EDSBS strength coach Rick Muscles joins us for a multi-part series on reclaiming your pre-football season body. You will need to put on a jock strap to read this properly.
If you're like me you've been drinking beers and eating chicken wings since late August and you've probably put on an extra couple of pounds from all the 4 Loko and Texas Pete you ingested. Currently I look like Brendan Fraser after being abducted by the Kevin Spacey and being punished for my sin of gluttony. So where do we begin? I'll tell you!
GETTING TO THE GYM!
So you're leaving work and of course you're enraged, you spilled greek yogurt on your peacoat and your cute co worker accused of sexual harassment (You're into frottage, what of it?). You immediately storm home and stop in front of your house. You pull out your bull horn and announce to you wife, "BE READY WHEN I'M BACK! WE'RE GONNA FUCK!" This doesn't bother your wife that much because she's accepted your manly ways (she knows you read Tucker Max). She became much more receptive when you cut off your left ring finger with a Veneer Saw (you're still saving up for that table saw but your wages are garnished for operating an unlicensed hospital) over a dispute because you wanted to watch Ice Road Truckers and she wanted to watch The Cooler (she started cutting herself too).
After this you immediately speed to the gym, you have so much rage in your heart you're almost in tears. Of course you listen to Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" because you're super into Neuro Linguistic Programming and you like to imagine your huge glowing muscles while kick ass horns play. Make sure and tailgate everyone in front of you, especially that asshole who has a bigger F150 than you.
Once you're in the parking lot, slam your car door with authority so everyone in the lot knows your an alpha male. Walk to the receptionist and make sure the surveillance cameras are working, also advise her she can keep a DVD for herself. Then immediately change in the locker room. Check yourself out in the mirror and wonder if you should shave you chest (you think maybe for the summer). Then you get naked. Turn your pelvis to the left of you and make sure the 55 year old guy next to you knows you're a man. Then turn to the right of you and flex naked in the mirror. It's ok if you get aroused (not OK if some dude in the locker room is aroused.) Pull on your jock strap and 100% cotton shorts and make a jailbreak for the squat rack. You're ready.
That concludes my guide to getting to the weight room. Thanks!