THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/25/10

YOU NEVER HAVE A GOOD PRACTICE ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. Further proof that you do not progress past toddlerhood: football players, when asked to do two things in a day (go to class, come to practice) get distracted, which is precisely what most people do when asked to do more than two things in a day. 

We'd be completely different in their situation, of course, provided we get our juice and crackers at 11:30. We're gonna have juice and crackers at 11:30, right? RIGHT MOM? [/yells up stairs from basement, gets no answer.] 

HATED IT LIKE FIRE: Most Big Ten fans hated this piece, especially because we're tradition-atheists by trade and don't particularly care when Ohio State/Michigan is played, but it's right in keeping with Jim Delany's thinking on the potential for having both teams playing for a bid to the Rose Bowl. If they can do it, they will, most especially because the traditional poles of the conference in the modern era for football have been Michigan and Ohio State, and will most likely remain that way. Argument: THIS WILL MAKE MONEY > Counterargument: THE PAST.

THE RED CARPET HAS NEVER BEEN SO GLAMOROUS (IN BIRMINGHAM). The premiere of "Nick Saban: GAMERAPER."* was last night in Birmingham, and the documentary about Alabama football under the Nicktator did draw quite a crowd despite the absence of the man himself. Terry Saban appeared in his stead, and spent her time in the VIP pouring champagne over the balcony, throwing hundred dollar bills in the air, and generally enjoying herself until a member of her entourage had beef with security, fired a gun in the air, and scattered the party into the street, thus ending the evening.

The women of Birmingham put on their ceremonial dresses for the occasion. BTW, if you go out in Birmingham, you will see women in dresses like it's 1982 and they're on a date sponsored by Love Connection. This is a real phenomenon, and as weird to see in person as you expect it to be. 

(*This may be a typo, or not.) 

WE CAN SUMMARIZE THIS FOR YOU. The short form of this article: S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  S-E-C!  Not that we mind, but that's the short sheet if you don't have time to read the whole thing. 

REPLAY AT YOUR OWN RISK. Phil Steele put on his normal bravura performance last night, and we stuttered less, thus sending EDSBS Live hurtling toward a pinnacle of almost -mediocrity for the 2010 season. Listen to replay hyah. 

JORDAN JEFFERSON, RISK TAKER HAHAHAHAHA. Gary Crowton says he's going to let Jordan Jefferson take more risks this season on the field. He's also going to let him take them off the field as well, so if you see a man on fire juggling knives while looking for unprotected sex on the streets of Baton Rouge and willfully walking under ladders, you'll know operation DANGERBACK is underway. (This being Baton Rouge, the odds of anyone looking askance at him for any of this is very, very minimal.) 

GET ME BEDNARIK I NEED TO BE TOLD HOW WEAK I AM. The sole purpose of doing profiles of two-way players is so that Chuck Bednarik may be summoned from his home to call all of you pussies on an annual basis. 

CHECKBLOCKED. ESPN will not allow Jenn Brown to pimp for Icehouse Beer, because it will encourage college students watching ESPN to drink and thus believe that attractive people consume Icehouse. Meanwhile, they're fine with Lee Corso stumping for Hooters, since it will only make you believe that a steady diet of free Hooters wings will give you a stroke, and um, nevermind that bit. 

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