(admittedly, I’m a ‘Cuse fan, so it’s a bizarre world where basketball is more important than football and lacrosse actually matters, but still)…
I originally posted this as a comment, but there were some typos I wanted to clean up.
Picture all the teams involved huddled in smoke-filled rooms...
Stanford: We’ve run the numbers on this, and this sixteen-team thing we’ve been talking about isn’t going to work. And we’re really smart, so you have to trust on this.
Cal: And this is the only time we’re going to agree with that tree on anything.
USC: The point is, Texas, that you can’t bring your loser friends with you if you want to join the Pac 10. We like Colorado (okay, Oregon assures us they have good weed), and we think we’d be okay with you, and in any case you have lots of money and fans and TV viewers. But rest of you… not so much. Besides, it wouldn’t be as much fun while we’re on probation anyway. If you can’t ditch them, we’re taking Utah.
Texas goes back to a meeting of the remaining Big 12 members.
Texas: Guys, we can still keep this band together, right? Find a few new suckers, let me keep all the money, it’s working for everybody except Nebraska and Colorado, and they left?
Baylor: Works for me. And God.
Texas Tech: Sure. Though those Mountain West types do have some crazy football. Might be fun, except the money would suck.
Oklahoma: Only if we can keep some of the money.
Oklahoma State: We’re fine with T. Boone Pickens’ money and you guys on the schedule.
Texas A&M: Only if I can’t find anything better to do. I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while, but I just don’t like you much, Texas. Sorry.
Iowa State: Well, maybe.
(Missouri drags Iowa State over to a table that remainder of the Big 12 North is huddled around)
Kansas: Shut up, Cyclone, we had a plan.
Missouri: That’s right.
Kansas State: I’m not sure about this plan of yours, Jayhawk. Seems overly concerned orange round things.
Missouri: Do you want to keep letting Texas push us around?
Kansas: Besides, Nebraska was our best rival, and they’re already gone.
Iowa State: Okay, guys. But if this doesn’t work out… well, nothing. I can’t really threaten anyone.
Kansas: Actually, we’re leaving too.
Texas A&M: Where to? Can we come?
Kansas: , and I don’t think so. They say the sixteen-team thing sucked for basketball, so they’re not going to try it for football. It’ll just be us. And Memphis if the Big Ten takes Rutgers.
Missouri: And our lawyers say we get to keep the Big 12 name, so the Big East basketball schools can stay the Big East.
Texas: The Big East? Seriously? What do they know about football?
Oklahoma: Mountaineer shot me once. Hurt like the dickens.
Kansas: Who cares? We’re frigging Kansas. Syracuse, Louisville, UConn, doesn’t that just sound like great basketball?
Kansas State: Actually, West Virginia sounds more like great basketball to me. They’ve got our old coach, anyway.
Exeunt Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State, Missouri.
Texas: What do we do now? The government won’t let me leave unless I find a non-sucky place for you guys.
Texas A&M: We’ve been having conversations with the SEC.
Texas: So you’re going to the SEC?
Texas A&M: Nope, they were only interested if we could bring you with us. They don’t want Tech or Baylor either.
Oklahoma: So what’s the plan, then?
Oklahoma State: Heck if I know. T. Boone can't buy an entire conference for us.
Texas: I guess we try and put something together starting with the six of us.
Texas calls the MWC offices.
TCU: You didn’t want us in 1994, and now you want us? When we almost have a BCS conference again? Especially if your precious Big 12 blows up? Bite me, Texas.
BYU: I hate to see such language out of a Christian, TCU, but you're right.
Texas calls the CUSA offices
Houston: You realize there are high schools with better facilities than us?
SMU: And we haven’t been very good since getting the death penalty.
Rice: And we were never very good.
Texas: Yeah, I understand, but it’ll be just like the old days in the SWC. Except with the Oklahoma guys in the conference this time. And you have to admit CUSA sucks.
Houston: Granted. Okay, you’ve got a deal. The Southwest Conference lives again.
Pan to a dark room, where a former Syracuse AD garbed in black robes is sitting.
Jake Crumenthal: Everything is occurring as I have foreseen.