BUT MY BODAAAYYYYYYY...MY BODAYYYYY.... It is professional football, but remember that EDSBS claims jurisdiction over any sporting event involving R Kelly.
If you remember where Rashard Mendenhall played, you will not be surprised by the intensity of his celebration of making the Super Bowl. He learned it from the Intensity Master himself, though don't lie to yourself or others: you've humped things out of sheer happiness. We'd totally hump a Chick-Fil-A if we found it open on Sunday, and so would half of you. (Video via Worstfan.)
CECIL NEWTON SELLING SOUVENIRS IN PARKING LOT JOKE GOES HERE. Auburn had what was conservatively estimated at a 65,000 person crowd in Jordan-Hare for their victory celebration over the weekend. The national title flag was raised over the stadium, and the Brandon Cox Victory Statue was unveiled, or at least it should have been since you ungrateful bastards keep forgetting the man who laid the foundations for all of this to happen in the first place. (We won't even get into the complete burial of Chris Todd's contributions to all of this, but that first round money is more than enough to soothe the pain you cause him, Auburn fans.)
THIS JACKET MADE THEIR CELEBRATION SO MUCH BETTER ALL BY ITSELF. However much party was in Auburn over the weekend was but a mere whisper compared to the screaming carnival of this jacket, which by itself is more festive than 120,000 people. Grant Garcia a ninth year of eligibility proactively, NCAA, and continue the glory of the ANDIAMBRO era for as long as you can. Wear that jacket, ladies, and watch your breasts grow a cup size and glow with a benign and entirely natural bioluminescence; don it, gentlemen, and feel your hair swell with vitality and your genitals swell with vigor. (Attention: do NOT attempt to wear Garcia's jacket if you are not worthy, as you may burst into flames upon wearing the garment, a sight provoking a slight jerk of the head, a small grimace, and the comment "Well, [clears throat], That's a shame" from Steve Spurrier.)
SORT OF REAL FOOTBALL HAPPENED. Most everyone looked as mediocre as expected in the East-West Shrine Game, save for Delone Carter of Syracuse (the offensive MVP) and Marvin Austin, who had a defensive TD for the East in a 25-8 victory. Wes Byrum made one of three field goals because the judgment of an angry and deranged demon-god is on our side for the moment, and for that we thank him.
NORM CHOW RETURNS TO UTAH, ALBEIT SECULARLY. Seeing Chow at Utah is a bit weird, since he did spend the better part of two decades at BYU, but weirdness is life's way of slapping you awake at the wheel, and it's happening whether you like it or not. Meanwhile at the school Chow just left, Randy Shannon is interviewing for the defensive coordinator's job. He should excel both because he is an excellent DC, and because his inspirational tales of people being strangled with their own shoelaces in front of his horrified eyes will invigorate uninspired UCLA players. #RandyShannonisterrifying #Unlessyou'retalkingabouthimasaheadcoach #thenhesnotsoscary
GOOD LUCK STORMING THAT CASTLE. USC has appealed its football sanctions from the NCAA, and is seeking reductions in its two year bowl ban and its scholarship reductions. The pitch was made by USC's legal team, who declined an offer by Ed Orgeron to testify covered in blood and staring silently at the appeals board for an hour straight.<----would probably yield the same result, and cheaper.
YES, WE SEE THIS. Scoring update to follow, but yes, it was a festive weekend in Norman.