VOTE LANE KIFFIN FOR SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE

by Spencer Hall on Mar 15, 2010 2:45 PM EDT

Lane Kiffin will always be so much more than a woman to us. He's like the best driver ever, an offensive mastermind, a spectacular dresser, a ladykililng doofus-lothario, a master of the moral victory, a shit-talking prat, Petrino without the brain...all this and the man who will drag USC back into Paul Hackett-dom, and that's if they're lucky enough to dodge serious penalties from the NCAA in the Reggie Bush case. (They will, because this is the 21st century and we're talking about the NCAA.)

He could be so much more with your help: he could be Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive, if only you'd go over to their brackets and vote. He's currently facing Natalie Gulbis, and like WHO IS THAT COMPARED TO BIG BALLS LANE? No one, that's who, which means you need to quickstep on the mouse and do your duty by voting America's Most Exciting Coach With A Losing Career Record (Including the NFL) into the next round, the next, and eventually to the finals.

Additional note to Esquire writer who thought of this: we want to kiss you on the mouth for this in the straightest way possible. Be sure to vote in the others, too, in order to soften up the bracket. ERIN PAGEVIEWS is going up against Danica Patrick, who we suggest you vote for since the throngs of internet men what crave ERIN PAGEVIEWS would be difficult to vanquish once that particular snowball gets rolling downhill.

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Phil Owen on Mar 15, 2010 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

Question to the good people at Esquire:

Why did you have to have a Mad Men-themed first round matchup?

It's a funny name.

by Turd Ferguson on Mar 15, 2010 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

Hackett was frequently hopeless. I suspect that Kiffin will do much better in producing WTF outcomes, given about 20 minutes into the first game of the season.

by DC Trojan on Mar 15, 2010 3:04 PM EDT reply actions

Voting Like a Chicago Graveyard

This. Must. Happen.

by Jack Fact on Mar 15, 2010 3:09 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Damn, big brother work proxies are blocking the site.

Is there any accompanying text in the Esquire link as to why they put Lane in the bracket?

by GeauxIrish on Mar 15, 2010 3:24 PM EDT reply actions

None.

That’s the best part.

by Spencer Hall on Mar 15, 2010 3:26 PM EDT up reply actions

I'm really torn here. I hate Esquire. But I hate Kiffykins harder.

Who the F is Scott Poserdick?

by f o u r on Mar 15, 2010 10:36 PM EDT up reply actions

And the twitter shall set you free

http://twitter.com/Lane_Kiffin/status/10032667983
He’s not just a woman. Oh no, sir. He’s a 17 year old Jersey mall skank..

"In 12 years at Florida, I don't think we ever signed a kid from the state of Alabama...Of course, we found out later that the scholarships they were giving out at Alabama were worth a whole lot more than ours."
S.O.S

by The Lesser Santini on Apr 13, 2010 5:20 AM EDT up reply actions

No explanations, but some good tag lines

For Natalie: Why couldn’t this be the golfer with the sex addiction?

For Lane: Such a prety girl. Sure raises a ruckus.

"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke

by MtnEer_in_SC on Mar 15, 2010 3:40 PM EDT up reply actions

The closest I can find is this:

Look for Tennessee fans to take out their snub in actual March Madness on their former football coach, sixteenth-seeded Lane Kiffin, who is not actually a woman. Talk about an upset special.

Tracy Porter's gonna score! TRACY PORTER'S GONNA SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (HT Takimoto)

by AllSaintsDay on Mar 16, 2010 3:07 PM EDT up reply actions

I'm against NCAA sanctions for USC

I want the steaming mess of USC football circa 2015 to be all Lane Kiffin’s fault (with an assist from Ed O.) and you just know all the fairweather fans of the University of Spoiled Children will try to blame their back to back to back Las Vegas Bowl losses on probation from Pete Carroll. Of course, if you were really being honest in pointing the finger then Mike Garrett should be the one to blame for the impending streak of 7 win seasons for the Trojans.

by Kang and Kodos on Mar 15, 2010 3:27 PM EDT reply actions

Most Trojan fans

already are, and have been, frustrated with Garrett. If anyone will get the blame, it will be him for sure.

Of course, once Lane Kiffin becomes AD in 2013 and promotes DA COACH O to head futbawl coach, the back to back Poinsettia Bowl appearances with 34 5 star recruits on the roster will likely be the turning point of the program. At that point, Lane will have no choice but to “get the other band back together” and bring back John Robinson for the “third time’s a charm!” campaign.

by FightOn09 on Mar 15, 2010 7:11 PM EDT up reply actions

The Blind Side 2

What a target rich environment for the next Michael Oher. Coach O will have Sandra Bullock adopting homeless high school football players for real. How long until Lane is making cameos?
/2012 Best Supporting Actress

by Kang and Kodos on Mar 15, 2010 7:44 PM EDT up reply actions

This officially begins the Oscar campaign for Blind Side 2

Best Actor – Lane Kiffin (acting is just a fancy way of lying, right?)

Also, the Razzie for supporting actor goes to Nick Saban, as the script calls for him to smile and he instead nearly passes out from trying to lift the corner of his lip that high.

Because of health issues, Urban Meyer can’t spend time acting for the filming of the movie. Instead he’ll just stand off to the side and be the key grip. And work set design. And win the Oscar for Best Sound Editing.

by FightOn09 on Mar 16, 2010 1:25 AM EDT up reply actions

This, however, is distressingly plausible.

by DC Trojan on Mar 16, 2010 1:36 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

What a load of nonsense, Kiffykins won’t last until 2015. And to the extent that Pete Carroll is responsible, it’s for not smacking Kiffin on the snout harder with the rolled up newspaper when he would pee on the rug in the film room the first time around in Heritage Hall.

by DC Trojan on Mar 16, 2010 1:36 AM EDT up reply actions