PRESCRIPTIVE CAPSULES FOR THE INJURY NEWS OF MARK INGRAM

The internet contains many different sources of news so that you, the consumer, may only read what you want to read and acknowledge what is truthful. Returning Heisman winner and Alabama running back Mark Ingram is going to have arthroscopic knee surgery and will miss the Tide's opener against San Jose State at the least. In this vein, we give various fanbases exactly what they want and need to hear at this moment. 

ALABAMA FANS, INTERNAL MONOLOGUE. OMG WE'RE DOOMED JUST DOOMED HOLY HELL WE'RE GONNA LOSE FIFTEEN GAMES THIS YEAR DO WE PLAY FIFTEEN GAMES I BET WE DO THAT'S JUST HOW MUCH THE SEC HATES US AND THEY'RE ALL WITH A BYE WEEK GREG MCELROY IS GONNA TURN INTO JOHN PARKER WILSON WITH GOUT AND I KNEW NICK SABAN WASN'T THE MAN FOR THE JOB WE SHOULDA HIRED BELICHICK OR GENE STALLINGS ISN'T BUSY MAYBE HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING AND OH GOD IS THERE SOME RUBBING ALCOHOL OR SOMETHING AROUND HERE THE COPIER FLUID WILL HAVE TO DO OH SWEET COPIER FLUID YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE WHEN I NEED YOU GLUG GLUG GURGLE--

ALABAMA FANS, EXTERNAL RESPONSE: Whatever, man. Trent Richardson is a beast. 

PENN STATE FANS, EXTERNAL RESPONSE: "Hey, we've got a real chance now!" 

PENN STATE FANS, INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: "Hey, we've got a real chance now!" <----They actually think this.

AUBURN FANS, EXTERNAL RESPONSE:  Chizik's gonna get ya! We're catching up, Crimson Turd! WAR EAGLE! 

AUBURN FANS, INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Chizik's gonna get ya! We're catching up, Crimson Turd! WAR EAGLE! [Nude picture of Trooper Taylor waving towel and doing the helicopter appears in mind. FEELINGS OF PURE LUST ENSUE.] 

[GIF OF THIS HORRIFYING IMAGE GOES HERE.] 

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