THE DAN BEEBE PYRAMID SCHEME EXPLAINED

Big 12 HQ Conference Room. Dan Beebe addresses his staff. 

Staffer one: Did they buy it? 

Dan Beebe: I don't like to think of it in those terms, Steve. What we're trying to do here is display value by reorienting our capital bases, improving revenue flow, and making more manifest the steady annual value of the Big 12 as an entity advertisers can trust, institutions can depend on, and the student-athlete can thrive in during their careers in one of our fine member institutions. 

Staffer two: So they bought it? 

Beebe pauses. 

Beebe: THEY BOUGHT IT! 

DANCE PARTY COMMENCES.

Beebe: Okay, okay, let's calm down. There's a lot of work to do here. 

Staffer three: Dan, we just pulled it off with nothing. Like, zero, Dan. We made up a contract on the spot that doesn't exist. 

Staffer one: I didn't think they'd actually buy a number that random. Eighteen years? Shit, that...I'm sorry. I almost blew it there. 

Beebe: That's fine. Seemed realistic enough for their purposes. We have to get on the phones, gentlemen, though. And we have to start selling this like your mothers are about to be fed to a shark that only eats hundred dollar bills. 

Staffer two: And mothers. I mean, my mother's not made of money. 

Staffer one: Yeah, that analogy doesn't make much sense unless we're talking about a shark that eats money as its primary food, but will settle for a mother in a pinch. 

Staffer three: Right, and really sharks are scavengers, so this whole--

Beebe: ENOUGH. 

Staffer one: It's like he's never seen Shark Week--

Beebe: GENTLEMEN. I need you to get on those phones. We need to start selling shares of the Big 12 as soon as we can, and I'm going to tell you how to do it. 

Beebe throws a thick binder of names and phone numbers on the table. 

Beebe: Those, gentlemen, are gold. They are your leads. 

Staffer one: This is a list of retirees in the Texas area. 

Beebe: That's where we're starting, gentlemen. You're going to get on those phones and work. And work. And work your ass off. Your friends are shit. Your parents hate you, fine. See how they feel when you're paying off their Lexus. 

Staffer three: Boiler Room. 

Beebe: No, I'm just talking and you need to listen. You don't like it? You earn shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal. 

Staffer two: Glengarry Glen Ross. If you go Wall Street here I'm just going to say it: you have the DVD collection of a total douchebag. 

Beebe: PLEASE. Listen, I'm just telling you: go out there and sell. Offer shares of the Big 12 and promise 30 percent growth over ten years, because we can and will deliver that kind of value, gentlemen. I promise you that. 

Staffer one: And where is the money coming from? 

Beebe: It's coming from investment. 

Staffer two: Investment in what? 

Beebe: Value. 

Staffer three: And the value comes from...

Beebe: The collected power of our investments! 

The staffers pause and look at each other. 

Staffer one: That...that is kind of brilliant. 

Staffer two: Utter bullshit, but man, just keep saying it. It's like a bear trap designed to catch moron-feet. 

Beebe: Well, it was good enough for Lew Perkins. 

Staffer one: Lew Perkins! 

THEY ALL LAUGH FOR THREE MINUTES. 

Staffer two: And we get immunity when we turn on you, you know that, right? 

Beebe points to a map of Venezuela, a nation without a reciprocal extradition treaty with the U.S.A., hanging on the wall. 

Beebe: I have no idea what you're talking about. 

THEY ALL LAUGH FOR THREE MINUTES. 

Beebe: So get on it, boys! There's benzedrine in the desk drawers and adult diapers in the bathroom. Let's make some magic. 

Staffers one, two, and three: LET'S GO

Dan Beebe walks into his office and gets on the phone. It rings. It is answered. 

Texas: Is Operation Boiler Room set? 

Beebe: Yes. We're underway. 

Texas: Excellent. We're agreed on my fifty percent cut, right? 

Beebe: You said I'd get sixty-five percent! 

Texas: I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. 

Beebe: Star Wars, you douchebag. 

Texas: No, I just said that. Came out really natural for some reason. Felt good, actually. 

Beebe: Fine.  

Beebe hangs up the phone. Hook 'em turns to Missy. 

Texas: Sugar, how would you feel about a tennis bracelet for lunch? 

Missy: Oh, baby you are the best! 

Texas: Oh, I know. Believe me. I know.