THE BIG EAST SPRING CONFERENCE CALL

The Big East holds its annual springconference call. A single, starfish-shaped conference phone sits on a table in the rented office space holding its headquarters. 

VOICE: Your free conference call has begun. 

[DING]

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DULCIMER MUSIC

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/flips tire

Charlie. Strong.

[DING]

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Doug Marrone, Syracuse and Holiday Road Cruises.

[DING]

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/Camaro

Yo. We gettin' started? 

[DING]

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

John Marinatto, Big East. 

Silence. 

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Where's the commish? 

/buys second Camaro

/tries to make them mate and have Camaro babies

/doesn't understand that cars aren't alive

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DULCIMER MUSIC, SOUND OF WHITTLING

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

That's me, Dave. I thought we'd get started and wait for the others to show. We've got lots of exciting--

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We'd like to offer you a five day, two night package to Aruba. Now, I know you're asking how much it's gonna cost, and that's what's so freakin' great about this: $125 a night per person. That's right! Just--

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Seriously? Damn, that's cheap. Keep talking. My pants are on, but that belt's loosening. 

/trades in Camaro he just bought for identical Camaro

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

I'm sorry, but i have to ask if you're on another call of any sort, you should hang up as we have a lot to discuss this afternoon, gentlemen. 

[DING!]

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Hey guys. Randy Edsall, UConn. 

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We have a Canadian team? 

/benches HVAC unit

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Never heard of you or your pansy ass Canuck team, pal. 

/builds house made of Camaros

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We're in Connecticut. 

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SOUND OF WHITTLING

Hoo-wee! Lacrosse team! 

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We play football. I'm the football coach. 

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

Well, best of luck to you in your first year. As I was saying, we have--

SOUND OF BEYONCE PLAYING

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All my single ladies! /high voice

All my single ladies! /low voice

All my single ladies! /high voice

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Did you know that for just an additional $55 dollars you can debark in Port-au-Prince? Beautiful Port-Au-Prince...

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

Coach Marrone, what are you doing? 

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Just a little side thing I got going here with selling cruises. Easiest money I ever made. Gotta have something to fall back on, right? I can hear everything you're saying, so no worries. Yes, you too, ma'am.We take Visa. I'm listening to everyone here. 

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That's right! Get paid and get laid! 

/puts "pussy magnet" license plate on Camaro

[DING]

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This is the automated call participant designated for "UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI." The replacement for the replacement for the replacement of Brian Kelly has since resigned. All comments are being recorded until a replacement has been hired. 

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

Okay, now that we're just waiting on Schiano and Holtz, let's get to work. There's--

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/drops 340 pound clean and jerk. 

Sorry. There's a hole in the floor now. 

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Plant a seed in your basement, my daddy used to say, and you'll have a tree up your ass in no time. 

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That something you want happening there? 

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/whittles

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/buy third camaro 

/attempts camaro menage a trois

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

I'd first like to say that the state of our conference is challenged, but not weak. 

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Whew, that's a load off this old mule, I was afraid--

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Hey, we're going to 16 teams. Want a new musket? 

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/skedaddles

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

Hey! We have counter-offers! And a theoretical tv contract! 

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You can count on me. I'm going nowhere. 

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/flashes tits 

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/drops barbell

/joins SEC

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Losers! 

/checks out chick in tight jeans while revving Camaro at light 

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WE'VE GOT CHROME FOR YOUR DICKROCKET STACHE-DADDY. 

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/peels out in Camaro, leaves four Camaros behind. 

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

Hey! Seriously, this is--

[DING]

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Rutgers here. We miss anything? 

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

So great to see you, jeez, it's been a crazy--

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ROTEL AND DOLLARS! DANCE SCHIAN-HO!

/tosses dollars

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/drops it like it's hot

/gets wasted like a white boy

/joins Big Ten

Q_a_with_big_east_commissioner_john_marinatto_medium

/hangs self

Pause

Pause

Pause

[DING]

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Skip Holtz, USF. So happy to be starting my first season in the Big East. I miss anything? 

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Not on these great cruise deals, my friend. Not on these great cruise deals. 

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