So I wrote this in the offseason, but I thought some of you guys might get a kick out of it, especially a) Buckeye fans and b) any of you state school kids who ended up in a program with a bunch of "elite" grads. Fuck them, and Fuck Clemson.
I used to be self-conscious about where I got my degree
Since almost everyone in TFA had an Ivy-League pedigree
And when I’d tell ‘em “The Ohio State” they’d roll their eyes and snort,
“Your school is like 50 spots below ours in US News Report!”
They all might have gone to Europe, and dined with high society,
While I rode a COTA bus downtown that kinda smelled like pee.
But once September rolls around, I find myself in luck,
Because now it's football season, and quite frankly, you all suck.
So Harvard, Amherst and Williams, you guys can go to hell
And join Georgetown, Duke, Yale, Holy Cross, Wesleyan and Bucknell.
Sure, you’ve been leading academic institutions since before the days of Prohibition,
But I don’t see you kicking ass now on ESPN, in sparkling High Definition.
Stanford might be one of the most prestigious schools in the land,
But they couldn’t beat OSU this year, even if we let them use their band.
And BYU? I’ve never seen a bigger bunch of fail,
They couldn’t handle the MWC, so they had to grab two root beers and bail.
We beat Rice by over 70, and we’d beat Tulane by more,
And if Vandy came to Columbus, we wouldn’t even want to guess the score.
I don’t care about your endowment, or whose name is on your dorm hall
Our BCS ranking is the only statistic I care about this fall.
My Buckeye friends, if you’re in town, go see the game for me,
Grill outside, play some cornhole, maybe have a beverage or three,
Strike up the band, dot the I, and scream LETS GO BUCKS,
It’s 10:35 AM on September 2nd, and Michigan Still Sucks.