AND THE LOSER HAS A SIX HUNDRED POUND TIRE FALL ON THEM. The summer heralds the arrival of the conditioning season, when the strength coaches reign on college campuses and have young men test their mettle by doing things that make them vomit in intense heat and stifling humidity.
Things that make TOTAL sense like this:
"What we're trying to do is recondition the central nervous system to deal with fast-twitch reaction times combined with an overload strength training scenario and a competitive one-on-one drill. We're also trying to see what happens when a six hundred pound tire falls on someone. That's really the whole point of this, because if you can survive a six hundred pound tire falling on you, you can survive the fourth quarter of a football game."
HE WILL PUT A DEEP SAFETY ALONG THE HASHES AND ON SELECTED THIRD DOWNS BLITZ THE CRAP OUT OF THAT LEAK. Nick Saban visited the shores of Alabama to survey the damage for himself, since he is on a one man campaign to become the de facto governor of the state without ever having to stand for election. (And if statues are evidence, is succeeding in his campaign.) Saban would be the one coach we would dispatch to the scene of a natural disaster like this, since he ostensibly knows about plugging leaks in defenses, though the "Let's fire a 370 pound defensive tackle into the hole" idea sounds a lot like the "Junk Shot" concept already on the FAIL list for BP.
PAY UP, SIRS. Ad prices for college football are up 9% across the board for television spots, and sit at about 80% sold for the year for ESPN, NBC, and CBS. This means we best get to steppin' if we want our EDSBS ad--us shirtless and throttling a Shake Weight while screaming "EDSBS DOT COM EDSBS DOT COM" for thirty seconds straight--to make the fall lineup of ads. NOTE: May be rejected for sheer eroticism.
GOOD SEATS AVAILABLE FOR MEDIOCRE FORMERLY PROMINENT FOOTBALL TEAM. 1,000 of 'em, to be specific, all located on a scenic bend in the Tennessee River. Boat Parking available, ice cream sandwiches in press box, and good sight lines available for viewings of Derek Dooley's spectacular coiffure. Football will be, um..."played?"
NOTHING WITH WALDORF AND STATLER CAN EVER BE BAD. Including this, of course.
BECAUSE WHEN ENUMERATING THINGS ON THE INTERNET IT IS THREE, FIVE, OR NOTHING. Kyle King has exactly five teams he believes will not be as good as advertised this fall, since on the internet we only list things in threes or fives, and at six the attention span goes over the edge of the world like a ship in a pre-Columbian fairy tale. We agree on some, but Oklahoma should be vastly improved over last year's transitional larval Sooners' team, and will feature a quarterback with a mustache, thus earning our seal of approval instantly.