PRESCRIPTIVE CAPSULES FOR THE INJURY NEWS OF MARK INGRAM
by Spencer Hall on Aug 31, 2010 1:20 PM EDT
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PrintThe internet contains many different sources of news so that you, the consumer, may only read what you want to read and acknowledge what is truthful. Returning Heisman winner and Alabama running back Mark Ingram is going to have arthroscopic knee surgery and will miss the Tide's opener against San Jose State at the least. In this vein, we give various fanbases exactly what they want and need to hear at this moment.
ALABAMA FANS, INTERNAL MONOLOGUE. OMG WE'RE DOOMED JUST DOOMED HOLY HELL WE'RE GONNA LOSE FIFTEEN GAMES THIS YEAR DO WE PLAY FIFTEEN GAMES I BET WE DO THAT'S JUST HOW MUCH THE SEC HATES US AND THEY'RE ALL WITH A BYE WEEK GREG MCELROY IS GONNA TURN INTO JOHN PARKER WILSON WITH GOUT AND I KNEW NICK SABAN WASN'T THE MAN FOR THE JOB WE SHOULDA HIRED BELICHICK OR GENE STALLINGS ISN'T BUSY MAYBE HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING AND OH GOD IS THERE SOME RUBBING ALCOHOL OR SOMETHING AROUND HERE THE COPIER FLUID WILL HAVE TO DO OH SWEET COPIER FLUID YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE WHEN I NEED YOU GLUG GLUG GURGLE--
ALABAMA FANS, EXTERNAL RESPONSE: Whatever, man. Trent Richardson is a beast.
PENN STATE FANS, EXTERNAL RESPONSE: "Hey, we've got a real chance now!"
PENN STATE FANS, INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: "Hey, we've got a real chance now!" <----They actually think this.
AUBURN FANS, EXTERNAL RESPONSE: Chizik's gonna get ya! We're catching up, Crimson Turd! WAR EAGLE!
AUBURN FANS, INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Chizik's gonna get ya! We're catching up, Crimson Turd! WAR EAGLE! [Nude picture of Trooper Taylor waving towel and doing the helicopter appears in mind. FEELINGS OF PURE LUST ENSUE.]
[GIF OF THIS HORRIFYING IMAGE GOES HERE.]
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Re: [GIF OF THIS HORRIFYING IMAGE GOES HERE.]
Well???? We’re waaaaaitttinnngggg!!!
/Best Ted Knight voice/
Or
you could loofa his stretch marks.
by An 'eer with a beer on Aug 31, 2010 2:28 PM EDT up reply actions
whatever man, eddie lacy is a beast.
Roll 'Bama Roll: The Champagne of 'Bama Blogs.
by kleph on Aug 31, 2010 1:25 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
I fully expect Mark Ingram III to win a Heisman 20 years from now anyways
Still… this news ruined my lunch…
Fumbles. It was always Fumbles
PANIC. SWEET PANIC.
_________________
I'm Banana dammit!!!
by BurritoBrosShits on Aug 31, 2010 1:26 PM EDT reply actions
What me worry???
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 3:13 PM EDT up reply actions
Alabama fans should be scared
"Dodger fans aren’t happy when foul balls get into their section, because it interferes with their playing with the beachball"- Mike Krukow
HEY NOW.
That’s the former offensive coordinator at Duke we’re talking about here.
Because college football is too important to be left to the professionals.
by Spencer Hall on Aug 31, 2010 1:28 PM EDT up reply actions
The "Larger" button
on that picture is truly frightening
Don't they have medicine for that now...I mean you can't cure it but...
I understand hate. I'm a Alabama fan.
He swims daily.
James Andrews has a scrooge mcduck sized vault full of endangered fuck ligers. [insert Braskyism modified for the good doctor]
"Your beard is weird" "Your stache is trash"
Reason number billionty
That preseason rankings are idiotic.
Having said that, when the backup is the second-best RB in the land, I’d caution against over-exuberance in the enemy camps.
I'm not sweating it for several reasons.
1) He had his knee scoped. 2-4 weeks, tops.
2) His backup his the world’s angriest ball of hate.
3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no2VP4IwzWM&feature=related
4) Did I mention Richardson is also returning kickoffs? SJSU had better pray they win the coin toss, otherwise, they may be missing 11 men after the first kickoff for the rest of the season.
by El Kabong!!! on Aug 31, 2010 2:07 PM EDT up reply actions
Rubbing alcohol? Copier fluid?
What is this, amateur hour?
Brian Kelly says no commercial interruption.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Aug 31, 2010 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
1) They have to pace themselves, you’ve had a lot more practice over the last couple of years. Let them ease into it.
2) “Bleach keeps you young, or so I’ve been told, because no-one who drinks it lives to get old.”
"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea"
I know they're new to this; that's why i suggested Clorox.
Personally, I prefer the harder stuff.
Brian Kelly says no commercial interruption.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Aug 31, 2010 2:18 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
The real breakfast of champions
when mixed with habaneros.
Sancto Tedford
by Anonymous IV at Mono Lake on Aug 31, 2010 2:57 PM EDT up reply actions
Habaneros?
Go for the Bhut Jolokia (Ghost Peppers) son. Also, please let us know which hospital you’ll be in.
by PalmettoTiger on Aug 31, 2010 4:22 PM EDT up reply actions
Those are fucking insane
I tried one tiny bite and couldn’t breathe for minutes.
Habaneros are good and flavorful, still will put an asswhuppin’ on ya
Auburn and Tennessee fans are a lot like Slinkys...neither are worth much but you do get a sense of satisfaction from pushing them down a flight of stairs
I just hope they don't use the same surgeon
who did Tyrone Prothro’s surgery. I don’t wish that upon anyone.
by Riley Cooper's Mane on Aug 31, 2010 1:39 PM EDT reply actions
how bout a cheap shot on a receiver as he's in the air trying to catch a ball?
cause if florida’s bitch as DB hadn’t gotten so resoundingly beat on that play, he wouldn’t of had to resort to hitting Pro while he was in the air and before he’d caught the ball….. am i not making sense? let me re-phrase it then
stupid gator anything talkin bout prothro STFU!!!! it’s all y’alls fault!! you loser ass johnny come lately asshats….(thats a true Bama fan internal monologue right thur)
The beauty of The Process is that you have never arrived, so you get to continue being perpetually awesome... -Espyonage
by tempebamafan on Aug 31, 2010 2:09 PM EDT up reply actions
(thats a true Bama fan internal monologue right thur)
with the Wal-Mart receipt to prove it.
by Board Certified Scrotologist on Aug 31, 2010 2:11 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
and a nice
Blizzard at the attached Dairy Queen.
/I-65 is a wasteland
"Nice coat! Who shot the couch?"
by CoastalCowbell on Sep 1, 2010 9:10 AM EDT up reply actions
He wouldn't even have gotten hurt
if they weren’t trying to run up the score. Dee Webb did get torched on that play (as he did all day).
by Riley Cooper's Mane on Aug 31, 2010 2:13 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Dr. Lyle Cain did Mark's surgery.
He is Dr. Andrews’ office. Stellar reputation. He repaired my torn labrum (after putting the should back in socket w/out any meds or painkillers). One of the best.
by dirt sandwich on Aug 31, 2010 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions
Dr. Cain checked my knee
And recommended against surgery, much to the chagrin of my local bone doctor. He’s one of the best out there.
And the local surgeon was upset because I was costing him a new boat or something! But once he heard that Dr. Cain was my 2nd opinion he STFU’ed
You have no idea...
…what I had to go through to get those nudes of King Troop! Even Daniel Moore couldn’t capture his…magnificence!
I swear to Pat Dye's pants I will make Trudy Campbell my wife!
Dammit, there goes my fantasy team
Come on, Jeff Demps!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains
by Chekhov's Spread Gun Option on Aug 31, 2010 1:54 PM EDT reply actions
thanks for showing you're concern, hate'ahs
but we’ll be fine. and of course we’re thinking “Trent Richardson’s a beast” but i’m also thinking ans saying “Eddie Lacy is going to be the new Trent Richardson. get ready for a combined 200 yards from Richardson and Lacy, penn state.”
The beauty of The Process is that you have never arrived, so you get to continue being perpetually awesome... -Espyonage
crap!!!!!!!!!!! your, your, your, YOUR concern.
we really are going to lose all 15 games this season….
The beauty of The Process is that you have never arrived, so you get to continue being perpetually awesome... -Espyonage
by tempebamafan on Aug 31, 2010 2:05 PM EDT up reply actions
ya know, ESPN has already started saying that....
Eddie Lacy could be better than Trent Richardson………
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 3:16 PM EDT up reply actions
External: It's week-to-week, he'll be back and fine by the Arkansas game
Internal: (nothing coherent, as the amount of whiskey ingested will not allow conscious thought)
"You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But there's nothing funny about vapor lock! It's the third most common cause of cars stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked!" -Joe Namath
Paul Johnson, internal monologue
“How is the CSI: Miami squad going to solve that case I was watching before bed last night?”
Paul Johnson, sleep-talking
Ahhhh, membumble, HUH. Jesssus, the stupid shittt tha comes ou yr mouth….memANDLGE…pitchit, pitchit, PITCHIT YOU STUPID SHITBIR….mayneishabl…Weryubornstupid?…;amphenembagghhhh…..watch this. Ha!…mephempblg…
I think the world really wants to know Vandys Coach Caldwells inner monologue
…"whew its a HOT ONE today….i knew I shoulda shot that turkey this past spring……I wonder if there are any snakes in them woods…..these guys on the field are smart, but slow as molasses on a turtles ass comin off the edge……I sure hope that first check I get clears the bank before the AD calls me to his office…..God I love homemade biscuits….gotta watch that weight….fried deer meat is the tits…..good God Im hungry, Id start at the mouth of a dead cow and eat my way thru the ass it like a possum…I sure could use some sweet tea like my momma used to make…..so sweet it made my diabetic brother go into a coma
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 3:58 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
I'd be surprised if there were any difference
between Coach Caldwell’s statements and his inner monologue. There’s no way he has some sort of filter between thought and speech.
The French haven't the nature for war. Their Gallic laziness combines with their Latinate voluptuousness with the result that they would rather eat and make love with their faces than fight.
it all worked until
you used ‘tits’ as a replacement for ‘the best’ or ‘awesome’
it took me almost a day before i realized it meant something different in the north. i kept breaking my neck looking for the ladies.
...i'm not falling asleep; i'm just fading to black...
by Boozy McHound on Aug 31, 2010 4:24 PM EDT up reply actions
Vandy does not employ an AD.
They not only eliminated the position, they got rid of the entire department. True story.
by GwinnettGamecock on Aug 31, 2010 6:51 PM EDT up reply actions
That is nude for Trooper.
Because college football is too important to be left to the professionals.
by Spencer Hall on Aug 31, 2010 3:01 PM EDT up reply actions
I can't imagine Med School
Prepared that doctor for a breech birth sponsored by Lids.
by Run Home Jack on Aug 31, 2010 3:08 PM EDT up reply actions
I notice
that haven’t been any breathless posts about how undercover Tuscaloosa Auburn fans were behind this injury, yet.
Did anyone see the bumper stickers on the car driven by the tech who ran the scope?
Those are bammers posing as undercover Auburn fans
See yesterday’s reference to NORTHWOODS
by PalmettoTiger on Aug 31, 2010 2:33 PM EDT up reply actions
I'm really interested
to see how Trent Richardson will do as the number 1 against Penn State. God knows he’s been hyped to being better than Mark Ingram (which seems dick since Ingram just won the God damn Heisman and carried that team’s offense last year.) He made 145 carries last year, so he has had some good reps.
WOO HEISMAN WINNER NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP ROOOOLLLLL TAAAHDD
by The Commenter Formerly Known as Not You on Aug 31, 2010 2:37 PM EDT reply actions
Err, Heisman Winner INJURY National Championship. Excuse me, need more caffeine.
by The Commenter Formerly Known as Not You on Aug 31, 2010 2:38 PM EDT up reply actions
NO WE AINT WE GOIN UNDEFEATED WOOOOOOOOOO
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
If I understand your fanbase correctly..
None of the games really count until he comes back, right?
"Only the strong survive, but the strong still get their ass whipped." -Nick Saban
I think losses don’t count but wins count double.
"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea"
by DC Trojan on Aug 31, 2010 5:46 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
i think all reasonable parties can agree texas deserves a "do-over"
like they got in the big 12 title game. its only fair….
The beauty of The Process is that you have never arrived, so you get to continue being perpetually awesome... -Espyonage
No one will want Ingram back...
…more than the first poor schmuck who steps in front of a full throttle Eddie Lacy.
It’s one of the oldest football cliches – “his back-up is just as good” – but in this case it’s it’s hard fact w/Richardson & Lacy. According to Bama’s 2009 first team D, the best back they faced all year was redshirt Eddie Lacy on the scout team. We shall see.
It's a sure sign of impending societal collapse when we have so many grown men sitting around and arguing on the Interwebz about other people they don't know playing games that don't matter. But it can occasionally be fun.
and...
if this third string back is the best back on your team, what would that say about Nick Saban?
If you pay attention, you’ll notice those sorts of comments aren’t out of the ordinary… every team says “our young players are amazing, I’m used to them talking and not backing it up… but this class backs it up. [Player X] will be an All-American by the time he’s done”
by Caban on Aug 31, 2010 2:49 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
It says Saban knows how to get talent
Last year everyone said, “But there’s gotta be a dropoff at QB. ‘Cause if McElroy was really better than JPW, he’d have been starting instead, right?”
We saw how that worked out.
It's a sure sign of impending societal collapse when we have so many grown men sitting around and arguing on the Interwebz about other people they don't know playing games that don't matter. But it can occasionally be fun.
Espn is already reporting that ....
Demetrius Goode is already better than Eddie Lacy, should Trent Richardson get hurt….
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 3:20 PM EDT up reply actions
Backups are NEVER better than starters
Just ask Drew Bledsoe, Matt Leinart, Roy Williams…
"Only the strong survive, but the strong still get their ass whipped." -Nick Saban
Nobody made that argument
But don’t let that stop you from arguing from the rare, rare, rare exception to a solid general rule
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
Eh
I’m not saying it’s common, and I don’t actually think Lacy is better than the other two (and Ingram and Richardson are a wash against each other), but to say that the only reason a better player might be on the bench is coaching ineptitude is also a silly statement.
"Only the strong survive, but the strong still get their ass whipped." -Nick Saban
Whatever happened to the Alabama/Auburn threadjacks?
I really don’t want to have to go to Al.com to see that. They used to be here and quite entertaining.
Pandemonium Reigns
by Pandemonium Reigns on Aug 31, 2010 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
The bammer posts alone are sometimes enough and can't be improved by barner trollin
WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO SECOND AND THIRD STRING NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS WOOOOOOOOO WE AINT NEVER GON LOSE AGIN THE BAHR IS BACK!
Nick Saban is my BFF
If they would learn to restrain Dont'a Hightower, he wouldn't be putting
the hurt on all of our starting RB’s……I thought to myself that maybe Ingram got chopped blocked by some Auburn guys while he was standing in line to go see “Nick Saban: GameChanger 2: Electric Boogaloo”
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
I’m so Confused.
I thought Nick Saban: Game Changer was Joe Dirt 2.
So that would make the next movie Nick Saban: Game Changer 3 – Me and my Messed Up Knee.
by Board Certified Scrotologist on Aug 31, 2010 3:44 PM EDT up reply actions
Nick Saban:Game Changer 3-How I left the Alabama program in disarray for Michigan
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 3:50 PM EDT up reply actions
Nick Saban: Game Changer 4 - 6 Million Dollar Offer from the Cowboys
Or how I learned to stop worrying and started to love my pure gold jacuzzi.
by Charles UF on Aug 31, 2010 4:17 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
rec'd
/kubrick’d
"Nice coat! Who shot the couch?"
by CoastalCowbell on Aug 31, 2010 4:19 PM EDT up reply actions
Nick Saban: Game Changer 7: Leprechaun in Da Hood
/bronze statue’d
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 4:35 PM EDT up reply actions
Nick Saban: Game Changer 8: Revenge of Waka Flocka
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 4:37 PM EDT up reply actions
Nick Saban: Game Changer 9: Saban in the Clouds
Or the Mayor of Munchkinland on a Personal Watercraft
Dammit Chuck
someone’s gonna have to change and it ain’t gonna be me.
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
I'm sorry
I know we should all take Alabama football and Coach Saban more seriously.
Nick Saban is my BFF
you misread me sir
I would have made the comment no matter what team I pull for, I was being sarcastic towards the lack of humor contained in the posts, not the object of the humor.
that being said, ’ey forget about it. Yes perhaps I am undergoing some emotional trauma right now and being unfairly rude…
Nick Saban, Game Changer 12
Climbin’ In Your House, Snatchin Your People* Up
- = 5 Star ’Cruits
by Board Certified Scrotologist on Aug 31, 2010 5:41 PM EDT up reply actions
Nick Saban: Game Changer 9: Da Hip Hop Witch
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
"standing in line"
Can’t a Heisman winner get some respect and be led straight to the VIP seats?
If not then I wouldn’t rule out the chop blocking.
Nick Saban is my BFF
Attention NCAA Football Fans
Alabama will win every national champnionship from this point forward. Don’t even try it. That is all.
All ur Natl Championships are belong to us
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 4:36 PM EDT up reply actions
The real issue..
..is not whether Richardson can replace Ingram for a few games. I do believe we are fine there (internally and externally).
The question is, can Eddie Lacey replace Trent Richardson? We need to keep that dual-threat on every down – we can’t have defenses drop back into pass coverage every time Trent goes off the field. Expect to see Lacey get a lot of carries in the San Jose St. game to get him prepped to fill his role for Penn St.
ESPN has announced that in lieu of Ingram getting hurt, and Richardson being banged up..
and Goode being held out of practice, Corey Grant may be better than any and all of Alabamas previous offensive players, even Namath and Stabler, combined…..
THE EDGE– there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
by mrpelicanpants on Aug 31, 2010 5:54 PM EDT up reply actions
Ahhhhhh
One thing I love about haters, when we beat them the tears are so much sweeter. (Wish I still had bottle of Tebow’s.)
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
Cuz nobody on Alabama
Would ever cry about anything, right?
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/12/14/curious-index-121409/
The difference is...
…one is crying because he won a prestigious award (I didn’t click on the link but I’m sure thats what it is). One because Alabama just crushed his hopes and dreams. I am not deriding either man for crying. I cry about 6-10 times a day. I’m just pointing out the difference.
And if you want creepy irrational fandom, my friend has been trying to talk his girlfriend into getting a “Tebow crying” tattoo on her back for months now.
Papa Saban is here to reassure us
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=5519681
He said the injury is “not a serious thing.” Translation: it’s no Pearl Harbor, folks.
Saban also said of Ingram, “he’ll be back soon.” Translation: Mark Ingram has been quietly put down, but the kids are a little too young to break the news to them.
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