THE SQUAT RACK OF DESIRE IS WET, HOT, AND OH SO AMERICAN

Every great literary institution has that dashingly handsome lunatic uncle who gets dressed up and trotted out for fancy parties. Rick Muscles is ours, and The Squat Rack of Desire is his biweekly guide to life, love, and Mack Brown's secret religion. Enjoy.

I'm all in yall's motherfucking cubicle right now!

I was just listening to Comedy Death Ray Radio, someone came down with the Lucy Liu Flu, then they had Valet Parkinson's and finally Parallel Parkinson's.

ABC to Detroit- fuck your city, we're making a show called Detroit 187.

I don't want anybody to die, but a bros icing bro or wipe out related death would be life changing.

 ^ Les Miles has a HUGE crush on UCLA's softball coach.

If you sit court side at Laker games and stand up to yell at referees, I assume you have no redeeming qualities.

If you do a Zaxby's commercial you are no longer considered a celebrity.

In the "Old Guys" commercials during the NBA playoffs, David Spade looks like a WNBA Player in his Suns jersey.

Scholarly reader @tbailey asks," I've been watching a lot of Two And A Half Men Men. What's your preferred method of suicide." Being chocked to death by a passionate Charlie Sheen.

My goal for 2010 is to convince ABC to make me, "The Weird Bachelor".

I heard the main reason Texas wants to go to the Pac10 is because Mac Brown is secretly a Scientologist.

The biggest casualty of Big Ten expansion is the death of the Big 10 is smug meme.

I'm starting to wonder if ESPN is behind all the expansion, they're like the Bilderberg group or the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

if I wrote a novel about the Pac10's unrequited love for Texas, it would end with the Pac10 starting the band Fall Out Boy.

Jack Ramsey, Jerry Punch and Dr Watson must have sucked at healing people.

Things I didn't know about hip hop: having a hipster dj manning a Mac book pro is gangster.

I'm going to get a full size portrait tattoo of Holly Rowe's face on my stomach.

My list of topics of conversation with older Birmingham strippers:
Desserts at California Pizza Kitchen
Cigarette Taxes
Guys we know who really like the song, "I used to love her but I had to kill her" by Guns and Roses
The Oak Mountain Drug Bust at the '03 Panic Run.
How old were you when Nine Inch Nails, "Downward Spiral Came Out"
The 1995 Grateful Dead Show at the BJCC

Bold statement: Attention LeBron James: Prepare to have the same career as Ken Griffey, Jr.

Taylor Dayne break!

Improv Everywhere are the New Mimes.

I wonder if Bill Walton has a giant plastic surgeon.

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! ZAC BRAFF'S PENIS TO BUY RICK MUSCLES EDSBS POST FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS!

The FX Channel is thinking man's Spike Network.

At the Kentucky Derby 3 years ago, I met Kid Rock ( I was really drunk) and I called him Mr. Rock.

Attention Water Birds of the Gulf Coast: Prepare for me to clean the oil off you with my washboard abs. My abs are already tan, so no prob.

It's too bad I can't squat away the oil. It's pretty much the only thing me squatting can't fix.

I heard BP has a bye before their game against Alabama.

Seriously, we gotta fuck up England on 6/12/2010 for this oil disaster.

Fuck you, David Simon. Why isn't Treme more like Bad Lieutenant 2?

Planning on writing a novel about a wild horse, whose spirit can't be broken.

I bet porn gang bang lines have some seriously chill bros.

I'm pretty sure Yunel Escobar's high top fade is not ironic.

This new movie I'm working on, Dick Joke High School, is practically writing itself.

 My new invention is a fry daddy attached to the front of a kayak. I call it the Fryak.

Sure I like Frank Zappa, but let's not kid ourselves he wasn't very funny.

When "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest", I mainly wanna see if Blomvquist has a three way with his partner at millenium.

If you're in a pinch and need to nickname your penis, I'd go with Chris Noth.

RIck Muscles can be worshipped from afar here, and is available for children's parties.