LET'S BRING THE LIGHTS DOWN IN HERE FOR JUST A SECOND. 

Terrance Tolliver apologized for his involvement in a bar fight after practice yesterday, and did so in front of reporters scolded child-style. If you doubt the veracity of our Les Miles monologues, please see this actual quote from Les Miles re: Tolliver and the hand he broke in the fight. 

"The hand is broken," Miles said. "It will probably be casted and taped and rubber casted for the rest of the spring, but it will not be a lasting issue. We will throw him balls when the read dictates, and he'll have to catch it. When he doesn't catch it, we are going to bark at him. It's just the way it is. He's going to have to block with it. I didn't break it. He did."

Like that was something Miles felt he needed to clear up: "No, seriously, I didn't borrow his hand and break it to teach him a lesson. I mean, you can't even do that. It's not physiologically possible, silly!" Meanwhile, Papa Swindle is rocking his face off to the "Get Away" part of the song in a slightly used Audi, wearing an Izod, and smoking Vantages. 

IF YOU GO TO HAWAII AND STILL TEXT THE OFFICE YOU MIGHT BE URBAN MEYER. Meyer's fuzzy return timeline is shifting into something resembling shape: he'll be there for spring practice on March 17th, and presumably for the duration after taking vacations in Hawaii and Atlanta. Vacations where he was still texting the office. And calling. And sat in a few meetings. Hi, we're Florida fans, and our coach is going to explode on the sidelines sometime around the year 2013.  Oh, and per the Sentinel's quiz, we're a Spurrier. <---derp duh derpy derp derp. 

IT WAS YOU IT WAS ALWAYS YOU. The Rivalry wonders if Big Ten expansion is and was always about Notre Dame, and credits Jim Delany with something we'd sort of overlooked in making fun of his dusty rolodex and tendency to take the paper and a cup of coffee into the john while addressing his assistant. 

Is this an accident, or is it the work of a highly skilled professional? By carefully staging press releases, offering open-ended answers, and misdirecting attention to decoy programs (Missouri, Pitt, Syracuse, Rutgers, Texas), Jim Delany has created an unprecedented air of instability across the FBS landscape.

Wait...he's not only amusingly 1982 Midwestern in his blocky Buick Sedan, he's...a Tom Clancy villain? If this somehow ends up destabilizing a former Soviet republic, the theory would be confirmed. Rakes of Mallow says Notre Dame fans ain't happy bout none a this. 

THE CANDIDATE. Mark Ingram finished either "2nd or 3rd" as a write-in candidate in Alabama student government elections, and Clay Travis argues that he's the worst Heisman-winning write-in candidate by the numbers ever. 

TASTES LIKE VICTORY. I MEAN, SUBPOENA. Tuberville 

cited in the case of the Detestable Mr. Leach against the Dastardly Hilljack Technical Institute of West Texas. Oh, to scandal, men, to scandal!

/clinks glasses

/spills ten dollar cognac on rug.