THE LEGACY LIVES: This is only slightly relevant, but if you didn't think you needed a drunk remix of the Magnum, P.I. opening, you were ever so wrong.
Like the true father of our nation, Tom Selleck's mustache lives on, this time in its avatar as John Brantley's mustache. Brantley will be growing out the stache in honor of his father, John Brantley Sr., former Florida qb and current prostate cancer case. We're doing the same because we wanted to bring back the Talladega mustache for the fall, but it's a nice way to build up for Movember. Join the movement before the movement swallows you hole in a hairy glorious maw of stache-fringed sexiness.
The stache does nothing, btw, to dispel Brantley's overall image as a North Florida good ol' boy whose idea of a proper hood ornament is a freshly slaughtered out-of-season eight point buck.
HE COULD FOLLOW BRANTLEY'S LEAD AND GROW HIS OWN FACE-WINGS. Tate Forcier has been stripped of his flying privileges at Michigan, and will have to earn them back by watching Denard Robinson take his job. Alarm words for any player being recruited by your team: "family football academy," "recruiting consultant," or "Seantrel Henderson's father"
JOE PATERNO IS TOO CLOSE TO CREEPY GROSS OLDNESS TO COACH. You could read this entire article, or you could just take our summary of JoePa's current condition as estimated by a columnist who, like every other columnist in the past 15 years, is saying JoePa is too old to coach. From a long-term evolutionary perspective, JoePa is too old be be breathing and talking right now, but when the bastards hunted the sabretooth to extinction and took away the red-clawed editor of humanity we started getting soft and living past thirty. YOU CAVEMAN BASTARDS ARE TO BLAME.
TONY DUNGY, DUMBNESS SOLUTION CONSULTANT. Mike Locksley received help from Tony Dungy in getting through his first season. Dungy's best pieces of advice? "Win one game, punch your assistants, and then get a favorable profile written about yourself." Tony Dungy in this piece is played by Lane Kiffin, who leads Cosmo this week as their cover boy. Insights from that interview: "Lick your lips, arch your back when you walk, prepare [horrid recipe] for dinner, perform annoying delaying tactic during fellatio, and then ill-advisedly jam your finger into his butt to get him to marry you and capture him forever!" <-----EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ISSUE OF COSMO EVER WRITTEN WHAT WE READ IT ON THE TOILET JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU AND DO NOT LIE
EITHER ALABAMA HAS THE GREATEST OFFENSE IN THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL OR THEY MIGHT HAVE SOME DEFENSIVE ISSUES. Effortless reloading, engage! (It's a practice.) (Keep breathing.) (You'll be fine.) (Won't lose a game.)
BULLLLLLLSHIT. If this is a recruiting violation, then the NCAA's gone fully bureaucratic insane. Then again, you knew that already, since the logical side effect of actual enforcement is overenforcement, and will always be. Speaking of, the NCAA is still peeping into why South Carolina has three players living at the Whitney Hotel. One of them is moving out, but the danger of the NCAA declaring the free continental breakfast an illegal benefit looms large over the Gamecock football program! #ineligiblebybelgianwaffle
HELP A BROTHER OUT. College football watching in Hong Kong can't be hard, as conditions have improved immensely from our time as an Asian expat a decade ago. We had to "watch" games by hitting "refresh" on the score tracker, which led to us "finding out" that Tennessee had beaten Florida "in 1998" by a field goal, causing us to "drink six beers at ten a.m." and "pass out in a Taiwanese alley for 45 minutes." Help your fellow college football fan here.