FLORIDA HAS REAL LIFE TUESDAYS, FANTASY WEDNESDAYS

It would be so much better if they'd called it this.

We've discarded with the notion of organized theme days as a nation, correct? Places that have these kind of days tend to be monocultural, uniform, and organized, which is why Scandinavian villages sometimes all trot out kegs of beer, tankards of vodka, and begin engaging in ridiculous athletic contests like wife-carrying and Kurd-tossing on long sunny summer days without anyone asking a single question about why anyone would do this. 

Therefore we expect no spread of Urban Meyer's "Real Life Tuesdays" into the greater whole of society. Not only are we not organized enough to adopt it en masse, it still is officially second in line to Nick Saban's Blood Orgy Thursdays on the list. (All participants are willing and donate their bodies and souls to the University of Alabama voluntarily.) 

From an interview with 1070 The Fan, the innovatively named sports talk station located in Indianapolis.*

Nowadays, a college degree won’t even guarantee you a job. So now we’ve taken it to the next level and we call the ‘Real Life Tuesdays’. We’re teaching them how to interview, we’re teaching them the whole process of life after football, and it’s not just get your degree, get your degree, because that’s not going to guarantee you a job.

We'll beat you to it: NOT IF THEY HAD AN AMAZING DEGREE FROM A BIG TEN UNIVERSITY, Urban. Why, we showed our acceptance letter to Northwestern to a chap at the bank just for conversation, and by the end of the chat he had me with my feet on the company exec lounge Ottoman, smoking a Cohiba while helping him reap millions in the FCOJ commodity market while receiving trapezius massages from Malaysian women wearing bikinis made of banana leaves and naughty thoughts, SO ESTEEMED IS MY DEGREE AND PATH TO SUCCESS!  

(Then we walked out of there in a new pair of Gravity Defyer Shoes, and was beheld as a gentleman of class and distinction by all who beheld us! )

It would be much better for our purposes if it were "from G's to Gents," but whatever, Urbz. As long as it includes the tasks we've found essential in adulthood we endorse it. These include: 

 

  • Political Discussions: "Yes, Everything You're Enraged About Is Fascinating." 
  • Networking: What Bot-People Call "Drinking" 
  • Cheap Protein, Or How Canned Tuna Can Keep You From Smelling Like Malnutrition. 
  • Where The Resume Ends: Drinking and Career Advancement For The Contemporary Adult. 
  • Drinking Old Cups of Cold Coffee Left On The Table: When It Can Kill You, And When It Can Make Your Stronger
  • Guest Speaker Mark Brunell: "Whatever I did, don't fucking do that shit ever." 
  • Check Kiting: A Pasttime For All Seasons
  • A Dog, Or The Roomba That Maims Intruders When They Try To Take Your Shit

 

Fantasy Wednesday is still way better on the Florida campus, by the way, except when John Brantley insists on wearing that Edward Scissorhands outfit and staying in character all day. It's hell on the footballs, especially on shotgun snaps. 

*Indianapolis is also home to a wide number of local eateries that have coincidentally popped up in other places in nearly identical form. Biters and haters, all of you, non-Indianapolisites. 

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