THE TEXAS NETWORK: SUDDENLY SOUNDING GOOD
by Spencer Hall on May 18, 2010 11:48 AM EDT
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PrintPlease say that if Texas starts its own sports network, the following elements will all be included:
LIFTIN' STUFF WITH JEFF MADDEN. Just this picture on the screen for thirty minutes while Ministry's "N.W.O" plays:
You'll lift something out of fear. Pure, spine-tingling fear. After you've power cleaned your coffee table for thirty straight minutes, you'll be shocked at the muscle definition and explosive fast-twitch power you'll have acquired.
MACK BROWN SELLS SHIT. Of all the coaches currently working in NCAA D-1 football, no one would simply dominate a home shopping show like Mack Brown. Selling Texas-related gear would be simple. Instead, have Mack Brown sell items pulled from his garage at random. Better still: have him sell items pulled from Ricky Williams' garage at random. You didn't know you needed five books on ayurveda bundled with an old Dreamcast, but when he flashed that smile and said he'd throw in one disc of Shenmue for free, you grabbed for the phone without even asking why...
THE RICKY WILLIAMS MOVIE SHOW OR NOT WHATEVER. This show really could happen, and it would be spectacular. Ricky, a couch, and MST3K grade movies. And while we don't want to insinuate anything, there might be some medicinal improvements that accompany the show okay you'll be high as fuck when watching it.
BEVO ON THE TOWN. Just take Bevo out on a leash in public places and see what he eats. Again: you'd watch it for way longer than you think.
POM SQUAD HOUSE: The highest rated show, and for all the wrong reasons.
COLT 'N JORDAN: Were you actually to broadcast this show about the two roommates splitting an apartment located in Columbus so they could continue to be roommates despite playing in Cincy and Cleveland--a scenario we just made up--it would garner high ratings until people tired of watching them play catch with a Nerf football in their apartment, an activity we estimate makes up 85% of their leisure schedule. The other 15% would be fruitless, sad fishing in the Olentangy.
ENDLESS RERUNS OF THE FOLLOWING: Dallas, Walker, Texas Ranger, King of the Hill, Friday Night Lights, Beavis and Butthead, and Austin City Limits.
AUSTIN IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN [INSERT YOUR TOWN HERE]: Hosted by local hipster mainstay Wilton Burden, AISMBTIYTH will feature Wilton going to your town, finding the good things there, and then complaining about how much better this thing in Austin is while bitching about how much he has to pay for Shiner Bock in a bottle while sporting some kind of "ironic nod to Waylon Jennings" beard and complaining about how much your music scene sucks no matter where you live.
We started this as parody, but now that we've started, this...this has legs, dammit.
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AISMBTIYTH. . .
If it wasn’t for the lack of boom mic’s and cameras, I could have sworn that my friends have been guest hosting that show for years
Is it weird i want to f*** Hooper?
Not as weird as i want to f*** New Fat Mike
Hoho he gonna get it
All right, all right...
It’d be a lot cooler if you did!
by HawkeyeRecon on May 18, 2010 1:57 PM EDT up reply actions
Vince Young’s Party Bus – sponsored by Patron
Earl Campbell Cooks Sausage While Standing There Looking Awesome – way better than Iron Chef
Silver Spurs/Texas Cowboys Challenge – like Real World/Road Rules, except frattier- and with boots!
Horns. Sox. Bruins. Bourbon.
I'll bet
you could do a crossover of Mack Brown ripping pieces off EC’s tearaway shirt and selling them on MBSS…
"...when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to."
— Martin Luther
For all the wrong reasons?
Oh-ho-ho, I beg to differ, sir. The justification for “Pom Squad House” would be oh so very right. No offense to Elmore Leonard or Timothy Olyphant, but if “Pom Squad House” went on Tuesdays at 10, “Justified” would just have to get knocked down to TiVo second string.
Brent Musburger
is already setting his TiVo to record every episode of Colt ’N Jordan.
Brian Kelly says no hat ceremonies.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on May 18, 2010 12:14 PM EDT reply actions
Texas Up All Night?
Various tired old cheerleaders bouncing between commercial breaks and horrible movies?
as a person who'd probably be living in the show
I can only feel conflicted that my dad took a promotion and moved us to FL.
The majority of my family still resides in either: Seymour, Olney, Wichita Falls, or somewhere between the triangle they form.
My uncle used to live a block from NEON Deion Sanders’ house with the necessary gold and silver gates that, of course, had PRIME TIME built into them. Good times, good times.
by Boozy McHound on May 18, 2010 12:37 PM EDT up reply actions
Yessir. Except we like to spell it Holliday.
And his son lives in (my personal favorite) the town of Megargle.
by Boozy McHound on May 18, 2010 4:48 PM EDT up reply actions
The best use of the "Liftin' Stuff" workout?
The improved ability to quickly and vigorously punch AISMBT__ guy in the face.
first thing that popped into mind...
when reading “The Ricky Williams Movie Show” was more of an Elvira – Mistress of the Dark type of show…but with Ricky ….sorry, I need to go throw up a little bit.
by five point stance on May 18, 2010 1:46 PM EDT up reply actions
Don't Forget
Sports Brahs starring Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong
"...when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to."
— Martin Luther
Don't forget the weekend programming...
MACK THE PRESS: Mack Brown sits across from three sportswriters and does his best to wheedle his way into (bowl game, title picture, pom squad girl’s chaps, etc). Voiceovers by Dan Rather.
DOCTORIN’ ‘N STUFF, STARRING DR. RED DUKE. In this week’s episode, Dr. Red Duke contemplates how he’s never been on Mustache Wednesday while trying to determine whether the asterisk on the claimed 2008 Big XII title is malignant.
YOU WON’T EAT THAT: A culinary tour of the Texas State Fair, complete with annual introduction of latest “Fried (OH DEAR GOD HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE ACH MY ARTERIES I’M COMING TO JOIN YOU ELIZABETH)” food product.
"Well, if that ain't a show, I'll kiss your ass." - Gov. Jim Folsom Sr. (D-AL), 1948-52
BEVO ON THE TOWN
Sounds like an upgraded version of closeups of animals shot with a wide angle lens with hats!
Oh yeah?
In his neverending quest of petty and vain one-upsmanship promoting the Big Ten’s interests, Delaney will see your Jeff Madden and raise you one Dan Jiggets of Chicago’s own CSN.
Brian Kelly says no hat ceremonies.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on May 18, 2010 1:16 PM EDT reply actions
They should hire Joe Kines for a special consulting position, i.e. just put him in front of a camera and let him start talking.
This really has nothing to do with Texas, but
I would pay many Krugerrands to watch a poltical debate show with hosts Joe Kines and Ed Orgeron. Today’s topic: A Keynesian Approach to the Inside Trout.
Brian Kelly says no hat ceremonies.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on May 18, 2010 1:38 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
Is that the approach where they start with a demonstrably false assumption (e.g., that the trout can breathe air just fine), but continue onward despite the trout’s violent thrashing and subsequent death?
by Synaesthesia on May 18, 2010 3:36 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Hiyo!
Gotta love the econ humor.
Brian Kelly says no hat ceremonies.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on May 18, 2010 3:54 PM EDT up reply actions
Infomercials by Will Muschamp...
BUY THIS NOW MUTHAFUCKA!!!
by five point stance on May 18, 2010 1:49 PM EDT reply actions
Texas Food Hour
Featuring various belligerent overweight Texans traveling across the globe explaining to various chefs and waiters that their type of food is invariably better in Texas.
France: “Now listen here, ‘Gar-Son,’ the foie gras pate is better in Texas because we smother it in BBQ sauce. And this wine? I can get better wine at the CVS!”
China: “Lemme tell ya’ll something ‘Chimmy Chang Chong’, I’ve had better beef and noodles in brown sauce from Dwight’s Chinese Food Emporium/Auto Sales in Pflugerville.”
by Potlucksports on May 18, 2010 2:00 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Real Texas BBQ doesn't need sauce.
/end Kreuz’s plug
...or forks.
“Here’s your plastic knife, junior. Don’t hurt yourself.”
by DisplacedTideFan on May 18, 2010 4:14 PM EDT up reply actions
The "Guitars and Boobies" Morning Show
would be a great way to start your day
We are THE tigersthatsaywareagle
And for late-night viewing
I’m looking forward to Late Night with Major Applewhite. Only problem is that it will be guest-hosted by Chris Simms half the time.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on May 18, 2010 2:16 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Guest hosted by Simms for the first half
Then rescued by “The Major” in the 2nd half
"When a guy takes off his coat, he's not going to fight. When a guy takes off his wristwatch, watch out!"
- Al McGuire
www.anonymouseagle.com
by Warrior Brad on May 18, 2010 2:55 PM EDT up reply actions
I'm already calling DirecTV
to sign up for the Texas Network as part of my service
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I love Austin
But the regular street performances of AISMBTIYTH are beyond irritating and make me not want to ever go there again (I always come back because it is a lot of fun). Oh yeah, and your local bands are overrated. Dallas had Pantera. We win.
Fake Pundit. Real Fan.
http://www.andthevalleyshook.com
Texas Pom Squad
Encouraging chubs since 1883… 
BOOOOOOOOM MF!
by TNHorn on May 18, 2010 2:46 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs
Picture's a little grainy on my monitor...
but are those callouses on that girl’s elbow? Ride hard, boys!
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on May 19, 2010 8:50 AM EDT up reply actions
The first show needs to be "Who Wants to be a Running Back?"
4+ months since Stick-Boy McCoy got maimed, and I’m still in shock that, with 10,000 high schools in Tejas, they can’t find a power RB? WTH????
defying gravity:
3 hour loop of the final 5 seconds of the big 12 championship game
by alex henery's foot on May 18, 2010 2:58 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
I want to go to there
ENDLESS RERUNS OF THE FOLLOWING: Dallas, Walker, Texas Ranger, King of the Hill, Friday Night Lights, Beavis and Butthead, and Austin City Limits.
I would never turn off the television. It would be on non-stop for fear that if I turned it off it would stop working.
Maize n Brew
Because Football is Better with Beer
by Maize n Brew Dave on May 18, 2010 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
Don't make Jeff Madden angry
You won’t like Jeff Madden when he’s angry.
"Tiger Stadium is by far the worst place to play for a visiting team. It's like being inside a drum." - Paul "Bear" Bryant
I wouldn't say Austin is "better"...
But , seriously, six damn dollars for a Shiner? Oh yeah, and barbecue means brisket, not shredded pork covered in vinegar or whatever that stuff is they do in Tennessee. Also why can’t I get a decent margarita anywhere else?
I would totally watch this show.
"Only the strong survive, but the strong still get their ass whipped." -Nick Saban
Barbeque is not brisket
em’s fihtin words.
by GwinnettGamecock on May 19, 2010 2:53 AM EDT up reply actions
Wouldn't "brisket" be "brisket"?..
and if the closest one came to it was Tennessee, that explains why they are unfamiliar with true q.
BBQ is made from pigs
or chickens, depending on how much beer you want to be able to comfortably consume with it. The sauce is where the regional differences come into play.
We are THE tigersthatsaywareagle
Real barbecue
Doesn’t need sauce. And is made from cows.
"Only the strong survive, but the strong still get their ass whipped." -Nick Saban
by TexaninNYC on May 19, 2010 6:58 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Poorly phrased on my part.
I meant to insult both Memphis and Carolina “barbecues”. There should be a comma after “vinegar” for the true effect.
"Only the strong survive, but the strong still get their ass whipped." -Nick Saban
IDEA
What if they cut up every recorded thing Walter Cronkite ever did, then create the ultimate soundboard, and used it to give a truly neutral reading of the news each night?
I’m guessing it would be the highest-rated cable news show within 2 weeks.
You can never have too much talent.
by KennyGregoryRockThaCradle on May 19, 2010 1:22 AM EDT reply actions
If they did that,
I would just sit around dreaming up scenarios that could lead to conflict between East Timor and Bosnia Herzegovina.
by GwinnettGamecock on May 19, 2010 2:56 AM EDT up reply actions
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