PHIL FULMER FEEDS THE HOMELESS WITH TASTY DEER MEAT

But will he teach and enable the homeless to hunt for themselves? via cmsimg.tennessean.com

If you know hunters, you know a breed of people who are perpetually trying to offload excess venison on you. Holy shit, have you seen how much meat you can get off a deer? Cut open a smallish buck and suddenly you've sawed a cow in half, since they double in size the instant you shoot them, and have no less than than seven thousand pounds of venison chops to give away. Even gorged bears will throw in their napkin after eating enough venison, because seriously, they need some berries to push this and that slow, fat Webelos they put down last Thursday through the pipes. 

Hunters For The Hungry does exactly this in the name of charity, and their spokesman is ex-Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer. Fulmer, last seen cackling madly on his couch when he saw Lane Kiffin resigning, helped the organization donate more than 100,000 pounds of deermeat that became 400,000 meals, which is in scientific terms " a heaping goddamn fuckton-ogram" of meat, for those of you who like the metric system.* 

As admirable as this is, we're not about just creating a venison dependency among our nation's homeless. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but teach him to fish and he'll feed himself for a lifetime. Thus we propose that Fulmer and Hunters for the Hungry advance to the next step towards ending this cycle of dependency: let's teach the homeless to hunt. 

With the right powerful used hunting weaponry--donated for tax-deductible writeoffs by hunters and gun owners--we could have the homeless wandering our hillsides keeping both the deer population in check and feeding themselves and their roving clans of charming hobo vagabond children. Who wouldn't sleep better at night knowing they were out there, culling our out-of-control deer population and teaching children the value of wilderness survival? 

We wouldn't just give them guns willy-nilly, though. Armed with a thorough pamphlet, five hundred rounds of high-grade metal-piercing ammo (don't want the deer surviving,) and fifteen minutes of instruction, our Rollin' Rangers program will ensure that our hunger alleviation program is both smart and well-equipped. 

Your move, Fulmer. We're ready to take the next great step in poverty alleviation when you are. 

*Traitors

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