THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/26/2010

YOU GOTTA GET IN THERE LIKE A SHE-TURKEY HOPPING ON THE BASTER.  Vanderbilt miked up Robbie Caldwell, and while there are no turkey references anywhere in the footage, he does lay down a generous gravy of country accent, Cracker Barrel witticism, and gives every person on the team an Old Timer Breakfast! He doesn't actually do this. We're just really hungry right now. 

I HAVE A GREAT IDEA LET'S GIVE ME MORE MONEY. Colorado will be staying in the Big 12 through the 2011 season, most likely because they have no money to pay their exit fees from the Big 12, just as they had no money last year to buy Dan Hawkins out and indeed may not have the money to buy him out this year (unless they're postponing the departure to buy out Hawkins and start anew in the Pac-10.) Why is this mentionable today, a few days after the fact? Because Hawkins just suggested they float him a contract extension for stability's sake and to reward his 16-33 record at the school over five years. Commence the deep, hearty laughter doctors prescribe when faced with the absurdity of human existence. 

BRIAN KELLY SOMETIMES LIKES TO CURSE. Shocking reports from South Bend! Tony Dungy would not approve, and will inspect your facilities after he notes this infraction in his notebook. 

THEY WILL ALSO SIMULATE THE THIRD QUARTER HUSH FALLING OVER NEYLAND WHEN THEY FALL BEHIND BY THREE POINTS. Derek Dooley will simulate every element of a Vol gameday right down to the fans giving up and sinking into a pit of sorrow the instant they fall behind by so much as a field goal and the subsequent group sulk. We've been told this is due to the brutal comedown from a brown liquor high into cold, hungover reality, which is why we still recommend vodka for maximum drunken rooting efficiency. Vodka: Keeping EDSBS In The Game and Cheering Since 1994. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. BYU will likely remain in the Mountain West after being reminded that as in relationships, polygamy in football conference membership is  frowned upon by polite American society. 

LES MILES IS DANCING HERE, OR PERHAPS RIPPING A NOSE-SEARING FART AND RUNNING. Either one could be happening here. 

SOOTHE THYSELVES OKAY PANIC. So if the logic is correctly delineated here, Urban Meyer is having a minor PR crisis over the Powell/Easley freshman snit because people weren't there to notice they weren't there, and thus found out two days later as multiple outlets then calmly reported that Easley and Powell were back at practice without incident, and thus turned what could have been a three day story into a momentary heart attack for us. We're not fond of the news blackout at Florida, either, but to say that it didn't benefit Florida in this one instance is just convoluting the events of the day for a headline. Next time just link it, bypass all analysis, and type the ultimate SBB headline: KARDASHIAN DEAD STEVE MCNAIR TIGER ERIN ANDREWS OMG.