PROFANITY IS A WAY OF SAYING YOU CARE

As we've said before, it's people who hate profanity who necessitate its use in the first place by simply being their annoying, simpering, and disapproving selves. Even Mark Richt will drop a "dumbass" when he has to, and let us say that upon further review, he sounds downright comfortable with it in a manner belying his churchy exterior. 

But of course Mark Richt can curse. He is a football coach, and thus genetically incapable of not cursing when the moment demands it. Which moments demand profanity? All of them, and sit down, Tony Dungy. You had Coach Manning on your staff, and thus saved you from sullying your clammy sanctimonious hands with the earthy language of men getting work done. 

Why curse? Because profanity is a form of intimacy, and lets you the recipient know that the other person cares. We're being totally serious here, because the way we really and truly say fuck you to someone is by being as polite as we can possibly be. Do you want to completely freeze someone out of your life? Asphyxiate them with businesslike demeanor and stilted, uncritical language. Cursing would at least indicate deep concern with something, and that's why we have the public/private divide anyway. Among co-workers and professionals, it is as much a sign of intimacy as it is anger.

We only get collectively upset about profanity when someone slips across the line and forgets their manners. You are not offended by it as a matter of taste, but as a point of order. Otherwise, you let someone like fuckin' Todd Monken, who was caught shitting up the audio track of his goddamn ESPN profile, be his fuckin' self on camera, and then get all pisswitted about it in public because OMG THEY FUCKIN' CUSS!!! NOT COACHES OMfuckingGOD.

So curse on, Todd Monken. We know what you're doing. Just look at what profanity does to an average playcall instruction: 

Example without profanity: "Hey, Brandon, I really want you to put the ball in there with some speed, because the safety is going to come down on this route fast, and we really want to give the receiver a chance to put the ball away and make something happen downfield."

Effect: "Boy, I better put the ball in there." [throws slightly faster]

Example with profanity: "Brandon, you've got to put the ball in there harder than a donkey fucking a treestump, because the fuckin' safety is gonna be shitsure to haul ass and bring his pussy ass right into this play when he sees it. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME BRANDON? SHIT. SURE. Fire that fucking thing in there and do it fucking right.

Effect: Right. [Throws ball through receiver's ribcage]

In summary: rage on, but only if you care. The minute your position coach starts politely addressing you and gently praising your middling efforts, you're done. You're not worth shit, and we mean that literally: you're not worth the wasting of even a low-wattage profanity like shit, and probably bound for the bench for the duration.

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