Hey, Big Ten. John Swofford of the ACC here. As a fellow participant in the grand game of college athletics, I understand just how important the conference system is, and how difficult is to keep pace with the ever-changing financial and administrative demands of college sports in the 21st century. It's a struggle we can all identify with here in the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Recently it has come to light that you are considering expanding the Big Ten conference to 14 or perhaps even 16 teams. This is certainly exciting news for college sports fans everywhere, and especially to college football fans. As the head of a conference who recently went through an expansion like this, I'd like to offer you something.
That something? BOSTON COLLEGE AND WAKE FOREST.
Why dicker around with Syracuse and Pitt when you can secure the lucrative Boston market, home of the greatest sports fans in the greatest sports town of all? Why turn down the opportunity to pick up the Research Triangle*, one of America's fastest growing markets and a hotbed of collegiate sports fandom? Why miss picking up both for the low, low price of--brace yourself---FREE.
That's right: we'll just give them to you, two academically prestigious schools with fine sporting traditions in markets just poised for takeoff, Big Ten. For the low cost of two pennies minus two pennies, they are yours. We can fax the papers over today. It could happen that quickly. We're here to help.
Why, you ask, would we want to see them go when they mean so much to this conference? Unfortunately, the recession has taken a chunk out of our budget, and we have determined that in order to survive in this market we must cut two members to save on postage and um, er...stationery.
Yes. Stationery. Quite expensive these days.
Please consider our offer, which must remain confidential for the moment. Okay, feel free to hint at it, but then not to do anything for months on end in order to keep the media spotlight. You're going to do it anyway, after all, so I might as well grant you permission to do it and make us both happy from the start.
But seriously: we will toss these at you like puppies in a sack thrown from a moving car window into a river. Just say the word.
*Please don't check a map. We didn't.