CURIOUS INDEX, 3/1/2010
by Spencer Hall on Mar 1, 2010 9:38 AM EST
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I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT BUT I MUST BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL MESSAGE ABOUT RON PRINCE. Having watched a Super Bowl slip away from them thanks to a heinous Peyton Manning pick to inexplicable lack of offensive mojo, the Indianapolis Colts came to the only conclusion they could: MORE POWER TOWEL WAS NEEDED.
Ron P is now an offensive assistant with the Colts, and will be single-handedly responsible for the Colts triumphant asswhipping of [INSERT YOUR BITCHASS TEAM HERE] next year in the Super Bowl. You lacked royalty, Indianapolis, and now some has deigned to join you for the small appearance fee of a salary and, of course, a secret delayed payout to be made in 2018 known only to Bill Polian and the Trilateral Commission.*
KEEP HOPE ALIVE, MITCH MUSTAIN. Senior season bearing down on him, Mustain still hopes to make starter at USC. Matt Barkley wasn't really all that fantastic as a freshman, (15/14 TD/INT ratio,) so there's a glimmer of hope down there shining in the wreck of what was going to be a spectacular college career for the once-ballyhooed blue chip quarterback. Lane Kiffin has declared all positions open, except that of Captain Gigantoballs, which is his and his alone until someone wants to come up here and tell him he's not the Prime Minister of Poontown and its Colonies Partylandia and Awesomeville.* Get me my scepter, Ed. I need it to go knock some heads down at campus parking.**
LSU STILL HAS FIVE RUNNING BACKS, ALL CAPABLE OF MASS TERROR, NONE CAPABLE OF WINNING THE STARTING JOB. LSU is still doing the thing where they have five zillion running backs, each in his own right endowed with speed, strength, and an invisible crowbar only they can wield in knocking defenders off them. And per tradition in the modern era, none of them will be given enough carries to really matter, because the only other place where good running backs get fewer carries is Florida, and because something in Gary Crowton's brain*** refuses to let him use a running back effectively. This year's underutilized wonder: Michael Ford, he of 4.4 speed and high expectations.
WOOO BEAVERS AND HORNY FROGS AT THE JERRYDOME! America's great fascist fucktub, the JerryDome, will likely host TCU and Oregon State on September 4th of this year. It's an interesting matchup, and WOOOOHOOO CAGE DANCERS!!! Paul Verhoeven says it's only a matter of time before bloodsport is hosted there without guilt or apologies (and we will have a press pass for it.)
BRANDON GRAHAM IS FRANK. After playing like your powerlifting commando of a brother home from college dabbling around in a pickup game of football with middle schoolers during the 2009 season, current combine prospect and Michigan Wolverine Brandon Graham is...well, he's honest.
After the season, we said that, ‘you can’t be up for so long, eventually you have to pay taxes,’ " Graham said on Saturday. "That’s how we look at it until we get it back up. That’s what we’re going to do. I hope them boys get right next year. Because coach (Rich Rodriguez has) only got one more year — if they don’t do (anything). Because of the allegations, and then, if you have a bad year, then you’ve got to get someone new."
Graham also said that the chinstrap beard you wear hides nothing, since we can all see your double chin anyway and it only draws attention to it, and that you'll never change him because you're not in love with him, but merely with the notion of being loved. Until you quit living in the ideal and see things for what they are, you'll never be happy in a relationship, especially with the distant proxies you continue to substitute for your emotionally remote father. Brandon you cut us all to the quick...
HEY, LOOK ATHLETES DOING GOOD THINGS. West Virginia raises money for Haiti with a silent auction, which included football memorabilia, some of Bill Stewart's prize whittled Indian figurines, and a date with Bondo, the handsome and intriguing talking black bear who has served as WVU's academic compliance officer for three decades.
BUT WAS HE EVER THERE? Ron Turner, last seen attempting to reign in the Sex Cannon unsuccessfully in Chicago after getting fired as the head coach at Illinois, is headed back to the NFL after an astonishing two-week career at Stanford. Mercury News, drop a train on 'em.
ATROCITY HAS A THOUSAND AVATARS HERE'S ONE. This headline,it makes the weep come from the visual input spheres.
*This is your very literal and serious reminder that Jim Caldwell is an imbecile.
**Secondary reminder: Lane Kiffin is also an imbecile.
***A tumor or small gnome residing in his temporal lobes.
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Survived the first week!
Congrats.
(Only 935 more to go)
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
On Jerry Dome hosting Oregon St and TCU...
Does Jerry have extras to fill in the empty seats? He’d hate to show empty seats on television…
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
Lower Division Fulmer Cup
I know it would be entirely too much to keep up with, but there is a serious need for a lower level version of the Fulmer Cup. The following report shows exactly why:
by AUTigerGSUEagle on Mar 1, 2010 10:03 AM EST reply actions
Duchess had better enjoy Partylania and Awesomville while he can.
Brian Kelly, the barbarian warlord, is coming from the north to sack your weakened colonies and rename them Playerdevelopmentia and Commitmenttoacademicstan.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 1, 2010 10:14 AM EST reply actions
*Partylandia and Awesomeville
Dammit.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 1, 2010 10:14 AM EST up reply actions
Welcome back and Congrats Orson
And holy crap! What have I missed? That’s the first time I’ve seen that KSU promotional video.
Randy Hahn: "I’ve been referred to as a playa…"
Just an idea...
Corvallis would do well to contact Vancouver and buy the giant beavers for a perfect JerryLand halftime extravganza.
Welcome back, and thanks for noticing...
athletes doing good things, instead of Fulmer Cup things, for a change. The WVU Afternoon with the Athletes raised over $9,000 for Haitian relief.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
Partylandia
The Sex Cannon is a revered figure in the Upper House of the Partylandia Parliament, a governing body that’s ultimately a decorative institution in the same vein as the House of Lords
[sings] And did those girls, in ancient times, dance up in Jerry’s cages scene
And was the lizard spraying blood, on the fifty yard line seeeeeeeeeeeeeen
etc. etc.
Bravo!
I can hear the Emerson, Lake, and Palmer variation playing in my head.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
The way LSU uses RBs drives me nuts.
All those guys on the depth chart, none gets more than 10 carries most days. Once every 3 or 4 years they’ll lose so many that they have to pick one, then he has a 1000 yard season.
That really is maddening when it happens.
Having several choices at running back is actually a bad thing for most coaches, in my opinion. Of course, running back by committee is usually a result of all backs on the roster sucking equally, so who knows?
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 1, 2010 11:26 AM EST up reply actions
Exhibit A - Chuck the Truck, 2008
This is a huge problem on the bayou and has been forever. For instance, my exapansive knowledge of LSU football stats allows me to tell you off the top of my head that LSU has only had 12 1000 yard rushers EVAR.
by haveagreatday on Mar 1, 2010 2:44 PM EST up reply actions
I'm dying to know
what the footnote was going to be for the reference to the “Prime Minister of Poontown.”
by Jamie DeVriend on Mar 1, 2010 11:31 AM EST via mobile reply actions
Army with a Power T/Willie drop a load on 'em
RonP how can I explain it
I’ll take you frame by frame it
To have y’all jumpin’ shall we singin’ it
Ron is the for the man, P is for People scratchin’ temple
The last P…well…that’s not that simple
It’s sorta like another way to call a cat a kitten
It’s five little letters that are missin’ here
You get on occasion at the other party
As a game ‘n it seems I gotta start to explainin’
Bust it
You ever had a girl and met her on a nice hello
You get her name and number and then you feelin’ real mellow
You get home, wait a day, she’s what you wanna know about
Then you call up and it’s her girlfriend or her cousin’s house
It’s not a front, F to the R to the O to the N to the T
It’s just her man Ron at her house (Boy, that’s what is scary)
It’s RonP, time other people’s what you get it
There’s no room for relationship there’s just room for him to hit it
How many brothers out there know just what I’m gettin’ at
Who thinks it’s wrong ‘cos I’m splittin’ and co-hittin’ at
Well if you do, that’s RonP and you’re not down with it
But if you don’t, here’s your membership
You down with RonP (Yeah you know me) 3X
Who’s down with RonP (Every last homie)
You down with RonP (Yeah you know me) 3X
Who’s down with RonP (All the homies)
by Luke Zimmermann on Mar 1, 2010 11:54 AM EST reply actions 1 recs
Holy shit, that just happened.
Football is my anti-drug. CollegeGameBalls.com
by collegegameballs on Mar 1, 2010 12:27 PM EST up reply actions
Sleep be damned
As proud father of a 3 week old young man, future linebacker, I say congrats!
And the whole “you won’t get much sleep” thing, as it turns out, is quite literal.
Here’s to a new understanding of the word “seedy” – 100+ 3am cocktails to you fine sir!
I am not cjbama or cr4bama.
When I Was Rejected From Med School
brandon graham told me that i really didn’t have what it takes to be a doctor and that i needed to take some time to reexamine my life and develop some reachable goals.
it hurt at the time, but i thanked him later. it’s just tough love, really.
by ramblingamblinjohn on Mar 1, 2010 12:24 PM EST reply actions
Finally!
Finally figured out how to post with Firefox.
At any rate, congrats on the new sprout.
Also, wondering if Jerry Jones is planning on flooding the Dome and staging mock naval battles, because that would be blood sport properly done.
I've haven't seen such a great headline since...
“Free’d At Last” about awesomely named World B. Free.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Mar 1, 2010 1:05 PM EST reply actions
Baby Steps
LSU must master the riddle of the five zillion running backs before standing before the final Shaolin task door: The room of the two minute drill. At least there is plenty of room on Miles’ forehead for the dragon brand.
Little known subtext of the Mustain saga: Houston Nutt, QB Destroyer. Just ask Jevan “Why, yes the CFL might just be the ticket especially with arena ball out of action and all” Snead.
"Little known"?
Everybody knows Mustain spent a season at Arkansas. You can hardly find an article about him that doesn’t mention him “leading the Razorbacks to 10 wins as a true freshman”. Then, they forget to mention that he passed for less than 900 yards during the 11 games he played.
AHahahahahaha
people still think the mighty Colts just let it slip away. I’d go into detail how the Saints kicked the shit out of them culminating in a perfect pick off, but, we’re still having parades down here celebrating the victory. Enjoy your boring banal lives bitches, we’re still ducking work and drinking the champagne.
Spencer, in all seriousness, congrats.
I rooted for the Saints...
but don’t turn into Boston fans and make me wish super AIDS on your ass.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Mar 1, 2010 4:12 PM EST up reply actions
you're telling fans of:
-one of the most abhorrent franchises in NFL history who finally won a fucking Super Bowl after 43 years of futility
-who live in one of the biggest party cities/states/banana republics in the world
to tone it down? noted.
noted it right there next to “don’t give a fuck what you think right now”.
Boston waited 86 years...
and now they are insufferable. Sounds like you’re on the way there.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Mar 2, 2010 12:47 AM EST up reply actions
And I'm going to hate
whatever Cubs fans turn into if they ever win a World Series again.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
A thought on LSU's stable of RB's...
Better to have 5 underutilized blue-chippers playing for LSU than having 5 other schools utilizing them to perfection. THEY’RE MINE!!!!!
It’s like having a bunch of Ferrari’s in the garage and not driving them in fear of an accident of bird crap.
Or in more like term for my fellow cajun friends: ‘Magine havin’ five boats, just sittin’ dare. And we all know that when you got a boat, an’ it’s jus’ sittin dare, you end up putting more time an’ money in da ting to get da ting runnin’ again for when ya fine-lee wanna take it out. So den you can either sell da boat, or do the em-bare-sing ting and get you a big rubba-maid bucket, fill that ting wit watah, and idle you outboard in dat ting. Dat em-barah-sing.
Wow, what a tangent I just went on. But seriously, I had to do that with my dad’s boat several times before I sold that thing.
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