YOU CALL THAT A REASON FOR RETIREMENT?
by Spencer Hall on Jul 14, 2010 3:31 PM EDT
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PrintBobby Johnson, you complete nancy. RETIRING? What? "To spend time with family?" That's why I left college football. "Family?" Please. If I wanted company i'd keep rabbits. They're cute, require very little care, and in the winter you can swing them against barn, pull their skin off, and have a grad assistant sell the fur to gypsies while another makes soup out of it. Sean Payton used to do it for me.
Now that's a man who can bully a gypsy.
My first question in interviews? "Do you know your son's name?" This is a test of commitment. If they say yes, the second is "Can you pick him out of a lineup?" This is a test of honesty. If the answer is yes, then I unveil a lineup of random children seized from bus stops, and ask them to pick out their son or daughter. If they pick one, I then have that child caged and shipped to Charlie Weis as food. You can't underestimate the importance of commitment and honesty in choosing coaches, or the ease of kidnapping children these days. Far too trusting.
You said "Some people will coach with one foot in the coffin." Damn right I will. I sleep in one, but strictly for practical purposes. Statistically I'm far more likely to die in my sleep, so sleeping in a coffin just makes sense to ensure my staff can wheel me out, appoint a successor, and then continue on without me. This is the NFL: we make plans for these kind of things, unlike you willy-nilly libertines just scheduling press conferences whenever you want and un-retiring once someone gives you a good night's sleep, a blow job, and some Prilosec OTC.
You should have done what I did: drop your family off at a gas station, tell them to go inside and get beverages, and then peel out and never return a phone call ever again.
You clearly don't hate football and life enough to succeed, and good riddance to you.
Sincerely,
Tom Coughlin
P.S. I cut seven injured veterans in the course of this email. What have YOU done today?
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Prilosec OTC...
Didn’t work for Meyer…
by Board Certified Scrotologist on Jul 14, 2010 3:42 PM EDT reply actions
More to the point:
Blowing a robot cannot be easy. You have to think that one of the few upsides to the coming Robocalypse is that they won’t have carnal desires for us to satisfy. Nope, just toiling in the sugar caves.
… We hope.
"I've made a huge little mistake." - G.O.B.
Coughlin is confused by this "retiring" thing.
Voodoo Five - South Florida Bulls SBN Blog
The Toughest Blog in America
From the Department of Coaches Who Get Progressively Redder Throughout the Game:
Brian Kelly says no Spicy Sea Nuggets.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jul 14, 2010 3:50 PM EDT up reply actions
When this guy actually gives a shit about the game
He turns pretty red too…problem is, I think he’s only cared about the outcome of 4 games, tops 5.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Jul 14, 2010 4:50 PM EDT up reply actions
Rabbits
Don’t be fooled: they shit everywhere, eat holes in your stuff, taste like babies, want to kill you more than kittens
by Infield Elephant on Jul 14, 2010 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
Kiffin Senior + Retirement Dept:
How in the world does Lane K. keep his old man working and working and working?
Lane must have pictures of his old man with some flapper* and has threatened to take them public.
- For those of you in the sticks—>Awabama, Louisiana,etc…——“flapper” is word used to describe wild chicks in the 1920’s.
Montgomery, Alabama
the “sticks” obviously, dialed up Zelda Fitzgerald from the great beyond, and she told me to pass along the message that we, indeed, know what the hell a “flapper” is/was.
If that confuses you, perhaps you should exercise that fancy west coast ejumahcashun and use the googles on her.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Jul 14, 2010 4:55 PM EDT up reply actions 4 recs
23 skiddoo!
To distrust Saban is to love him!
It's too late for Coughlin
An Equal Opportunity Offender
by LSUfreek on Jul 14, 2010 5:31 PM EDT reply actions 9 recs
I wouldn't wish that on Vandy
Only one team in Tennessee is that desparate.
And, only one private school is that stupid.
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Jul 14, 2010 6:52 PM EDT up reply actions
Jst haad strok
Yuu o me mdical expns.
Y basrd.
"Well, if that ain't a show, I'll kiss your ass." - Gov. Jim Folsom Sr. (D-AL), 1948-52
by VandyImport on Jul 14, 2010 7:52 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
Outstanding work, as always
See also: How to make half of Nashville shit themselves simultaneously.
Hallucinogenic love drugs, sir. The pagans were taking them. We were trying to fit in.
Warning: rant
Just to vent my undying frustration at NCAA Football 11. If you haven’t bought the game yet, don’t. It’s utterly unplayable and frustrating at the hardest difficulty levels. You’d think the programmers would’ve had a conversation about some of the many glaring bugs and programming fails, and, you know, fixed them.
Instead, their conversation obviously went something like this:
Programmer 1: Hey, you know how all the interceptions are obviously predetermined at soon as the player throws the ball?
Programmer 2: You mean when you try to throw to a receiver, but instead the quarterback tractor-beams the ball directly into the hands of a safety 15 yards left of the intended receiver?
Programmer 1: Yeah, that. Don’t you think we should fix it? I mean, that couldn’t possibly happen in real life.
Programmer 2: Nah. We’ll just release a product so bad we have to patch it the day after it comes out.
Programmer 1: Too bad you need to pay $50 for an Xbox Live membership to get that patch.
Programmer 2: Yeah, sucks for them. And the patch doesn’t even cover any of the fundamental flaws in the game. But I gotta get back to work. Time to make the menu scrolling so insensitive that it’s physically impossible to select a play in time for the defense.
Programmer 1: Nice. I need to get back to plastering Reese’s and Coke Zero logos all over the presentation while including the same Erin Andrews cutshot in every scene.
Programmer 2: Don’t forget to add the feature where instant replays prevent you from being able to run a no-huddle offense. Having a monopoly is great! See ya.
Programmer 1: God we suck at life and should kill ourselves. Bye.
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
Neil O'Donnel has no idea what you're talking about
Programmer 1: Hey, you know how all the interceptions are obviously predetermined at soon as the player throws the ball?
Programmer 2: You mean when you try to throw to a receiver, but instead the quarterback tractor-beams the ball directly into the hands of a safety 15 yards left of the intended receiver?
I will go to my grave maintaining the fix was on in this one…
"Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak" Marcus Tullius Cicero
by Stuck in the Plains on Jul 14, 2010 6:54 PM EDT up reply actions
Man, I always thought that too
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jul 14, 2010 7:55 PM EDT up reply actions
Saw the replay of this one the other night on NFL network
I remember vividly thinking when it actually happened, “Kevin Green and Levon Kirkland are going to literally kill him on the sidelines”.
by Atlantadomer on Jul 15, 2010 11:59 AM EDT up reply actions
Flautabritches must get his.
Brian Kelly says no Spicy Sea Nuggets.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jul 14, 2010 8:41 PM EDT up reply actions
Well here's your problem:
Programmer 1: Hey, you know how all the interceptions are obviously predetermined at soon as the player throws the ball?
Programmer 2: You mean when you try to throw to a receiver, but instead the quarterback tractor-beams the ball directly into the hands of a safety 15 yards left of the intended receiver?
Dude, you need to get it out of Jevan Snead mode.
Yes, I live in Starkville...WHO did I piss off in a past life?
by Queen Hoka-Hotty-Toddy on Jul 14, 2010 11:52 PM EDT up reply actions
At least he didnt Cry like this tool
"When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
(Max McGee - American Football Commentator)
"a good night's sleep, a blow job, and some Prilosec OTC"
that’s a prescription that will make anyone jump up and get their ass to work the next day.
Which is why I'm still sitting at home.
Only got two out of three.
"...when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to."
— Martin Luther
Oh, please.
Tom Coughlin understasnds.
When he needs a break, he just starts making crappier-than-normal coaching decisions while become even more cantankerous than normal. Eventually his team quits on him and he gets “fired”. That’s what happened in Jacksonville, and he’s already started the disengagement process in New York.
I don’t think that’s just for pro coaches, either. I’m fairly well convinced Mark Mangino did roughly the same thing when he realized he was about to be coach-for-life at Kansas.
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