GREG PAULUS AIN'T GONNA LIE: HE'LL FIGHT AN EMU

Greg Paulus is the scientific name for the floppy substance who, after serving as "point guard"  on Duke basketball's "Bas-ket-ball" team for four years after a successful career as a high school quarterback squandered on a sport played by tall, cruel men who throw live adorable infants into fruitbaskets on poles. Paulus joins Shaquille O'Neal (wideout, LSU,) LeBron James (TE, Ohio State,) John Stockton (Cal, defensive tackle) and the Phoenix Suns Gorilla (ASU, special teams) as those who wasted potentially glorious three year NFL careers on lengthy, lucrative NBA careers. 

Paulus' year as Syracuse quarterback was middling at best, and the NFL tryouts he's going through now may indeed be as much a tryout for a potential broadcast career as a real attempt to make a team. If he does want a quick buck, though, there is one free and clear way to get it now that he's no longer an amateur. 

Patrick: Could you beat up Jimmy Clausen?

Paulus: [Laughs] Is this a fight? Is this a backyard fight?

Patrick: Yeah, if it was a fight to start.

Paulus: I would cheat and find a way to win.

Patrick: What about Tebow?

Paulus: Uh, you know, Tebow is a big guy.

 

BATTLE ROYALE. Clausen is already 0-1 on the amateur circuit, while Paulus comes from the Hardwood League where he is 0-371 against opponents who "knocked him down" with "elbows and other body parts" "thrown" in "his general vicinity, or at least within three feet of him." The match lasts three hours until Tom Zbikowski storms in, knocks both out, and then flexes while someone throws seventy yard TD passes over his unsuspecting head. 

As for Tebow's prospects in the fight: no one doubts his toughness and power, but the windup motion of his punches does tend to slow down his attack somewhat.