BIG TEN EXPANSION WELL WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LOOK AT THAT

Right now, we are all message boarders when it comes to conference expansion. The unit of "all" includes ESPN, whose rumor board is now citing "influential message boarders" when it comes to picking out clear rumors about expansion. Take note of it: for one special moment, Joe Schad, Wildcat9384eva, the New York Times, and you all occupy the same tier of information, and the only definite news besides Colorado's move to the Pac-10 is Boise's official move to the Mountain West. 

Nevertheless, let's try to sort through this together, people. it's time to--

[THUNDERCLAP]

Crazy Old Testament God: HELLO ORSON HOW ARE YOU TODAY DON'T ANSWER I ACTUALLY DON'T CARE. COWER BEFORE OLD TESTAMENT GOD. 

Orson: Define cower. 

COTG: MORE THAN THAT PISSPOOR EFFORT. 

Orson: /cowers properly

COTG: GOOD FORM. REMINDED ME OF A FRIGHTENED CHILD IN A TORNADO I SAW LAST WEEK. 

Orson: Did you let him go? 

COTG: HAHAHAHA DOES LANE KIFFIN COMMIT THE SIN OF ONAN IN A MIRROR? 

Orson: Yes, and yes then. When are you going to smite him, btw?

COTG: JUNE 10TH, 2010, 7 A.M. WESTERN DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME, MORTAL. 

Orson: Done and done, then. 

COTG: I HAVE SOME PROSTATE CANCER WAITING JUST IN CASE BUT FRANKLY HE NEEDS NO HELP FROM ME. SAY DO YOU HAVE A WET/DRY VAC I CAN USE? 

Orson: No, I don't. 

COTG: /smiteystare

Orson: Sorry. Those things are huge, and my house is blogger-tiny.

Orson: /shrugs

COTG: /sighs 

COTG: DIONYSUS MADE A HORRENDOUS MESS UP HERE LAST NIGHT. YOU MIGHT THINK HE'D STICK TO WINE BUT WHEN THE TEQUILA CAME OUT THINGS KIND OF GOT OUT OF HAND. 

Orson: I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often. 

COTG: HE VOMITED ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE FOURTH MORMON SUB-HEAVEN MAY TAKE YEARS TO CLEAN UP. 

Orson:  They are busy little bees aren't they? 

COTG: WE WON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT WHAT HE TALKED THEM INTO DOING WITH THEIR BODY HOLES AFTER HE GOT THEM DRUNK. THEY ARE DILIGENT IN EVERYTHING THEY DO AND ARE LIKELY QUITE SORE IN A VERY PERSONAL WAY TODAY. 

Orson: Don't you have a challenge for me? 

COTG: WOULD SMALL TALK BE MORE TOLERABLE IF YOU WERE COVERED IN BOILS? 

Orson: [pauses] Depends, really. 

COTG: [covers Orson in boils] 

Orson: In this case, no. No this does not make it more pleasant. 

COTG: I WANT YOU TO DIVINE WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH COLLEGE FOOTBALL EXPANSION SO I MAY DISCUSS THIS WITH MY OFFICE MATES. 

Orson: I...I don't know. Wait, aren't you supposed to know? 

COTG: YES AHAHAHA AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO YOU WILL GET THIS WRONG BECAUSE I WILL SIMPLY CHANGE IT AND THEN SMITE YOU ANYWAY. 

Orson: I'm sensing a pattern here. 

COTG: NO SHIT SHERLOCK PERHAPS NEXT YOU WILL FIGURE OUT SOMETHING LIKE HOW I HATE THE ENTIRE STATE OF LOUISIANA, BAYLOR FOOTBALL, AND KOALAS. 

Orson: You've been trying to kill all three off for years. 

COTG: MY ADDERALL SOURCE IS SKETCHY AND SOMETIMES RUNS DRY FOR MONTHS. I BLAME THIS FOR MY DIVIDED ATTENTION AND INABILITY TO COMPLETE LAW SCHOOL. SATAN DID IT SO EASILY. 

Orson: You'd think that would be like an automatic for you. 

COTG: WELL, MY SKETCHY SOURCE IS THE REASON I'M TRYING TO BUM A WET/DRY VAC OFF A RAINN WILSON CLONE HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? 

Orson: Very well. These...these burn. Could you do something about them? 

COTG: CALL ME PURDUE BECAUSE IM MAKING BOILS. [doubles number of boils]

Orson: Good christ, that smarts. 

COTG: HE HEARD THAT BUT HE FORGIVES YOU. NEVER LIKED HIS STYLE. 

Orson: They're the "Boilermakers," by the way. 

COTG: AH. PERHAPS THAT'S WHY MY CURSES HAVE ONLY BEEN HALF-EFFECTIVE AGAINST THEM. OH WELL LIVING IN WEST LAFAYETTE INDIANA WILL HAVE TO BE ENOUGH. THERE'S A LOT ON MY PLATE. 

Orson: So...I think the Pac-16 plan is a go, but with Baylor going in place of A&M, who joins the SEC along with Virginia Tech, forcing a renegotiation of the SEC's TV deal since in principle they won't be the same entity that made the initial arrangement. The lawyers will be nice-y nice-y about it, I'm sure. 

COTG: THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT GENGHIS KHAN, PIKES AND BABIES. 

Orson: That worked out well for Genghis, at least. 

COTG: HE'S GOT A SWEET SPREAD IN HELL. 

Orson: Flatscreens? 

COTG: PLASMA. PLUSH COUCHES. MORE ASS THAN A TENNESSEE MULE DRIVE, TOO. 

Orson: I think the Big Ten misses on any hopes of ND, and will until NBC totally runs out of money. 

COTG: THAT'S IN 2016 BTW. PRO TIP FROM YOURS TRULY BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE THEM PURCHASE THE RIGHTS TO THE LAST LAW AND ORDER FRANCHISES IN DEVELOPMENT. 

Orson: Wait, those are really successful, right? 

COTG: YES BUT I DOUBT "LAW AND HOARDERS" WILL DO WELL ESPECIALLY AFTER SAM WATERSTON IS KILLED BY A FALLING STACK OF FULL ADULT DIAPERS IN THE FIRST EPISODE. 

Orson: Right. Well, then the ACC loses a team, and then guts the Big East, and the Mountain West moves up in the ranks while the Big East continues its decline into zombiehood. 

COTG: THIS IS SOUNDING SURPRISINGLY LIKELY. DOES THE PAC-16 FORM ITS OWN TV NETWORK? 

Orson: Here's where I think I differ: i think if the money's right, Fox is sitting right there waiting to give the Pac-16 its own local media rights for each team while giving them the big guaranteed money too. Like the SEC's deal, but bigger. I think that's what Texas would demand, since their local deal would be huge, and they don't want to give that up. 

COTG: UMM...LET ME CHECK ON THAT. HEY! YEAH, YOU! ARE YOU GOING TO BID FOR THE RIGHTS TO THE NEW PAC-16'S TV RIGHTS. 

SATAN/FOX: Man, you hear everything!

COTG: I HAVE UNLIMITED MINUTES ON MY PLAN AND USE THEM BRAH. 

SATAN/FOX: Damn right we are. 

COTG: THANKS MAN. YOUR PECS LOOK HUGE. YOU BEEN WORKING OUT? 

SATAN/FOX: Just clean living, baby! 

COTG: LOL KEEP IT UP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING AND SAY HELLO TO LISA AND THE KIDS FOR ME. 

[They fist bump with hand explosion.]

Orson: I'd always suspected as much. 

COTG: YOUR SCENARIO IS SPECIOUS AND HALF-CORRECT, MORTAL. 

Orson: Well, we'll see, won't we. 

COTG: WELL MAYBE NOT "WE," EXACTLY. 

Orson: Is this the part where you blind me? 

COTG: NO I HAVEN'T BEEN INTO THAT SINCE THE 1700s. PEOPLE GOT ALONG TOO WELL AFTER A WHILE ESPECIALLY ONCE I RAN OUT OF WOLVES BEARS AND OTHER FUN THINGS TO THROW AT THEM. 

Orson: Passe, then? 

COTG: GOT TOUGHER, TOO. TRIED TO KILL STEVIE WONDER SIX DIFFERENT WAYS NOW AND HE JUST KEEPS GOING. 

Orson: Innervisions really is a great album, though. 

COTG: TALKING BOOK IS MY PREFERRED JAM FROM HIS CLASSIC PERIOD. FINAL CHALLENGE FOR YOU, MORTAL! NAME THE FINEST TRACK OFF OF THAT CLASSIC ALBUM! 

Orson: Um, "Sunshine of My Life?" 

COTG: INCORRECT THE ANSWER IS "SUPERSTITION." 

Orson: Because you shouldn't believe in things you don't understand? 

COTG: NO BECAUSE YOU SHOULD ORSON. BECAUSE YOU SHOULD. 

Orson: Like what? 

COTG: I "S-MIGHT" TELL YOU. 

Orson: Just get it over with. 

COTG: IT'S A S-MIGHTY GOOD QUESTION HAHAHAHA GET IT? 

Orson: Kill me. This is worse than death. 

COTG: YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE SUPERHERO IS? 

Orson: S-mighty Mouse? 

COTG: YOU'RE NO FUN BUT I WILL SING ANYWAY TO SATISFY MY CRAVING FOR HORRIBLE PUNS. 

Orson: I can't stop you. 

COTG: IN THAT SENSE I AM LIKE JIM DELANY. ALSO, NEITHER OF US WEARS UNDERWEAR.

Orson: I had him figured for a briefs man. White. Ironed. With his name in them. 

COTG: INCORRECT. HE IS FREE AS THE BREEZE AND BETWEEN US HANGS TO MID-THIGH WHEN LIMP. 

Orson: And now I'm begging you for it. 

COTG: LUCKY YOU THEN HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAAAAAYYYYY! SMITE-Y MOUSE IS ON HIS WAAYYYYYYYY

[Smites boil-covered Orson] 

FIN