A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BY THE CDC: KRAG1N1 SEASON IS HERE
by Spencer Hall on Jan 20, 2011 11:39 AM EST
Email
PrintThe CDC has important public health messages regarding a reported Krag1N1 outbreak in Southeast Louisiana.
Reports and informal communications have spread rumors of a potential Krag1N1 outbreak in the vicinity of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. While Krag1N1 is a potentially fatal infectious disease that should be taken with the utmost seriousness, we at the CDC urge caution. Education is the best weapon in any fight. Stay informed, and know the facts about Krag1N1 and you.
Am I in danger?
Are you an SEC defender? If so, no. Otherwise, yes. You are in mortal danger.
What are the symptoms of Krag1N1?
Fatigue, sometimes as early as the first quarter. Anemia. Cloudiness of thinking; sufferers often report an inability to hold onto even the simplest points. In later stages patients often report experiencing despair, depression, and "a loss of the will to live itself." Paralysis and death follow.
How is it transmitted?
By handshake and repeated contact with the vector, usually a man named "Steve Kragthorpe."
What is the course of treatment?
Amputation is the only known effective treatment, though medical science is working on alternate cures. One promising treatment is the supplementation of Krag1N1 infected cells with strong recruiting in the hope of mitigating some of Krag1N1's more damaging effects. Dr. Miles of Louisiana State University, known for his radical cures, will run a clinical trial this fall to test his hypothesis.
Wasn't Dr. Miles involved in disastrous time travel experiments?
Yes. Several, actually, all panning out with varying degrees of success.
How long can one expect to suffer from Krag1N1?
The condition will continue until amputation. Patients generally report this procedure as painless.
Are my friends and family in danger?
Yes. The entire Big East football division, once a respectable quarter in football terms, contracted Krag1N1 after an outbreak at Louisville. This infection continues, and may have mutated into O'Brien's Syndrome, the still-mysterious virus attacking the ACC. The symptoms are similar, though proper research has to be done on the possible relationship between the two.
Though no link has been definitively established, the possibility of this spreading to the rest of the SEC is real.
Is this similar to any other diseases?
Crowton's Palsy is very similar in its pathology.
If I am already infected with Crowton's Palsy or are just recuperating, how will I know if I have Krag1N1?
You may not notice a difference, really.
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Addaziosis is just a symptom of the much more serious Crudzfelt-Weis syndrome
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Someone please tell me
that Watson’s Chorea might fall under this umbrella as well – knowing is half the battle.
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
watsons cholera
Aka SHerpes. Symptoms are 3-4 weeks of flareups with the remaining 10 weeks of the season laying in dormancy
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 12:46 PM EST via mobile up reply actions
Crudzfelt-Weis Syndrome
is believed to be an aggressive and highly contagious form of Football Herpes. Patient Zero has been identified.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jan 20, 2011 6:28 PM EST up reply actions
Are there any postives side effects of Krag1N1?
Are you a CUSA team with a nickname reminiscent of a deviant sexual act? If so then the excision of KRAG1N1 will be followed by breif period of euphoria know colloquially as Malzahn Fever. If not then, no there are no positives.
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
Knowing that you might survive once it's all over... if you make it to the end.
I have confidence that Dr. Miles could find a cure through the use of multiple QBs to limit exposure to Krag1N1, as well as liberal uses of special teams as an offensive strategy.
Fake Punt on 2nd down!
fake FG on 3rd!
flea-flicker reverse throwback pass!
this can go on for a long time!
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"Congrats to Mississippi State, 1941 Football National Champions!'"
by CoastalCowbell on Jan 20, 2011 11:58 AM EST up reply actions
What's next, is Trent Johnson going to hire Billy Gillispie as an assistant?
Why have one program detroyer when you could have two?
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, is just a freight train coming your way...
@btcoop71
fail...destroyer
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, is just a freight train coming your way...
@btcoop71
YOU COULD DO WORSE!
Forgive me for thinking Billy Clyde is still a tremendous coach.
by AgAstraPerAspera on Jan 20, 2011 12:26 PM EST up reply actions
No worries
Many of us in Kentucky wish Billy Clyde would have kept being a tremendous coach for the Aggies….
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, is just a freight train coming your way...
@btcoop71
Dr. Miles working on infectious diseases
will either result in the creation of the Super Virus that wipes out half the population or the cure for cancer in pill form. Those are the only possible outcomes, and it will likely look like the super virus until the last second, no matter what the result is.
Managing Editor/Chief Lackey-And The Valley Shook THE LSU Tigers Blog of the Week for 52,136 Weeks in a Row and Counting
As a professional,
I’m very interested in Dr. Miles’ upcoming research on the new tropical strain of Weisitis.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jan 20, 2011 11:58 AM EST up reply actions
what is your profession?
can you put ‘arsonist’ on business cards these days?
by Philander Chase's Sweatervest on Jan 20, 2011 12:21 PM EST up reply actions
It could just be more efficient
to hand out pieces of paper that are on fire. Definitely cuts down on printing costs.
And all of us will be forced to choose:
Follow Mother Abigail
or Randy Flagg
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
by Go Big Rev on Jan 20, 2011 12:05 PM EST up reply actions 7 recs
could never decide if it gained or lost points
for an ending that turns dues ex machina up to 11.
by Philander Chase's Sweatervest on Jan 20, 2011 12:16 PM EST up reply actions
I choose Randy Flagg
And my fat girlfriend.
We're all on the Hindenberg. No reason to fight over a window seat.
by Stubob72556 on Jan 21, 2011 9:42 AM EST up reply actions 1 recs
That's worth a rec for the "fat girlfriend" line
"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." ~ Tom Robbins
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jan 21, 2011 9:57 AM EST up reply actions
The results of Dr. Miles time travel experiment
by touchdown H-town on Jan 20, 2011 11:54 AM EST reply actions
I think we all know where Miles will be during the zombie offense apocalypse...
In a bunker,
by touchdown H-town on Jan 20, 2011 11:58 AM EST reply actions 1 recs
Wrong kind of bunker...
Les ain’t scared of zombie offenses. Double reverse pass. Have the kicker run 30 yards for a TD. Score on multiple pick sixes.
by purwho on Jan 20, 2011 12:02 PM EST up reply actions 4 recs
He hired Kragthorpe to challenge his Defendse and special teams
Same reason he plays every hole with just a sand wedge. He’s aimin for those bunkers so that he can have the satisfaction of getting out of them and onto the green.
by touchdown H-town on Jan 20, 2011 12:07 PM EST up reply actions
i believe this is the Big 12 parallel
“Let me answer that for Will. He is disappointed his defense failed to score enough points to win.”
http://prevailandride.blogspot.com/2010/11/longhorn-football-season-in-review.html
Hey I see a Willingham in there
Utrinque Paratus
by Cranked_Irish on Jan 22, 2011 1:21 AM EST up reply actions
Just finished watching this show
Fan-FUCKING-tastic.
"This is an easy choice- feral pigs plus land mines equals random, airborne bacon." - blanx73
by The Ghost of John Hannah on Jan 20, 2011 2:20 PM EST up reply actions
Let's hope that Dr. Miles' Clinical Trials
Don’t take seven years to research. We could all perish by then.
Forever LSU, 'cause that's how we roll.
will dr miles be consulting with dr lou?
by Philander Chase's Sweatervest on Jan 20, 2011 12:18 PM EST reply actions
If Krag1N1 is cured through magic tricks
Dr. Lou has it covered.
It's alright, lonely little burger.
This is absolutely the most Les Miles hire possible
Seriously, this is the HR version of the bounce pass by the holder. Probably shouldn’t work, but will inevitably lead to beating Florida by 4 points. And I do mean by a score of 4-0.
/decidedschematicadvantage’d
//les’d
Is the feeling of cautious optimism?
Every item on the 2010 menu of LA directional cupcakes finished with a higher total offense than LSU before the Crowtoma was excised. Surely, it won’t metastisize? it can’t get worse, right? If we can make it to a top ten finish with the bottom 30 total offense, then we should be OK with this new guy since he can [allegedly – ed.] develop a QB? RIGHT? I am really needing some validation here.
validation denied via Smart Football and Doc Saturday. FUDGE!
by haveagreatday on Jan 20, 2011 12:53 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Head Coach != OC
I choose to be optimistic.
by chinesebandit on Jan 20, 2011 1:36 PM EST up reply actions
I like it. turn that frown upside down
Agreed. Plus, if LSU can just get on the positive side of the TD to INT ratio (10 to 11), we should be a helluva lot better.
by haveagreatday on Jan 20, 2011 2:03 PM EST up reply actions
Tammy Bowden Bitch Mentality
Has been another ailment that has tormented the ACC for so long. Obriens Syndrome is just a recent flairup to have been discovered, after it transmitted itself from the northeast into southern piedmont region. Scientist will continue to search for a cure for both, but no amount of research money that has been thrown at it seems to be working.
Don't give up, don't ever give up ~ Jim Valvano
This is no laughing matter. As someone who as been infected with O'Brien Syndrome
you don’t know how painful it can be. First, the dullness of it all blinds you and then you slip into a coma which prevents you from ever watching a Kickoff Classic or BCS Bowl game again (particularly the Orange Bowl unless you are playing the Big East team which makes everything a little better).
The O’Brien vector has reached Blacksburg were it mutated into Stinespringoma. The new symtoms are that you become slow and lathargic with no will to live. This can sometimes be treated with a transfusion of special team or defensive scoring excitment but the dull pain eventually returns, usually around BCS Bowl time when the crisis comes to a head. If you survive the coma, you will wake up with cleat marks on your ass and usually a bright red “S” or blue “K” written on your forehead.
Here’s a picture from this year’s outbreak on January 4th
Alec: Chris, did you really buy a $1400 toilet?
Chris: Yeah, it's great. It's Japanese and has those little warm water jets that clean the undercarriage.
Eric: Chris, it's a toilet, you shit in it.
silly spartan
You don’t recognize a young John L Smith strolling the streets of Detroit?
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 1:20 PM EST via mobile up reply actions
"Dr. Miles ... will run a clinical trial this fall to test his hypothesis"
clinically INSANE trials, you mean
/HEYEOO!!
This is a collaboration between The Hat, NIH, USDA and FDA.
Since luring patient 0 of Krag1N1 to Plum Island or Ft. Dietrich was too risky, they went for a more football-friendly environment to isolate him. Baton Rouge’s proximity to Carville, Louisiana made it a no-brainer.
T&P
I’m still recovering from Chronic Frangina
by Dr. Norris Camacho on Jan 20, 2011 1:27 PM EST reply actions
Hey, it could be worse.
Some here are still recovering from Ballpox.
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
at least you knew you were sick
in columbus we can’t ever quite decide if our case of Tressetal Crabs is a parasitic or symbiotic relationship.
by Philander Chase's Sweatervest on Jan 20, 2011 2:48 PM EST up reply actions
That's where you beat everyone except Michigan, right?
Since the Orange aren’t in the Big Ten, I think we can work with that. :)
Oh, I wasn't saying I had Ballpox.
As noted above, we’re suffering from an ongoing case of Watson’s Chorea.
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
would take watsons chorea anyday
Over the threat of KevinCosgroma. I hear minnesota had a double Cosgrectomy and has a long road ahead before they regain full FBS defensive strength
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 3:31 PM EST via mobile up reply actions
Ask Wisconsin how to deal with a case of KevinCosgroma
You somehow convince your cheif rival to hire him away, even though you want him gone with all your being.
It’s a double win
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
nebraska
Had to bring back Dr Tom to perform a full Callahamputation to cure them of their Kevincosgroma. You never wish it on anyone, let alone a poor kid like Minnesota
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 4:11 PM EST via mobile up reply actions
See that's where you're mistaken
There is no fate so evil that I wouldn’t wish it on Minnesota
/D-1s oldest rivalry FTW
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
new kid here
Being a nebraska fan, were new to who hates who. We’ve gotta find out which lunch tables to sit at in our new surroundings…
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 4:18 PM EST via mobile up reply actions
You're about to forced into having Iowa as the object of your big 10 hate
So you’re going to be shoehorned into the triangle of hate that is Wisconsin-Minnesota-Iowa. Those three schools have 3 of the oldest rivalries (if not the 3 oldest) in the Big 10. Wisconsin-Iowa dates back to 1894. Iowa-Minnesota dates back to 1891 and Wisconsin-Minnesota dates back to 1890.
It only makes perfect sense that if the Big 10 wants to create an Iowa-Nebraska rivalry, taht Wisconsin, Iowa, Minnesota, and Nebraska should be in the same division and play each other every year.
/facepalm
//stupid delany
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
Objection! Iowa's MOST HATED RIVAL (tm) is that school that doesn't exist
"I think so, Brain, but how are we going to get the bacon flavoring into the pencils?"
Black Heart Gold Pants always manages to find the silver lining in everything
Someone finally found a reason to hate Purdue. And all it took was the Big 10 declaring the game a “protected rivalry” as if anyone would try steal the Purdue game away from them.
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
Maybe you could ask them to help get your bucket back?
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
Oh God, I had never considered the ramifications
Of the AIRBHG having a regularly scheduled appointment in the land of exploding ACLs. I shudder at the possibilities.
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
they'll end up playing 'Murderball' in that series
give it a few years.
/goingdirectlytohellforthatone
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"Congrats to Mississippi State, 1941 Football National Champions!'"
by CoastalCowbell on Jan 20, 2011 5:02 PM EST up reply actions
I will go to Murderball with Minnesota first.
Whenever they show up, Robbie Hummel explodes and/or we lose, regardless of sport.
I think he was going for the fact that everyone in the Purdue-Iowa game will be confined to wheelchairs
"Football - For the Touchdowns; Playbook - Full of Touchdowns; PIRATE HAT and BACKUP PIRATE HAT" ~ WR Emeritus Golden Tate
yes
thus the ‘going directly to hell’. Murderball was a good doc, though.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"Congrats to Mississippi State, 1941 Football National Champions!'"
by CoastalCowbell on Jan 20, 2011 5:09 PM EST up reply actions
for any big ten basketball fans
You’re welcome for the 2 extra wins per year by playing nebraska now. We expect reciprocation in the form of no less than two (2) sacrificial referees per football contest to appease the pelini brothers
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 5:04 PM EST via mobile up reply actions
Hey, now.
They almost beat Kansas and Missourah this past week, and took down a previously undefeated-in-conference Colorado team. They won’t be basement dwellers this year.
/pleaseCOTGdon’tletthembebasementdwellersagain
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
COTG farts a stream of lava
and laughs at the notion that your plea will be heard and reinstates standhardinger just to kick him off the team again!!
by alex henery's foot on Jan 20, 2011 8:27 PM EST up reply actions
I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left-hand side.
Bradley-Terry rankings for college football and basketball: because there aren't enough computer rankings already.
by SpartanDan on Jan 21, 2011 3:20 AM EST up reply actions 2 recs
I have a case of Chronic Mustache.
It’s not really that bad. Side effects are an insatiable hunger for ice chips.
Luckily Louisville is now immune
After contracting the Krag1N1 we have now become immune to it’s effects.
I would disagree witht the analysis of the amuptation proceedure as painless, the vast majority reported a feeling of euphoria. The proceedure was however extremely expensive ($4,450,000) and yet still well worth the money.
Oddly
Gerg’s Dystrophy renders you immune to Krag1N1, but the side effects are so terrible that you shouldn’t try that.
by drothgery on Jan 20, 2011 6:15 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Gerg's Dystrophy
I lol’d.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jan 20, 2011 6:22 PM EST up reply actions
Most of these are treatable
One that is a lifetime illness and killing Offenses and QB’s alike for decades"
ShoopN Cough
ShoopN Cough stays in your blood stream. Kills all hope of winning a game u should. Or just enough offense to barely win.
1st stage is running to strong side with no blocking
2nd stage is dreaded QB Bootleg with a TE and FB as receivers against nickle coverage.
3rd Stage is Jet Sweep that cost u 10 yards more yards.
4th Stage is PUNT.
Repeated 3 and Outs are usually a sign of Full blow case.
U can live with it for many years with only mild “flare ups”.
Best and only treatments are:
OR
I can always recognize Grossman
’Cuz he looks like a chubby Namor the Submariner.
I love green because money be green.
by Joey C. on Jan 20, 2011 4:30 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Good News!!! A cure has been found!!!!!!!!
it called “CamNew Tonic” – but that’s the good news
the bad news is it only lasts a year, and yes…. wait for it….
it costs AT LEAST $180K per dose
/thatwastooeasy
by WahEgul on Jan 20, 2011 5:39 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
WARNING
CamNew Tonic is still under investigation by government authorities. Side effects may include death or permanent paralysis of your program.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jan 20, 2011 6:25 PM EST up reply actions
that's just a side effect..
of the serotonin increaser Nickfairley* included in initial doses
*otherwise known as Vitamin QBSack
Side effects of Nickfairley x9000 may include
blury vision, increased heart rate, exploding ACLs, cramping, if a leg comes of for more than four hours please consult your physician.
Dr. Ausgiano schools me in the classroom and on the field of battle
by MarioVanPeebles Republic of China on Jan 20, 2011 7:50 PM EST up reply actions
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