FIVE QUARTERBACKS WITH POSITIVELY WHORISH NUMBERS IN 2010

Fantasy football for college really hasn't exploded like it should have yet, and we all know why: THE OTHERS REFUSE TO LET IT HAPPEN.  There are also some minor issues as to the legality/propriety of using college players' and their names in pursuit of that pooled money at stake, but death is the day when you let a few minor rules get in the way of you and a good time, isn't that right Runaway Urban Monkey? 

So in accordance with those rules to the barest of minimums, here are five quarterbacks that you should watch if, you know, you could actually run fantasy football for college without having to refer to "QB #7" when you all know damn well it's Case Keenum. 

1. Blaine Gabbert, Mizzou. The dashing Monsieur Gabbert sallied forth into battle with two offensive linemen, a handful of baling wire, and three desk chairs for protection in 2009. Despite getting slapped around in his own one-man Taiwanese parliament, Gabbert threw for 3500 yards and 24 TDs as a sophomore. He loses Danario Alexander true, , but if Gary Pinkel will happily let first year starter Gabbert throw 40 times a game as a sophomore, he'll take the governor off completely for 2011. HA!  We kid: this is Mizzou there never was a governor to begin with, just a post-it note on the gas pedal reading "if you can see this you're not going fast enough." Gabbert should approach the pizza-scented heights reached by Chase Daniel with relative ease. 

And now that Ndamukong Suh isn't around to batter him, things should be even peachier for him. 

2. The Great Moa, Nevada. A.k.a. Colin Kaepernick, the 6'6" qb who ran for 17 TDs and passed for 20 TDs in 2009 and like most great statmonsters gets to face fluffy, delicious defenses of little merit for much of the season, and then benefits from lax second half defenses when they do actually play good teams and need to play catchup. Kellen Moore might seem to be the obvious pick out of the WAC, but he's not going to be called on to run the option nearly as often. Bonus: Kaepernick running through traffic and lowering his head into defenders looks like someone trying to tackle a thrown ball of ladders tumbling off the back of a pickup truck going 75 mph. 

3. Ryan Mallett, Arkansas. Oh, there's gone be turnovers. BEST BELEE DAT. Mallett is going to turn the ball over, and his completion percentage won't scrape 60%. This is of little matter, since like a male porn star without abs, he could care less about the cosmeticals and is only concerned with the gift that keeps the dollars rolling in: the cannon. With a very young offense across the board Mallett threw for 3600 yards and 30 TDs as a sophomore, and with added experience Mallett should roll clean through his foot injury and into some fearsome numbers. Better still: he feasts on lesser competition with admirable gluttony, as evidenced by racking up half of his TDs in games against Mississippi State, Troy, and Georgia. Did that feel good, you ask, to lump Georgia's WAC-tacular 2009 secondary in there? Yes, reader. Yes it did. 

4. Case Keenum, Houston. Already sitting flush on 13,000 yards passing as an incoming senior and behind the controls of a heinous death wheel of an offense, Keenum can conservatively expect to throw for 4000 yards and 40 TDs this year, both of which would be a shade under his averages as a sophomore and junior starter for the Cougars.  Whorish numbers to an extreme = fantasy happiness. Keenum should remind you why you want to invite your non-college football literate friends into CFB fantasy leagues, since you will take your superior ability to find relatively obscure qbs, pick them, and then watch as you set them on fire weekly with your mind-torch of a brain. 

5. Brandon Weeden, Oklahoma State. The junior replacement for Zach Robinson gets Dana Holgorsen as his new OC, meaning the embodies spirits of Leach, Sumlin, and the very much present Mike Gundy will all implore him to throw until his rotator cuff explodes and aerosolizes in a puff of glittery powder. It's cheating to take two qbs from the Big 12, but this is about victory, and we plan on demonstrating full effort across the board here. Additionally: he's not as mobile as Robinson, and therefore more likely to pass/ less-likely to take retardation-inducing hits.