Welcome to the Digital Viking: The EDSBS Guide to Spicy Living. Published every Friday, the Digital Viking embraces zesty living with a six-part review of the essentials:
--A patron saint invoked for inspiration
Diligent study of the Digital Viking's recommendations will increase spiritual happiness and liver circumference. Apply weekly and live daily for best results, and soon you too will have ladies and huge stuffed killer bears in your foyer. (Photo via the newly-indispensable Bad Postcards.)
Holly: The Peter Lalich-Tail, which has nothing at all to do with rabbits and everything to do with the year's most entertaining Fulmer Cup entry to date (non-moped division). The Lalich-Tail consists of any canned American beer consumed with a floater of lakewater while drunk and clinging perilously to the prow of a speeding watercraft. Throw in a Shasta chaser if you really want to get fancy, and bonus points awarded for finishing one riding double on a jetski with your best bro. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to anybro pulling this off while getting thrown off two I-A football teams in the process.
Orson: For Memorial Day, choose Real Navy Grog for all your lash and sodomy-themed pleasures aboard vessels of all size and manner this weekend. There are as many variants of grog as there are vessels on the sea, but the best warm weather variant we could find accomplished the twin goals of the beverage neatly:
a.) Vitamin C consumption to prevent scurvy
b.) Getting hammered to tolerate long sea voyages and boost "morale"
1/2 oz light rum
1/2 oz regular old rum
1/2 oz dark rum
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
1 oz grapefruit juice
1 oz orange juice
1 oz pineapple juice
Pour into anything, because it's grog, and used to be consumed in hollowed out enemy skulls. Correction, now that we think about it: consume using only enemy skulls. If enemy skulls cannot be found or used, hell, just pour that shit into a red solo cup. It's Memorial Day weekend. They'll be all over the place anyway.
Holly: The Newark Double, which is a real thing that people eat:
Much more than just another New Jersey sandwich overstuffed with fried food, this bad boy features two deep fried, custom made Karl Ehmer hot dogs, cornmeal-dusted fried onion and red pepper and French fries double fried in beef tallow (beef fat) all inside pizza bread from nearby Napoli Bakery. The dogs are spicy and flecked with visible Chile flakes.
Fair warning: We may attempt to construct one of these this weekend at the EDSBS staff barbecue, alongside the maiden voyage of my recipe for Beer-Battered Cheese Grit Cakes (no foolin') (yes, we're writing a cookbook to pass the time this offseason). Stay tuned. (HT: Fesser.)
Holly: Consider this weekend your training camp for homemade fireworks 4th of July mayhem. Do your research. Don't be this guy at your barbecue:
Cause I'm a redneck woman
And I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raisin'
And I say "hey y'all" and "Yee Haw"
And I when I set a car on fire
I do it on remote video
And then catch myself on fire in the process
This isn't even rhyming but watch, I totally set myself on fire and run around like a jackass who is yes, on fire.
|Women sets herself on fire in attack on car|
That's how we won the cold war: one ornate set of mobile wet bar accessories at a time, my fellow countrymen. (Via Jalopnik via Matt.)
Holly: If you want to go from Vancouver to Honolulu, Travelocity says United will take you there for $321, but where's the adventure in that? Particularly when you could be getting mad exercise along the way pedaling this:
Yes, crazy Canuck bastard Greg Kolodziejzyk is attempting to pedal the above watercraft from the Canadian coast to Hawaii starting next month. The trip will take 40-80 days -- kind of a large window there, but whatever -- and will take Kolodziejzyk through "a treacherous stretch of open water known as the Graveyard of the Pacific, which is renown [sic] for its wild seas, unpredictable storms, and dangerous waves." OK, that sounds a little foreboding, but not all that much worse than suffering United's inevitable delays and having only 20 minutes to race through LAX to make your connecting flight. Plus this guy's gonna have calves like fucking telephone poles by the time he hits the beach at Waikiki, and you can't put a price on that.
Holly: Harold Motherfucking Faltermeyer, composer of such cultural touchstones as Axel F, the Fletch theme, and today's soundtrack: The Top Gun Anthem, which begat this video. Sweet wounded Jesus, the video:
If you're going to boat drunkenly past your neighbors pointing and nodding in time to a synthy slo-jam, this be the beat. Really, the whole soundtrack is an American treasure. (We have heard tell of the entire album being played in full before at least one Auburn game a few years back; positive confirmation of this would be grand.) Is anyone here getting married? Because it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world to plan a wedding ceremony around this.
Orson: Stalag 17. Honor our fighting men and women who had to spend some time as guests of the enemy with a Billy Wilder thriller with feisty pacing and a tongue planted firmly in cheek at all times. For sheer masculinity you've got a clearly blasted William Holden squaring off against an unknown mole in his POW camp and Otto Preminger as his Nazi counterpart, and for intrigue there's the stage play plot relying on a lot of clever sleight-of-hand to pull the audience along with suspense alone.
The humor of the movie, though, is a fantastic kickstart change from the usual maudlin war movie, since most of the film is spent in the bunkhouse with the American POWs as they stave off boredom with mouse races, pranks on their German commander (Hogan's Heroes ripped off this film shamelessly,) and pointless but entertaining dialogue.
For the smartasses of the world, watching Stalag 17 is a pleasant reminder that you, too, have a part to play in the great wars of our time.
Happy Memorial Day weekend, and as always, thank you to those who serve in any form or uniform. Daps, one handed bro-hugs, and ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to each and everyone of you.