CAM NEWTON NAMED STARTER AT AUBURN. NICKNAMES FOLLOW
by Spencer Hall on Apr 28, 2010 3:39 PM EDT
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PrintGene Chizik is head coach at Auburn in 2010, and was chosen intentionally by a group of consenting adults. Like many bad ideas, it seems to have worked out pretty well thus far despite its murky, ill-fated beginnings. Life lesson learned: start with the worst intentions and get nine wins, start with the best and you get the Cultural Revolution.
The Gene Chizik Blues Explosion announced today that their starting qb coming out of spring practice would be Florida transfer Cam Newton. The announcement is no surprise--Newton was favored to get the spot after a superb spring--but the timing is, since it feels like Chizik, having crossed everything else off his list, just decided to get one more thing out of the way by letting the world know who his current starting qb was.
Done, done, done, done, done, done, and done: Gene Chizik's to-do list is clean.
This means we have a a new starting quarterback in the SEC, and the time has arrived for him to acquire a nickname. A review of the names as they stand, league-wise:
Alabama: Greg McElroy.
Nickname: Daggers O'Malley
Auburn: Cam Newton
Nickname: Inspiron Behemoth
Arkansas: Ryan Mallett
Nickname: R-Godd The Trebuchet
Florida: John Brantley
Nickname: Jackie Pancakes
Georgia: Aaron Murray
Nickname: Defawlt Tha Selectively Indomitable
Kentucky: Morgan Newton
Nickname: Young Kangaroo
LSU: Jordan Jefferson
Nickname: Shawty Fat-wigz
MIssissippi: TBD
Nickname: Undrafted Free Agent Signee With A Bottom-Tier NFL Team
Mississippi State: TBD
Nickname: TBD
South Carolina: Stephen Garcia
Nickname: Steve Taney-thrillz
Tennessee: TBD
Nickname: Some Large Freshwater Fish of Some Sort
Vanderbilt: NO SUCH POSITION.
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I like ‘Tier 1’. My bro Cam was just trying to provide some onsite tech support, ya dig?
by Luke Zimmermann on Apr 28, 2010 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
Vandy QB is Larry Smith
otherwise known as the untalented one from Milli Vanilli
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
And as for the large freshwater fish
I thought suckers came only in small sizes.
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
Stephen Garcia
The poor man’s Freddy Kitchens
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
It's spelled phonetically...
using the “uh” at the end, instead of “ah”. He also will go by Dude, Sweet, and Anyone Wanna Hit This.
Which would probably explain Garcia being Bruh.
Spurrier’s been saying for months the kid can’t do anything right.
by MaconDawg on Apr 28, 2010 4:33 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Also:
Can we start a pool on Jevan Snead’s cut date and move to the whatever-that-thing-is-that-Denny-Green-is-now-coaching-in?
Show some respect dadgummit
jevan was pre season all SEC on Spurrier’s equipment manager’s ballot!
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
and
did you also know that he was Colt McCoy’s backup?
by five point stance on Apr 28, 2010 5:13 PM EDT up reply actions
Put my money on never
Playing in the UFL that is. They suspended the season already
http://inthebleachers.net
by InTheBleachers on Apr 28, 2010 6:46 PM EDT up reply actions
It's a diversion
It’s well known that Auburn only has two types of quarterbacks:
1. Pocket White-boy with marginal arm: everyone before Reggie Slack*, Stan White, Pat Nix, Ben Leard, Daniel Cobb, Brandon Cox, Chris Todd (seriously, i’d think they were all the same guy if it weren’t for Sullivan’s Heisman)
2. Incredibly athletic black guy who hasn’t put it all together for some reason yet: Slack (playing behind Jeff Burger), Dameyune Craig (playing behind Pat Nix, then a horrific set of RBs), Jason Campbell (more OCs in his career (4) than he ever threw TD passes in a game (3)), and now Cam Newton (“buying” stolen goods, throwing out window without properly leading the receiver)
Personally I’m fine with calling him “Beat bama dammit” or “Godzilla”. As our only NFL caliber QB will soon hear way too many times, Just Win Baby.
- - Pat Washington excluded…I have no words…
I gotta agree.
The Daniel Cobb years were just too much to handle. I think Cam can and will do well for us. We just need to not jump off sides (looking at you Zembia) and do a little more than 3 and out on most possessions. Our defense has been and will continue to be solid, but they can’t stay on the field 45 minutes of the game.
by SEC Supremacist on Apr 28, 2010 4:26 PM EDT up reply actions
What bout of amnesiac negligence
caused you to leave Kodi Burns off this list?
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
Michigan State: Does it matter?
Nickname: INTERCHANGEABLE COMPONENT #274R-D
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 28, 2010 4:17 PM EDT reply actions
Tennessee QBs
If Tyler Bray is the starter, it’s gotta be the freshwater eel. Impossibly skinny and looks as though he could be tied into a knot.
Simms is any small species of aquarium shark that you constantly have to convince people is actually a shark and not just some random fish. He’s no great white like his daddy or even a legitimate, if not particularly awesome, blue shark like his bros.
by Matthew Elliott on Apr 28, 2010 4:57 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs
Hey, if you want bulk
there is always Nash Nance.
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
Chuck Dumpster
…has been my nick for Newton ever since that fateful day.
Nothing I’d say to his face, mind you, as a) I’m a coward and b) he’s the size of the GPA rock.
You know...
they don’t call it GPA anymore…..and its now referred to as a potato(e). Get into the 90s you damn fossil……
No one's really gonna to be free until nerd persecution ends - Gilbert Lowe
John Brantley obvious nicknames...
John “The Real QB” Brantley, El Cuatro, JB IV and probably the winner: The Fourth Coming.
I would like to get some more production in the sack area-Les Miles
by One-Handed Grab on Apr 28, 2010 5:15 PM EDT reply actions
Consarn it!
Have those jackanapes gone back to the single wing again? Beauregard! Fetch the Duesenberg so that I may go to the telegraphy office and register my disapproval of the folly of this Johnson scoundrel!
"Well, if that ain't a show, I'll kiss your ass." - Gov. Jim Folsom Sr. (D-AL), 1948-52
If only
Would that the Johnson offensive braintrust were astute enough to go to the single wing. If we could get Tate, Stacey and Norman on the field at the same time we might be cooking with something other than mouse droppings.
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
Single wing my Aunt Hattie
Come on, Bobby, let’s open up Pandora’s Chinese Fire Drill Notre Dame Box!
Well, whaddayaknow? It IS Saturday!
I think Brantley wants a new name.
Jackie Pancakes sounds like Kangaroo Jack. More like John “who runs like Chris Leak” Brantley.
nicks
Orson, you need to play Dwarf Fortress. Urist McQuarterback the Hellspawn of Cleats. Book it. PS Cam Newton fucking ownz your FACE, booyah. All the barn haters can suck it, NC is OTW bishes! And now for my ululating cry of victory: lelelelelelelelelelelele!
Important Jamarcus Russell update
-Something called the National Football Post says he’s up to 300 pounds
-ESPN says the Raiders are about to cut him. If they do, he’ll have made $39 million, a total of $5 million per win, $2 million per touchdown pass, and $100,000 per completion.
-America: Fuck yeah.
The man's smart.
Get out of the NFL before every joint is arthritic, every bone is broken, and every neuron is rendered goo, and run with your $39 mil.
Of course, this only works if you don’t blow it all on hookers, crack, and beach homes, but invest said money and use the interest for such gentlemanly activities.
And if your conscious ever piques up, just think of that $39 mil as a tax on those obnoxious Oakland fans, and you’ll feel perfectly okay.
-America: Double fuck yeah.
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
by cantcatchuf on Apr 28, 2010 10:48 PM EDT up reply actions
he might not be done yet
The kid is only 24. He could conceivably find another team willing to take him on his “gifts” and play as a backup for a few years. Alternatively, if he is indeed 300 lbs, he could switch to right tackle.
Indeed
he is likely to exhaust his interest before the world supply of crack and hookers has been depleted. For more information about hooker depletion please see my treatise – Peak Hookers: How America Squandered One of Its Most Valuable Natural Resources.
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
Interesting work. You should expand it into a multi-volume set - with pictures.
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
does it come in audio book?
if not, does it come as an e-book? ME N MY BROSKIEZ NEEDZ IT FOR OUR KINDLEZ
I love the smell of Al Davis' money in the morning
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Apr 29, 2010 11:52 AM EDT up reply actions
Oh Hell yeah
I’ve been a Steelers fan all my life. I hate Al Davis with a passion that is almost as all-consuming as I the hate I have for anything Pitt. Take Al’s money, Jamarcus, and blow up to whatever size you want. You can always be a celebrity guest on The Biggest Loser.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
by MtnEer_in_SC on Apr 29, 2010 12:08 PM EDT up reply actions
Let's see . . . clickity click tappity tap . . . hmmmm
$39 Million, less . . .
17 M – income tax
7 M – agent commission
5 M – CA home
4 M – FL home
2 M – Gifts to family and friends
1 M – Vehicles and clothes
1 M – Boats, watercraft
1 M – Travel, fine dining, casinos
999 K – Utilities, insurance, property taxes
Net $1,000 — Hey man, can you help a borther out?
Well, whaddayaknow? It IS Saturday!
These nicknames sound like the all the alternative names that the Wu-Tang goes by…you know like Bobby Digital, Iron Lung, Big Baby Jesus, etc etc.
by Happy Time Harry on Apr 28, 2010 11:33 PM EDT reply actions
This list brings certain quotes to mind.
“I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.”
“Most of these guys never had a prime.”
Serious Question about J-Lo
Has he accomplished the transition to wrasslin that is his undeniable destiny?
Vandy football - challenging the sanity of even the most stoic of philosophers
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