Here's my proposal for my overhaul of Celebrity Rehab. Now, if for some odd reason you are not aware of Celebrity Rehab, here's a quick summary: Shove a handful of washed up B or sometimes C-level celebrities in a rehab facility, lock the door, throw away the keys, and let slip the dogs of complete drug-addled anarchy. Also, Celebrity Rehab is hosted by this asshole who is good at sounding condescending as fuck and is really more of an enabler than anything:
Now first, we must change the host, as Dr. Drew probably would not do very well with the sort of high caliber athletes that will be on Celebrity Rehab: QB Edition. Dr. Lou was going to host, but he died of stab wounds suffered during the taping of the pilot for Celebrity Rehab: LB Edition from Lawrence Taylor, who, in a crack addled rage, stabbed Dr. Lou with a crack pipe. Thus, we will have to find the 'next best thing' and no one is the embodiment of 'next best thing' than unlicensed therapist RonP.
Finding candidates for Celebrity Rehab: QB Edition is also pretty easy. Throw an errant pass into the bushes at your local stadium and/or bar and/or overpass and you will probably find a quarterback suffering from some sort of malady. Here's a short list:
- Stephen Garcia - Addicted to: Alcohol, Women, His Hairdryer, Entourage, Tight Underwear.
- Brett Favre - Addicted to: Vicodin, Denim, Stubble, Wasting People's Time, Fun, Competin'.
- Jared Lorenzen - Addicted to: Fudge Brownies, Bath Salts, Meth, Low Sodium Ham.
- Jim McMahon - Addicted to: Alcohol, Jim McMahon, Headbands, Arm-wrestling, Wristbands, Dumb-looking Sunglasses.
- JaMarcus Russell - Addicted to: Coedine, Five Dollar Footlongs, Chopped and Screwed Music, Kaftans, Empanadas.
- Kerry Collins - Addicted to: Alcohol, Opie and Anthony, Geritol, WD-40, Racism.
- Erik Ainge - Addicted to: Alcohol, Pain Killers, Grunge Music, Being Mistaken for Stephen Garcia.
- Wyatt Sexton - Addicted to: Jenkem.
- Kenny Stabler - Addicted to: Being Awesome, Waking Up in Strange Places, Alcohol, Women, Drunk Driving, Driving Speedboats Shirtless (Presumably Drunk), Being Mistaken for People's Long Lost Fathers.
- Todd Marinovich - Addicted to: Weed, Coke, Speed, Meth, Skateboarding, Expressionist Painting, Birkenstocks.
- Ryan Leaf - Addicted to: Painkillers, Plastic.
- John Brantley - Addicted to: Failure.
- John Kitna - Addicted to: Jesus.
- Danny Weurffel - see John Kitna.
- Tim Tebow - see John Kitna.
- Rex Grossman - Addicted to: Being Awesome, Four Verts, Patron.
- Ricky Stanzi - Addicted to: America, Anarchy, Tofu.
- Jesse Palmer - Addicted to: Bumble and Bumble Hair Products, Outdated Fashion, Virgin Daiquiris.
- The Glennon Family - Addicted to: Pain, Failure, Wasting Scholarships
I think we have enough candidates for at least four seasons on Spike, including a Christmas Special, which will probably involve either the Glennon family or Kitna and Co. I know someone here works in television, so let's get this shit on air!