THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/8/2010

Some of the following news will be slightly aged for our standards, but yesterday was busy, and we do at least want to point and laugh at John Blake getting fired moving on to better opportunities from North Carolina. 

THE SATANIC HIRSUTE HIPPO DOG OF VICTORY APPROACHES. 

It's a Pokemon contamination protection suit. It's a hippo who works in sewage removal and septic tank cleaning. It's an obese horse with a follicular disorder who chose to live a man after being ostracized by his own kind. It's what Tracy Morgan's soul looks like. It's a really fucked-up seahorse. It's UVA's new mascot, and it's running towards you to beg for a speedy death to end this sham of an existence it has. If you're kind, you'll grant it this one merciful, perfectly understandable wish. 

BUTCH DAVIS WILL STAY BUT THAT GUY EVERYONE POINTS TO AND SAYS SERIOUSLY THAT'S JUST A PROBLEM WAITING TO HAPPEN WON'T. John Blake, the UNC assistant and former Oklahoma head coach universally regarded as a walking recruiting violation, has left UNC in the wake of the NCAA probe into agent ties at UNC. Many of those ties lead back to Blake's tight relationship with sports agent Gary Wichard, who is former UNC player Kentwan Balmer, who allegedly paid for Marvin Austin's trip to Miami that started this whole thing, and who is one of 13 players who played under Blake to have signed with Wichard. Here is a sword, sir: if you're kind, you'll fall gut-first onto it for my convenience. 

REGGIE BUSH TO HAVE ARBITRARILY AWARDED AWARD ARBITRARILY TAKEN FROM HIM. The Heisman, an award given to the college quarterback or running back who appears most often on national television each year, will likely be stripped from Reggie Bush for his involvement in the sports marketing rep fiasco placing USC on probation.The Heisman Trust is denying this, but they have to do that. 

Let us please list the things that may get a Heisman stripped from you: 

1. Screwing a sports marketing rep and taking money and gifts you shouldn't. 

WHY WE DIDN'T SEE ANDRE DEBOSE ON THE FIELD SATURDAY: Because he was fine in pass protection and low on ass protection, particularly in the field of keeping himself out of trouble. This is an internal matter, and you'll find out exactly what caused it sometime around the time you found out Percy Harvin had migraines so bad he'd vomit ad have to lie down for a week. (Read: Four years after the fact.) 

THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL LES MILES. The latest ploy to fire him is scheduling the 2011 opener versus Oregon at the JerryDome, which is just another step in the long process of making LSU's schedule so difficult that eventually Miles will succumb to the slaughter of facing too many quality opponents. Watching him continue to defy this is turning into a Clouseau/Dreyfus situation, where an AD ends up straitjacketed and babbling about Miles' inability to be killed while Miles somehow survives numerous assassination-by-schedule attempts. 

PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE. If we were an Illinois football player, we'd drink heavily, too. 

GET MONEY, K-FRONT. That would be his rap handle if he even knew what rap was, though he's already got the get money part down pat. 

MAN, JON BOIS IS RIGHT THEY DO HAVE A LOT TO PROVE. Boise State did make Congress commission a weapon that could destroy the moon, which is good because you really don't have any clue what's really going on up there, do you? 

*You do all know this is a nod to Norm MacDonald's famous running gag of reminding everyone all the time that OJ Simpson totally killed two people, right? RIGHT?