GLORIOUS FAN ART: CAN ONE REALLY STIFFARM AN ALLIGATOR?
by Spencer Hall on Aug 18, 2010 11:32 AM EDT
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The alligator belongs there, since he just blew past an immobile Buckeye right tackle, but questions remain. Can one really stiffarm an alligator in the mouth? If so, is it really a good idea? Is Terrelle Pryor really huge, or is that just a bonsai cactus? Is Pryor about to step into the Hoover Dam? If so, will Jim Tressel unleash his secret offense, the Bausermanbone, on the world at last, ending the charade that he likes have a dual-threat quarterback with talent who keeps him from punting and waiting for the other team to screw up? Is that a bipedal, two-legged elephant? If so, will you see this in your most nightmarish dreams tonight? When you do, will it be singing "Too Close" by NeXt? Will you then finally realize it is a song about boners, and then wake up with yet another unfulfillable sexual fetish? Is the white horse of death riding behind the cattle? Is this a Will Muschamp metaphor? Do you think of Will Muschamp as a white horse of death, or more of the Cantankerous Profanity Mule of Certain Mutilation? Do you hate money and being right? Are you going to call Ohio State losing to Illinois and bet the mortgage on it? Do you think Terrelle Pryor is too big here? Do you think Michigan should have been misspelled intentionally on the poster? Will this make Terrelle Pryor's ego unmanageably large? Will Jim Tressel be asked about this painting at his next press conference? Will his answer last six minutes and say nothing?
(Via SBNation and the Dispatch. Van Monroe's site is here. Don't try to buy the Thriller shoes, since we just did.)
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They'll lose to Miami.
Put your money on it now.
Red Cup Rebellion - Changing the Culture of Ole Miss Athletics
Take a picture, trick.
by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Aug 18, 2010 11:35 AM EDT reply actions
No, they won't
Miami is the new Florida State. Perpetually overrated in the preseason. And this year’s Ohio State is going to be really, really, good. Like if they run into an SEC team in the BCS title game, they will win good.
The SEC won't be as good this season.
Yeah, I said it.
You can’t be powerful forever.
Red Cup Rebellion - Changing the Culture of Ole Miss Athletics
Take a picture, trick.
by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Aug 18, 2010 3:22 PM EDT up reply actions
I don't think anyone can seriously dispute that
If an SEC team manages to compete for the title, it won’t be as strong as any of the SEC teams in the last 4 years (assuming the 07 LSU team is healthy…if we look at them as injury-rattled as they were during the regular season, maybe one SEC team from this year is as good).
The real question will be if the SEC regains the depth it had a few years ago. That rides on the shoulders of some really unpredictable teams: Auburn, Arkansas, Georgia, South Carolina, maybe LSU.
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
Already discounting the non-SEC BCSNC?
You sir, should quit school. There is a position waiting for you in Bristol, CT.
by Crabapple Buck on Aug 18, 2010 8:39 PM EDT up reply actions
Or Iowa, or Penn State
It’s coming. And no one outside of the Buckeye State will be stunned. One good game against an overrated Duck squad does not a juggernaut make. Remember Purdue? USC? Navy, for chrissakes?
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Aug 18, 2010 2:42 PM EDT up reply actions
"Navy, for chrissakes?"
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Brian Kelly says no Spicy Sea Nuggets.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Aug 18, 2010 2:43 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
tOSU beat five teams...
that won ten or more games last year. Four of those teams won their bowl games.
Has that ever been done before?
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
Probably not.
“Probably not.” is also the answer to the question “Will that prevent them from losing to Miami, or Wisconsin, or Penn State or Iowa?”
As Stuck in the Plains alluded to, the Buckeyes look like a classic candidate for the “overrated because of a great bowl performance” syndrome. As a Georgia fan who witnessed a shredding of Hawaii in the 2007 Sugar Bowl, the ensuing #1 ranking, and the 3 loss season that completed the disease’s progression, I recognize the symptoms. There’s no cure, but the symptoms can be treated with bourbon, applied orally.
Wisky is the only game that worries me...
Miami? Seriuosly?
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
I think Miami is pretty underrated
That had a pretty solid record (9-4) against a hellfest of a schedule last year. They lost a handful of medium-range draft picks across both sides, but should be better at every position group this year. Ohio State is still the clear favorite, but Miami looks to be a very good team in the fall. They won’t touch the BCS though with another brutal schedule (Ohio State, Pitt, USF, UNC/Va Tech/GA Tech, FSU, and Boston College).
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
Hellfest barely covers it...
130 teams out of 130 lose at LEAST one game in that slate.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Aug 19, 2010 2:58 AM EDT up reply actions
bro just say Wisc. because wisky is the gayer than a french scat orgy
"Your beard is weird" "Your stache is trash"
So you've been to Camp Randall.
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
Speaking of shredding
there was a rather interesting game, at home, in Black the next year, against an allegedly average conference foe. That barb aside, OSU gets just ripped at least once. The D keeps them in it, but Pryor gags away two in the regular season.
The other dirty secret to all this is that OSU doesn’t have a reliable, potent running game. Would I bet my season, in the Cripple Conference, on a great D? Hell yea. Would I bet it on TP having to consistently make plays against balanced squads in a tight game? BWAHAHAHAHAHAA.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Aug 19, 2010 3:01 AM EDT up reply actions
Wow...
There are certainly weaknesses that can be pointed out as far as tOSU.
The running game is not one of them.
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
Go back and look at the numbers from last year
flaky inconsistency.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Aug 19, 2010 1:34 PM EDT up reply actions
It's gonna be running back by committee...
But it’s hell of a committee…
Saine
Herron
Hall
Berry
Hyde
They will all see carries this year (not to mention Boren at FB). What’s going to be different this year is that tOSU will be throwing to the RBs a ton.
The production will be there.
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
They’ll get scared by Marshall but come back in the 4th quarter.
by softbatch on Aug 18, 2010 11:37 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Probably the most astute early season Buckeye comment evah
you get a rec. Not for snark, but for truf.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Aug 19, 2010 3:02 AM EDT up reply actions
Uhh...
Alabama. Wow. How does Keyshawn Johnson say it? Come on man!
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
From Wiki, clearly HGH started earlier than I thought....
Officially, following the 1930 game versus Ole Miss, Atlanta Journal sports writer Everett Strupper wrote:
“At the end of the quarter, the earth started to tremble, there was a distant rumble that continued to grow. Some excited fan in the stands bellowed, ‘Hold your horses, the elephants are coming,’ and out stamped this Alabama varsity. It was the first time that I had seen it and the size of the entire eleven nearly knocked me cold, men that I had seen play last year looking like they had nearly doubled in size.”
Sports writers continued to refer to Alabama as the “Red Elephants” afterwards, referring to their crimson jerseys.
That guy is from Cleveland...
I think he’s known for drawing on tennis shoes or some other nonsense.
Also, Terrelle should be bigger.
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
EDIT: just saw the links.
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
Uhhhhhh...
You want us to do your wife?
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
Sure humans can stiffarm an alligator
They just can’t stiffarm an Stingray.
"Dodger fans aren’t happy when foul balls get into their section, because it interferes with their playing with the beachball"- Mike Krukow
Excellent...
…Steve Irwin reference
by MichPlaced Gator on Aug 20, 2010 12:20 AM EDT up reply actions
Daniel Moore spastically vomits at the sight of this
then goes to easel to paint Saban and Gene Stallings eating a Chic-Fil-A sandwich with the ghost of Bryant…
I swear to Pat Dye's pants I will make Trudy Campbell my wife!
African
The ears are too big for an Indian Elephant.
Of course, what the painting doesn’t show is the Alligator getting a death grip on his arm while the elephant tramples him to death. And a tiger jumps in the picture just to maul him for fun. The longhorns, mean while, go the other direction, then hang a trophy on the wall anyway, with an asterisk.
by The Commenter Formerly Known as Not You on Aug 18, 2010 12:05 PM EDT up reply actions
No, no - the tiger shows up only when there's an unrecognizable pile of human pulp left on the desert floor.
"...when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to."
— Martin Luther
Hey, the Longhorns almost caught up to him
but that’s their back-up horse. If their starting horse was there, it would have been a totally different story Itellyouwhat.
The French haven't the nature for war. Their Gallic laziness combines with their Latinate voluptuousness with the result that they would rather eat and make love with their faces than fight.
That's actually...
…only a three-star horse recruit amongst all those blue ribbon cattle.
not drunk, just overserved
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Aug 18, 2010 12:47 PM EDT up reply actions
There were European "elephants" at one time
but they’ve been extinct for a long, long time.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on Aug 18, 2010 1:00 PM EDT up reply actions
Not at all
It could be carried by the tusks
But two European Elephants....
They could carry it together..
"It’s not Disneyland, people. Get the hell out of the way." NYC Firefighter
by jokastrength on Aug 18, 2010 2:29 PM EDT up reply actions
Depends
on their flight speed.
By the way, what’s your favorite color?
by An 'eer with a beer on Aug 18, 2010 2:40 PM EDT up reply actions
Blue (and Orange)
Do you know how fast their little hearts would have to beat?
by PalmettoTiger on Aug 18, 2010 3:07 PM EDT up reply actions
Of all the times to miss a thread...
The 0-9 doesn't kill me; it's the disparity in gameday fashion sense.
by roger_t_shrubber on Aug 18, 2010 3:37 PM EDT up reply actions
Cocaine must be a powerful drug
Tressel will say, “art is in the eye of the beholder, and so forth.”
I am anxious for the season to start. Confident yet cautious. Where was Lil red in that ‘art’?
by Crabapple Buck on Aug 18, 2010 11:59 AM EDT reply actions
Where was Lil Red? Where was the Purdue secondary? Where is Tommy?
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Looks like TP is going to lose 3 left fingers.
But does he need them?
by Infield Elephant on Aug 18, 2010 12:01 PM EDT reply actions
This is
one of the long lost final paintings of Salvador Dali
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
This thing belongs at the Museum of Bad Art
http://www.museumofbadart.org/
Sancto Tedford
by Anonymous IV at Mono Lake on Aug 18, 2010 12:41 PM EDT up reply actions
It's sad
I can’t distinguish some of that stuff from actual modern art.
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
Bad art lacks technique and skill.
Sancto Tedford
by Anonymous IV at Mono Lake on Aug 18, 2010 3:43 PM EDT up reply actions
I still can't distinguish between most of that stuff and modern art.
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
by cantcatchuf on Aug 18, 2010 4:03 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
So...
good modern artists MEAN to suck, bad ones do it unintentionally. That seems about right. cantcatchuf – rec’d
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
Poor Guy.
Totally forgot the Blue Turf and the Hokie.
by Board Certified Scrotologist on Aug 18, 2010 12:07 PM EDT reply actions
The white horse
running behind the Longhorns is the Boise State Bronco. Blue turf not required. I’m thinkg, therefore, that artist man is predicting a VT loss in Landover.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on Aug 18, 2010 12:13 PM EDT up reply actions
That actually makes sense.
How dare the artist acknowledge a non-BCS school as a possible challenger.
by Cardfanintherock on Aug 18, 2010 12:37 PM EDT up reply actions
Leprechauns are just too damn hard to draw
might as well put a horse in there
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Leprechauns are pretty easy to draw actually.
I once saw an artist’s rendition of one, it was awesome.
by Cardfanintherock on Aug 18, 2010 12:49 PM EDT up reply actions
"It’s not Disneyland, people. Get the hell out of the way." NYC Firefighter
by jokastrength on Aug 18, 2010 12:52 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
Didn’t this sketch show up on here a couple of weeks back?
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on Aug 18, 2010 1:02 PM EDT up reply actions
The Prichard Leprechaun
An apparent resident of north Mobile. Near Jamarcus Russell’s old stomping grounds. Not seen in several years. Coincedence? I say, not.
"Nice coat! Who shot the couch?"
by CoastalCowbell on Aug 18, 2010 3:38 PM EDT up reply actions
i wown da goawld!
thanks to denial, i'm immortal
by thetennesseethumper on Aug 18, 2010 9:59 PM EDT up reply actions
It might be a crackhead
Let's hang half a hundred on 'em and enjoy the second half.
by Uncle Earmuffs on Aug 20, 2010 1:00 PM EDT up reply actions
Gimme da' Gold!
(That sketch is from one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on the interwebbings.)
Let's hang half a hundred on 'em and enjoy the second half.
by Uncle Earmuffs on Aug 20, 2010 12:58 PM EDT up reply actions
Can we commission him
To do an end of season version for Ohio State?
I envision a horde of gophers gnawing on Pryor’s dessicated carcass as Jacory Harris fashions a pocket square out of Tressel’s tattered vest. The backdrop will still be the desert, but it will feature a victorious Tommy Tuberville pretending the Insight Bowl trophy is his dick.
Also, this will be a hologram.
by Run Home Jack on Aug 18, 2010 12:09 PM EDT reply actions 9 recs
Gophers?
Please don’t tell me you actually think Minnesota is going to beat a team with a pulse this year. Given their non-con schedule, 1-11 is a real possibility (they don’t play Indiana, play at Illinois, non-con includes USC, a Sun Belt team with a two-game winning streak against Maryland, and a semi-respectable Northern Illinois squad).
Most of the comments here
have been just as surreal as the artwork.
1000 cocktails to all!
by An 'eer with a beer on Aug 18, 2010 12:19 PM EDT reply actions
Is it really art...
…or a primitive form of Photoshop?
by Magnificent Bastard on Aug 18, 2010 12:49 PM EDT reply actions
The artist made a sincere attempt.
They even signed it. But it is bad art.
Sancto Tedford
by Anonymous IV at Mono Lake on Aug 18, 2010 3:46 PM EDT up reply actions
Don't...
most people only do these sorts of paintings AFTER their team wins a national title?
Talk about the cart before the horse.
Yeah, isn't that called
“Counting your chickens before they hatch”
by Riley Cooper's Mane on Aug 18, 2010 3:10 PM EDT up reply actions
Hopefully that's dusk in the desert.
I somehow doubt Ohio State’s ability to run shit during daylight hours in the desert.
Pig Pen this here's Rubber Duck, and I'm about to put the hammer down.
by JimHalpert on Aug 18, 2010 1:05 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Not cool man
That’s the sports equivalent of posting a video of your friend beating up a special needs kid.
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
You must be new around here.
That’s kind of devidee’s thing.
Brian Kelly says no Spicy Sea Nuggets.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Aug 18, 2010 2:07 PM EDT up reply actions
:they see me trollin...they hatin
It doesn’t matter how many football games the SEC wins. We will always look down on you.
Ridin Dirty
I can’t even think about that song without the fond memories of Dacoach O and his hummer. And, of course, this other classic from his stint as head coach…
All I think about...
is Ryan Mallett
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
Ohio State beating the SEC in a Bowl
has happened as many times as all the animals in that painting have been seen together in the Arizona Desert. So he’s got that going for him.
by Board Certified Scrotologist on Aug 18, 2010 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
Speacking of which
Has Ohio State ever won in Arizona? To my recollection… they haven’t.
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
Na
Just really dislike the Overrated State.
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
didn't they smoke
an equally slapdick ND team in the Fiesta bowl a few years back?
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Aug 18, 2010 2:45 PM EDT up reply actions
Actually, they have:
d. Notre Dame 34-20 in the 2006 Fiesta Bowl
d. Kansas State 35-28 in the 2004 Fiesta Bowl
d. Miami(FL) 31-24 in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl
d. Pitt 28-23 in the 1984 Fiesta
by An 'eer with a beer on Aug 18, 2010 2:46 PM EDT up reply actions
The amazing world around us shows us something new everyday.
Today’s amazing something is that it appears by this website that this guy makes a living as an artist.
Poor guy
He must be hungry.
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
Easily survivable
As long as they can hold out until the fourth quarter and the inevitable Spartan collapse.
PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
It's like a Capital One commercial run amok.
I’ll take four.
by MaconDawg on Aug 18, 2010 3:34 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Which of the following plays most resembles a hidden shepherd's trail
a. Statue of Liberty
b. Fumblerooski
c. Swinging gate
d. 20 lateral kick-off return
e. Hook and ladder
by Cardfanintherock on Aug 18, 2010 3:58 PM EDT up reply actions
Unless, of course,
it’s a monsoon.
/THE SAFETIES WERE ON DINGHIES!!
Brian Kelly says no Spicy Sea Nuggets.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Aug 18, 2010 2:36 PM EDT up reply actions
It never gets old
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Goin' on 5 years....
….and I still want to slap the shit outta him. Even my ex-wife doesn’t cause that emotion from me anymore
How soon until they go into their prevent defense?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Aug 18, 2010 2:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Hey now
At the most you can have on a roster is 105!
A horse is a horse of course of course his name is Mr. Ed; unless he's donkey then of course his name is Tim.
Heaven forbid you ever have to grab an Alligator...
But that’s not how you do it. take ’em from behind, push down on the snout, and get the lariat around it \i tight
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Rub their bellies?
What do we do if somehow Colt McCoy ends up on an NFL team starting against Vince Young?
Hang on tight and hope to God whoever's around you has one... or a belt...
or be prepared to lose an arm.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on Aug 18, 2010 4:20 PM EDT up reply actions
Losing a hand but taking out an eye.
That sounds familiar.
by Cardfanintherock on Aug 18, 2010 5:08 PM EDT up reply actions
you got it reversed
It’s usually the gator that does the eye gouging
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
I've heard....
…..that the muscles a gator uses to open it’s mouth are not very strong, so if you can bearhug the snout, you can probably keep its mouth closed long enough for it to drag you under water and drown you before it tears you to ribbons.
All this is according to my uncle, who is a shaved country bear of a man
if you hold its mouth closed (which you can do pretty easily) and flip it you can usually truss it up from that point. I gather the flipping part is the tricky bit.
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
there's an episode of Dual Survival
dude kills a gator on-screen using the exact method you described.
Well, he might’ve slit its throat with a knife afterward, but meh
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
Although you can't see it...
…there is a flat, dead, bengal tiger under the elephant’s front right “foot.”
Go tigers, etc.
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