"Do you know who I am? Really? Awww, shit."
The waning seconds of the Fulmer Cup season are ticking away, and the grappling between Minnesota and Georgia for the title seems to be the endgame we're looking at here. This is barring any real competition from East Carolina or Florida State, which after the respective lockdowns at both schools we seriously doubt will arise.
This leads to the issue of a tiebreaker of any sort that can be devised. In UGA's case, this will likely be the Damon Evans' DUI arrest, since a school's AD getting caught with strange underwear in his lap and an evening's worth of liquor in his bloodstream should count for something. The final ruling will be made on the Wednesday before the season begins, but that is the way the official Fulmer Cup oversight board is leaning.
In the meantime, Missouri does what it does in big games: falls behind early, and then scores points in garbage time, this time with a DUI for junior second-string middle linebacker Will Ebner. Ebner was arrested on suspicion of DWI, or as we like to call it "overly relaxed motoring," on Sunday morning at 1 a.m. Ebner is given the standard description in the police report:
Ebner’s eyes were bloodshot and glassy and his speech was incoherent, according to the arrest report...
For once we'd love to read a police report that differed from the standard. For instance, if we only had a Christopher Hitchens-style safety lurking out there:
Hitchens' eyes were bloodshot and glassy and his speech was eloquent, measured, and witty, replete with bon mots and witticisms that had the arresting officer in stitches. Officer was also reportedly awestruck at his grasp on many complex policy decisions, and at his ability to execute a perfect standing backflip on the boundary line of the road without stumbling. Beyond glassy eyes and an insistence on continuing to drink the bottle of cognac he had open in the cupholder, suspect seemed perfectly sober and drove well. Suspect failed breath test with a .32 BAC. When referred to the hospital for stomach pumping, replied "And waste all the fine Bordeaux swilling about in my belly? I think not, kind sir."
Suspect was then booked on suspicion of DWI.
Sadly, this is but a standard DWi for Ebner, whose combination of libation and transportation earn him and the Tigers another three points in the Fulmer Cup.