NICK FAIRLEY WILL MAKE INJURIES NOT FAKE THEM

Nick Fairley will not be taking any notes from the Cal defense and their theatrics against Oregon's fast-paced offense.

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The quote is a bit incomplete, however. The quote in its entirety:*

Any and all injuries the Auburn defenses experiences on Monday night in Arizona will be inflicted by one person and one person alone: me. If Eltoro Freeman is rolled up on from behind during a play, I assure you that the injury won't come from some total uncaring stranger who doesn't know a damn thing about what they're doing.

The one who hurts him will be me, and it will be complete and swift. You know how many people don't know the limit when trying to strain an ACL and just snapping it like a cheap rubber band? Do you know how many wild pigs Ryan Pugh and I have attacked trying to get the technique down? Doing this in the dead of night without thanks or credit? How many rabies shots we've had to get from mistaken attacks against large raccoons who turn out to be a lot faster than we thought? Isn't that right, Ryan?

[Ryan Pugh nods and dives sideways into the knee of a reporter. An SEC referee stands by and flags the reporter for offsides as he writhes in pain and cries.]

Lazy hunters of the Alabama Piedmont, you're welcome for the easy kills, btw. It's hard to run away from the drunkest hunter when you've got a bad wheel. If Aaron Murray's listening right now, he should be having flashbacks and urinating himself involuntarily. Hi, Aaron.

[GLARES]

[Aaron Murray pees himself a thousand miles away.]

Anyway, if a player is laying on the field and screaming on Saturday, it's gonna be from me no matter what team it is. Let's be clear on that.

To be clear: Nick Fairley doesn't fake injuries. He makes them.**

*Source: Our ass.

**He's positively filthy. That doesn't mean he doesn't induce full football boners from everyone watching, and is not an amazing defensive tackle, which he is.

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