Planning, Discipline and Research

These, as one Mr. Hall has stated, are your watchwords if you are to ascend to the lofty and rarefied heights of the truly functional drunkard. It is even important to maximize productivity when 80% of your brainpower is dedicated to foo'baw and foo'baw-related activities. Welfare only buys well-drinks, you know.

Just as modern cosmologists like Saul Perlmutter stand on the shoulders of giants like Einstein, I present this treatise so you may stand on my prone form as you reach for the top shelf.


The important thing to remember, as the tired trope goes, is you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. I like to pre-make a batch of bloody marys and set them in the fridge so I don't have to put forth any effort in the a.m. The prospect of doing work at whatever ghastly hour you rise can dissuade you, and thus break you from your goal of drinking all day. Here in Ye Olde New England it is often difficult or impossible to buy booze on Sundays so you have to make sure you stock up [and refrain from drinking it all on] Saturday if you want to drink all day on the Sabbath. That last point is where Planning meets Discipline.

Condensation running down the sides of your icy glass of bloody in the morning seems like it needs food accompaniment, if only from a purely aesthetic standpoint. Your experience may vary, but whatever sop you choose, it must be purchased beforehand. The reason for this is so you don't have to leave your den of iniquity. If you are driven from your home by hunger, you will have to face the low-thinking masses who may frown on drinking at 10a.m. on a Sunday and deny you your pre-meal apertif.

It is important that these people go to hell.

Nature understands this, and it's better to be out of the area when the smiting actually occurs. You don't know when this might be, so it's best to stay home. You're out of pre-made bloodys by now, and home is where the beer is anyway. Now you're firmly en route to a day spent sailing to blackout island. I can only show you the path, you must stumble along it yourself.

Research: Flippant

Some research is really only useful for dazzling the proletariat until they are too distracted to notice you have stolen their drink. For example: do you know why we call it "booze"? Here's why: E.G. Booz had distinctive bottles in the shape of cabins made for his Old Cabin Whiskey starting in 1860.



[Side note: take the bourbon trail tour. Do it. Seriously.]

Research: Life-Saving

"In blinding pain" is not one of the definitions of "functional," and time spent cursing the world for your cruel existence is not productive time. I've done the research, and nearly everything having to do with striding our besotted path well comes down to just one word: congeners.

"Congener" has Latin roots meaning "born with." These chemicals gestate with the alcohol during fermentation or are added later. They give color, smell and taste to the spirit. They also add misery and pain to your mornings, and crush your spirit.

Natural order emerges from the cruelty of pure indifference. The scales must be balanced. So bourbon, naturally, is absolutely loaded with congeners. It's the things we love that hurt us the most.

Which brings us to tequila.

Oh, cheap tequila: the feisty angel who takes our innocence to her amble bosom, and them vomits on it. We loved you before we knew what love was, but now we see you for the scabrous whore you are, so we drink Cabo. 

Tequilas are like hotels, and beginner tequilas are the equivalent of spring break hotels you stay at when you're 18. They are the generic "Beachside Inn" on the Redneck Riviera with a thick, brown ring around the tub, and the improperly grounded light switch/emergency defibrillator. With age comes wisdom and, hopefully, a paycheck - so accommodations improve. Nicer hotels, like nicer tequila, leave one more likely to wake up refreshed instead of repelled, and also less likely to wake up with body lice. Again, your experience may vary. The lesson here is to pay more before in order to pay less later.

Thankfully, this does not need to be the case with whiskey. A $100 bottle of Woodford Reserve Masters Collection will still feel like eight hours spent in a cement mixer the next day. If you're looking for a solution, it can be found in Irish whiskey like Jameson, or Bushmills if you're a traitorous protestant.

Most Irish whiskey is triple filtered, minimizing exposure to the nano-demons with pitchforks we call congeners. Whiskey fix can therefore be achieved without the subsequent lust for death's warm embrace and mysterious sick days which reflect so poorly on that performance evaluation.

Go ahead and buy that Old Fitzgerald 1849, but save it for when hangovers of the skull-crushing variety are appropriate: football season.

Parting shots:

- DO NOT MIX. Simply drinking whatever some idiot orders for the next round because they saw it in a commercial on Spike! is the mark of a fool. Just pick one kind of booze per night and stick with it. Shots with a bunch of crap in them count as mixing. Let your coworkers order Screamin' Pink Specials at O'Doulihanski's corporate night, and then tell the bartender to make yours a Jameson. You will be amazed at the results.

- No Jaeger. Ever. That crap is literally black with congener-coloration and should be left to fake-tanned juicers with backne, people who go to bike week, and other mudskippers fresh from the primordial ooze.

- No sugary or artificial flavoring. You know who flavored vodkas are for? People afraid of alcohol flavor in their alcoholic drinks. They grow up, attain a position of power, and cut your school's athletic program. They, and their drinks, are to be detested.

- No ibuprofen and no acetaminophen. Taken it he presence of alcohol, they are like putting bullets into your liver. The point is to keep drinking at a robust pace as a lifestyle: crystallizing your liver shortens both life and style. Bloody Marys actually help in the mornings after because they're loaded with vitamins and the booze helps you come down slower. It's only delaying the inevitable, but it's a pleasant delay.

- Drink good beer. Unfiltered or semi-unfiltered beer actually contains a lot of B vitamins, and you can talk yourself into believing this makes it healthy.

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