THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/5/2010

THAT'S SOMETHING WE CALL ALL PARTICIPATE IN. College football. Shelly Fabares endorses it, and so should you. 

Endorsed in video fashion like a PSA for the North American Asparagus Appreciation: ahhh, that's quality early 90s video work there. Hayden Fry looks like he's about to close the deal with Fabares, too. Nary a lass could resist those dark glasses once they got their smoky love missile lock upon them. 

YEAH, YOU LOSE YOUR JOB WHEN THAT HAPPENS. Damon Evans is out as AD at UGA, and can quietly exit the building with the sad white box of office FAIL on this federal holiday after the sordid details of his DUI arrest had a weekend to marinate with the sentiments of the Bulldog faithful. Since the woman in the car turned out not only to not be Nikki Meyer, but also a panties-less woman not named Mrs. Evans, the public humiliation tolerance limit was judged to have been exceeded. Watch expert political communications scholar and UGA President Michael Adams come back to work next week as if nothing ever happened. <---DIABOLICAL MASTER OF MESSAGE MANIPULATION! 

WE HOPE HE STOLE THE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR OR SEXY MONOPOLY FROM THE ADULTS SECTION IN THE BACK AND NOT THE 'TAKE ME TO YOUR DEALER" POSTER WITH THE ALIEN SMOKING WEED ON IT BECAUSE THAT'S REALLY NOT VERY ORIGINAL. Mizzou safety Jarrell Harrison was arrested for misdemeanor theft from Spencer's Gifts this weekend, meaning one point in the Fulmer Cup and the asking of the difficult questions: did he steal something blacklight-related, like a poster of a wizard conjuring up a topless barbarian queen on a unicorn? Was he in need of a seventh Scarface-themed item for his room, like the Tony Montana action figure with functioning M-16-mounted grenade launcher? Did he require a pair of men's novelty bikini briefs, perhaps with an elephant face on the front with a truck for the penis to lace through? WE HAVE QUESTIONS AND THEY NEED ANSWERS. 

WHATEVER, FAKE COMMISSIONER. Tommy Tuberville was censured by the Big 12 for stating the obvious fact of the conference's impending implosion and internal instabilities. Tuberville is so obviously making a dismissive wanking motion the entire time this happens, but whatever, fake commissioner Beebe. (Flash to Big 12 offices, where Dan Beebe sits behind a desk with a piece of cardboard reading "COMMISHNER" written in black magic marker.) 

"I'M A CHEERLEADER FOR THE BRAIN." Rick Telander continues his awesome exploration of brain damage in football players, and it's not all doom, gloom, and rugby tackles to the horizon. If the woman in the article is a cheerleader for the brain, this means our dream of being a rogue booster for the university of our liver can be true, as well. 

TRANQUILITY AT LAST. Team Speed Kills cranks out a quality piece on the happy quiet period Auburn's settled back into historically speaking. Bobby Lowder heard that, and is plotting a way to upset this from his perch atop a pile of worthless BankSouth stock certificates in the middle of a dark, whiskey-soaked night.