THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/16/2010

OUR CHILLWAVE IS EVEN MORE CHILL THAN YOUR CHILL. Oh, it's Friday and July, so you're headed to nothing productive: a barbecue, a barbecue before a barbecue, the pool, a barbecue in a pool, or in the best case scenario a barbecue in a pool on a boat. So chill appropriately, courtesy of someones we swear have SEC connections explained after the jump. 

 

The song is "Feel It All Around," produced by Ernest Greene a.k.a. Washed Out, the most successful failed library science graduate the University of South Carolina ever produced and a native of Perry, Georgia. The video is by Chase Heavener, he of the Heavener family with their name on the Florida football complex. Heavener is directing the all-access Tebow documentary, as well, which will follow the Messiah-back all the way to his first game with the Broncos. In summary, the combination thereof ensures that even our chillwave in the SEC is more chillwave than yours could ever possibly be. 

/S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! 

12-18 AGAINST THE FBS AND OH HALLO NCAA. Jim Young is right: one shouldn't blame Butch Davis outright for the NCAA peeking into possible contact between agents and UNC, especially since this freewheeling gang of parasitic hoboes in suits and earbuds pops up wherever someone says "first round talent." We like to think of them as pikeys, but in some kind of luxury car on an overdue lease that falls just a degree or two shy of impressing someone properly. Oh wow, you're driving a slightly distressed 2003 Jaguar! I"LL SIGN GIMME GIMME. 

In case you're wondering if precedent isn't relevant here

The source said the NCAA's questions to players were intended to "make sure no Reggie Bush stuff is going on."

Pete Carroll has no idea what you're talking about, but the UNC administration seems to be going full submission belly display, cooperating with the NCAA' s requests for players phone numbers to monitor contact with possible agent-like-substances. Defensive Tackle Marvin Austin in particular is a focus of the investigation, especially regarding a recent trip to Miami and his relationship with current 49er Kentwan Balmer. (We took illicit trips to Miami in college and the NCAA never sniffed twice, but an English major 6.09 40 time and an overnight run for a brick of marijuana is outside the purview of the NCAA's powers. SAD FACE.) 

Hopefully the NCAA wasn't relying on any evidence in Michael McAdoo and Kevin Reddick's apartment, since it burned after a neighbor threw a lit blunt cigar into a garbage can andburned down a good chunk of the building they lived in last night. No donations, please: the NCAA is looking. (Then again: new benefits loophole! Athletes dorm burns down "accidentally," players get swag in form of new donations from boosters, and the university collects the insurance money. Cash money ideas from EDSBS, free for the taking.) 

(Hinton isn't sold on UNC in the Chik-FIl-A ACC Slaughter Classic, and neither are we, since LSU probably needs the game more in a self-preservation sense. The only real guarantee is a crime against good offensive football, since both offensive coordinators sit on their hands for an hour, fire up the XBox, and begin selecting plays with numb fingers randomly while hitting a tank of ether kept under their chairs. Or at least that's what we hope they're doing, because that would be the only excuse for either team's offensive anemia.) 

TIME TO CINCH IT UP (BECAUSE WE'RE BLEEDING.) Dan Hawkins says it's time to "cinch it up a little bit,"because as soon as they get some money Colorado's going to fire him, and it'll be canned peas and hamburger time for the kids until Dad gets a new gig. This will be Dan Hawkins' fifth year in Boulder, and aside from one freakish win over Oklahoma, the highlight of his tenure was his groundbreaking theoretical work on the difference between Big 12 football and intramural football. Generations will prosper from his work in this field, if not from his innovative attempt to introduce "Rocky Mountain Slows" to the overly tiring fast-paced offenses of the Big 12. 

YOU KNOW THIS INACCURATE...because it mentions that USC AD Mike Garrett was "embarrassed." Being impossible, the rest of this story must be dismissed as well. In other shocking news, Lane Kiffin is not as likable as Pete Carroll, and may not be good at his job. <----2009's Shocking Truthbombs On Sale In 2010. 

GAAAAHHHHHHHH. Former Tennessee wide receiver Josh Briscoe subscribes to the Mel Gibson Theory of Labor Exchange: ED+PR= MBJ (Emotional distress plus personal relationship= Mandator Blow Job.) Worse for Briscoe is that he allegedly tested this theory on a 15 year old boy he was coaching, and that's beyond all field protocols we've worked with in our research. 

LOOK AT ME. I'M ON A CART. Well done, BYU. That's not even Mormon-funny, it's just normal person who goes to a university where people drink like fish funny. 

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