their own filth based on two or possibly three decisions I make.
- Some people want you to believe the dark Arcology is filled with subhuman creatures that live in the ductwork and drainage system. I SAY THIS IS A LIE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
- I promise to lower taxes until we have no money. Then I will sell city bonds and default on them. Then I will revert to an earlier saved game. Thus will I solve the problem of debt.
- We will show those bastards in Anytown that the Gigamall will not only work, but thrive within our borders, along with the casinos and our lucrative casinos! And the casinos! Basically, like a million casinos.
- Agriculture squares are communist. We shall not tolerate them.
- We have always been at war with SimAntlandia
- I promise to do what I always do: build a gigantic mountain that takes up like a quarter of the board, and then put my mansion on it surrounded by waterfall squares at an immense and unrecoverable cost to the taxpayer.
I believe in these principles because I believe in America, but mostly because I have played a lot of fucking Sim City.