THE BIG EAST SPRING CONFERENCE CALL
by Spencer Hall on Apr 6, 2010 3:38 PM EDT
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PrintThe Big East holds its annual springconference call. A single, starfish-shaped conference phone sits on a table in the rented office space holding its headquarters.
VOICE: Your free conference call has begun.
[DING]
DULCIMER MUSIC
/flips tire
Charlie. Strong.
[DING]
Doug Marrone, Syracuse and Holiday Road Cruises.
[DING]
/Camaro
Yo. We gettin' started?
[DING]
John Marinatto, Big East.
Silence.
Where's the commish?
/buys second Camaro
/tries to make them mate and have Camaro babies
/doesn't understand that cars aren't alive
DULCIMER MUSIC, SOUND OF WHITTLING
That's me, Dave. I thought we'd get started and wait for the others to show. We've got lots of exciting--
We'd like to offer you a five day, two night package to Aruba. Now, I know you're asking how much it's gonna cost, and that's what's so freakin' great about this: $125 a night per person. That's right! Just--
Seriously? Damn, that's cheap. Keep talking. My pants are on, but that belt's loosening.
/trades in Camaro he just bought for identical Camaro
I'm sorry, but i have to ask if you're on another call of any sort, you should hang up as we have a lot to discuss this afternoon, gentlemen.
[DING!]
Hey guys. Randy Edsall, UConn.
We have a Canadian team?
/benches HVAC unit
Never heard of you or your pansy ass Canuck team, pal.
/builds house made of Camaros
We're in Connecticut.
SOUND OF WHITTLING
Hoo-wee! Lacrosse team!
We play football. I'm the football coach.
Well, best of luck to you in your first year. As I was saying, we have--
SOUND OF BEYONCE PLAYING
All my single ladies! /high voice
All my single ladies! /low voice
All my single ladies! /high voice
Did you know that for just an additional $55 dollars you can debark in Port-au-Prince? Beautiful Port-Au-Prince...
Coach Marrone, what are you doing?
Just a little side thing I got going here with selling cruises. Easiest money I ever made. Gotta have something to fall back on, right? I can hear everything you're saying, so no worries. Yes, you too, ma'am.We take Visa. I'm listening to everyone here.
That's right! Get paid and get laid!
/puts "pussy magnet" license plate on Camaro
[DING]
This is the automated call participant designated for "UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI." The replacement for the replacement for the replacement of Brian Kelly has since resigned. All comments are being recorded until a replacement has been hired.
Okay, now that we're just waiting on Schiano and Holtz, let's get to work. There's--
/drops 340 pound clean and jerk.
Sorry. There's a hole in the floor now.
Plant a seed in your basement, my daddy used to say, and you'll have a tree up your ass in no time.
That something you want happening there?
/whittles
/buy third camaro
/attempts camaro menage a trois
I'd first like to say that the state of our conference is challenged, but not weak.
Whew, that's a load off this old mule, I was afraid--
Hey, we're going to 16 teams. Want a new musket?
/skedaddles
Hey! We have counter-offers! And a theoretical tv contract!
You can count on me. I'm going nowhere.
/flashes tits
/drops barbell
/joins SEC
Losers!
/checks out chick in tight jeans while revving Camaro at light
WE'VE GOT CHROME FOR YOUR DICKROCKET STACHE-DADDY.
/peels out in Camaro, leaves four Camaros behind.
Hey! Seriously, this is--
[DING]
Rutgers here. We miss anything?
So great to see you, jeez, it's been a crazy--
ROTEL AND DOLLARS! DANCE SCHIAN-HO!
/tosses dollars
/drops it like it's hot
/gets wasted like a white boy
/joins Big Ten
/hangs self
Pause
Pause
Pause
[DING]
Skip Holtz, USF. So happy to be starting my first season in the Big East. I miss anything?
Not on these great cruise deals, my friend. Not on these great cruise deals.
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Boop *Click*
Yes, hi, I’m interested in any open postions you might have. I can fax you my resume right away.
/adds PhD from Yale
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 6, 2010 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
The action words were a little confusing since this is supposed to be a conference call, but I like the idea.
by Tim James on Apr 6, 2010 4:18 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Did you just actually call for more realism...
…in a piece where Dave Wannstedt is trying to make cars fuck?
by Spencer Hall on Apr 6, 2010 4:20 PM EDT up reply actions 5 recs
While we're on the subject, Spence--
There’s no way Marky M could break through that brick wall we keep using for his rap intros without causing himself serious injury. I’ve been meaning to tell you.
________________________________
I will give my shirt for Tennessee today.
by Holly Anderson on Apr 6, 2010 4:26 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
What needs to be addressed
is the clemson mascot’s addiction to cocaine and how it is truly affecting the loved ones surrounding him… seriously… talk about damage…
Libel, I tell you!
We all know that Mike Patrick doesn’t make bizarre and disjointed comments about whatever pops into his head.
Wait a minute….
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 6, 2010 4:53 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
To be fair
that particular anecdote was the one that didn’t set of my B.S. meter. Who couldn’t totally see that happening? Randy Edsall being late for a conference call however is beyond the realm of possibility. Get it together, Hall.
That's what threw you??
The fact that the SEC would offer Louisville a spot in the Ca$h Conference derailed this wonderful Godfather remake. For shame, all parties!
Zombie Erk Russell says...
by Ricky McDurden on Apr 6, 2010 8:20 PM EDT up reply actions
Wasn't a transcript.
No deep ruminations on West Virginian folklore.
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
Troy Nunes called...
I think he wants his Octonion back.
by greasetruck nickd on Apr 6, 2010 5:10 PM EDT reply actions
I'm not one for hyperbole, but...
Best. Ever.
My belt, too, was coming loose until the “SEC flashes tits” segment. Now? I’m smoking a cigarette, and for some reason, speaking French.
Best ever?
It’s not even the best on this page.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Apr 6, 2010 5:47 PM EDT up reply actions
Canadacticut
Our pasty, white, canned beer swilling fans would fit right in with the Big10/11/12/16. Just sayin’.
Plus, we can, unlike OSU, actually, you know, beat South Carolina.
/zing!
"God dammit, Donald"
by DougoUConnPlaysFootball? on Apr 6, 2010 6:51 PM EDT reply actions
Hiyo!
He’s here all week, folks.
TRIVIA TIME: What is the only Big Ten team that has never lost to Notre Dame? No cheating via the Internets.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 6, 2010 6:56 PM EDT up reply actions
Ima guess...
…Sconnie?
"Here are our top priorities: recruit, beat Missouri, recruit, win the North, recruit, win the Big 12, and in most cases if you win the Big 12 then you're playing for a National Championship. And then we're going to recruit."
by KennyGregoryRockThaCradle on Apr 6, 2010 8:31 PM EDT up reply actions
Nope
Ara Parseghian beat Wisconsin in Madison in his first game as Notre Dame’s coach in 1964.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 6, 2010 9:58 PM EDT up reply actions
Second City
go with the school ND has probably only played once or twice bc of “DNP – School President’s Decision”
The Fightin’ John D. Rockefellers!
A winnar is you!
The Maroons are 4-0 against the Irish. Jack Swarbrick is currently in negotiations for a netural site matchup with Chicago in Estadio Azteca because BARNSTORMING AND TRADITION BUY THE COMMEMORATIVE T-SHIRTS!
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 7, 2010 10:04 AM EDT up reply actions
Pretty sure this has been done before....
…and uhhh…..yep! By a Big East blogger no less. On SB Nation no less
But I dig the re-imagining. I just like it better w/ mascots is all.
No telephones, no coaches, no camero sex, no STRONG!!, no whittl'n.
So, no, never been done before. Or as literary folks say, “There is nothing original left to write, its all in the details” <—- poorly paraphrased
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
OK, the Octionion series is pretty damn funny.
Well worth the 20 minutes or so of your unproductive life that you will never get back.
I want a new musket.
Too bad I didn’t get here sooner.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
Wow....Are those vacation deals for real?
The Big East conference call is like fucking the Octomom….there is just no friction. The SEC conferece call on the other hand…..
Most of the hate left with Miami and VT
… but there’s still Pitt/WVU. And if our football team didn’t start sucking just before the ACC raid, I’m sure everyone else would hate my Orange.
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