THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/23/2010

AS A THIRTY EIGHT YEAR OLD MAN DEONTE THOMPSON SHOULD KNOW BETTER. 

Deonte Thompson looks like he's in his mid-thirties, but then again he is from the Muck City region of Florida, and living there will age a person well beyond their years. Hey, he never got the ball from Tim Tebow, partially because Tim Tebow has a selective blindness only affecting his ability to see people whose first names start with "D" (see his infrequent tosses to David Nelson,) and because Deonte Thompson's hands are on every other catch replaced by enormous floppy rubber hands without the slightest bit of stickiness to them.

He spoke poorly. He's an athlete. These two things go hand in hand more frequently than not. OMG CONTROVERSY. 

CAN THE SIXTH QUESTION BURN? SCIENCE DEMANDS ANSWERS. There are five burning questions about Auburn this spring, but dare we ask a sixth, or shall some unknown law of thermodynamics that limits us to only FIVE burning questions? Our sixth would be "Can Cam Newton hit the fat side of a bull's ass with a football now?", since his Florida tenure (limited as it was) featured Newton overthrowing receivers not by a foot, but but a league. This became especially problematic since Newton is already nine feet tall and capable of throwing the ball through things. It's just the at things part he's had problems with, which could be an even bigger problem considering Auburn's depleted wide receiver corps. 

IT'S GREAT AND WE'RE GREAT AND GREAT JUST GREAT. If you don't have the coin for a real live [NAME REDACTED,] you could always just get you a Tim Brewster, who at half the price will deliver twice as much bland soundbite mixed with blind, giddy enthusiasm. 

LET'S JUST ALL GET HUGE EXPECTATIONS NOW. Two sacks a game, you say? Why not ELEVEN, SIR? Or do you lack confidence? Jim Leavitt would have wanted to slap you for saying something so presumptuous, but then again, he's at home slapping his lawnmower for the insolence of choking on a clot of wet grass, and that's just kind of his default setting when confronted with an issue. <---THIS IS A MATTER OF LEGAL DEBATE AND WILL BE SETTLED IN COURT THANKS THE ATTORNEYS OF JIM LEAVITT, ESQs. 

AWESOME MOMENTS IN LEDE WRITING, COLORADO EDITION. From the Daily Camera, bringing you the gory demise of the CU football program in graphic detail for six years now. 

The "pound it and launch it" offense Colorado coach Dan Hawkins promised when he was hired five years ago still hasn't materialized in Boulder, and the pound it portion appears in particular jeopardy in 2010.

Bye, run game. Hello Cody Hawkins throwing the ball seventy times a game! If you want to cry, let it out. We won't think any less of you. We'll laugh, though. And point. 

WHAT'S COOKING? MY IMMINENT RESIGNATION. Greg Byrne, Miss State AD, is leaving for Arizona. What will we miss most, sir, about your tenure? You didn't even really need to ask, since our answer is your answer: the "What's Cooking at the Ritz?" segments, sir. Food Network is always ready if the AD game gets too stressful for you.