BECAUSE IT'S THE OFFSEASON: MASCOT ASSAULT
by Spencer Hall on Feb 5, 2010 12:27 PM EST
31 comments
Greatness announces itself with "Yakety Sax," a rule obeyed by the Louisville sports news crew who, in the midst of an on-air promo for Mascot Bowl, found themselves televising the sexual assault of a person in a bat suit at the hands/claws/legs of a person in a crab costume. The video refuses to embed here, but go here, watch video six, and go to the 2:20 mark to cut to the chase of what happens when passions between furry mascots and inflatable mascots spark and catch fire.
Freek has saved the day for those of you who cannot watch it, and has condensed the drama into convenient gif form.
The panties falling off the bird only confirm your suspicions that inflatable mascots are terrifying sexual deviants who, if they moved into your neighborhood, would likely be forced by the law to announce their presence to their neighbors door-to-door. WHEE THIS IS MY RAPE BIKE. Lil Red has never been seen within five hundred feet of a school, and never will if he doesn't like the idea of prison. We kid! Lil Red isn't a pedophile, but is instead an accomplished murderer/rapist. Calling him anything but that is selling his immense talents short of their real worth.
P.S. Inflatable mascots scare the shit out of us. Please kill them all with fire. (HT: @rabithead via Twitter.)
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W.
T.
F.?!
The college football season is so fragile. It's like a glass ball being pushed around from stadium to stadium by a rhinoceros.
by Winfield Featherston on Feb 5, 2010 12:30 PM EST reply actions
Don't you just love how
all the other mascots congregate to cheer on the attacker and make fun of the victim?
"There's an angel on my shoulder, but the devil's at the wheel." - Jonatha Brooke
I'm here for the blood orgy.
I'm Banana dammit!!!
by BurritoBrosShits on Feb 5, 2010 12:33 PM EST reply actions
Since when did they get sent to Fox River? Poor guy…he’s just getting the “fresh-fish” treatment, but shouldn’t been allowed in Gen-pop anyway.
I wish I could tell you that the bat fought the good fight, and the crab let him be.
I wish I could tell you that – but the Mascot Bowl is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew.
by TheFakeGimelMartinez on Feb 5, 2010 12:50 PM EST up reply actions 2 recs
Doesn't this reinforce the stereotype of mascots as sexual predators?
I'm Banana dammit!!!
by BurritoBrosShits on Feb 5, 2010 12:53 PM EST reply actions
Hey, you tricked me!
When I saw “Yakety Sax,” I thought I was going to get video of Nick Sheridan fumbling in a monsoon.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Feb 5, 2010 12:55 PM EST reply actions
High octane nightmare fuel
I still can’t figure out what disturbed me more…the Shoney’s Big Boy or the bird with the ass crack.
Donovan McCrab would only be Steve Kragthorpe. . .
…if he was raping a Louisville season ticket holder
That was the most . . .
disturbing thing I’ve seen all morning. And I woke up to the CBS Early Show’s Super Bowl coverage live from Miami, so that’s saying something.
The bat mascot gave up
He “resisted” in the same sense that Will Ferrell did in the Hugh Jackman “Christmas Kangaroo” skit on SNL. The real deviant here is the Bat, for enjoying it. Perhaps OS is in the right for calling for a genocidal response.
STRONG LIKE BOAR
by Red Clay For Brains on Feb 5, 2010 1:06 PM EST reply actions
Did you see how fast that bird bailed?
Dude’s been around the block. He knew what was comin’ and wanted no part of it.
Hallucinogenic love drugs, sir. The pagans were taking them. We were trying to fit in.
Now that's what I call sexual BATtery.
I’ll show myself out.
by She Blinded Me With Violence on Feb 5, 2010 1:16 PM EST reply actions
The bat mascot is saying...
…“I am gonna give you three minutes to stop, or I am gonna get mad”.
Auburn and Tennessee fans are a lot like Slinkys...neither are worth much but you do get a sense of satisfaction from pushing them down a flight of stairs
I guess nobody’s wondering any more why the WVU Mountaineer carries that musket wherever he/she goes, are they?
by An 'eer with a beer on Feb 5, 2010 2:02 PM EST reply actions
You know...
Philly McCrab could have just as easily been a Heisman Trophy/National Championship winning QB. Apparently, its 50/50 like that.
Mascot rape can be justified. Like when the Houston Cougar mocks your pushups-after-a-TD routine so you teabag him.
Also, I claim that rape-proof mascots exist.
Every few minutes, it hits me. "Holy *$^#, the Saints are in the Super Bowl."
In that same vein...
…I give you some shoes and luggage.
Auburn and Tennessee fans are a lot like Slinkys...neither are worth much but you do get a sense of satisfaction from pushing them down a flight of stairs
I'm sorry...
I’m not a therapist. I’ve been meaning to get that sign fixed. The sign should say, “The Rapist.”
Also note that the crab isn't just a rapist...
…but a pedo, note the baby bird and it torn diaper as it runs away.
Excuse me Mr. Crab but I like to introduce myself, Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC
Auburn and Tennessee fans are a lot like Slinkys...neither are worth much but you do get a sense of satisfaction from pushing them down a flight of stairs
by bamachine on Feb 5, 2010 4:49 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
What is going on, why is this happenning
and why is there a strawberry mascot, I’m so cunfused
Players who should be in the Hall of Fame: DIck Lebeau, Pat TIllman, Dwight White, Donnie Shell, L.C. Greenwood, Ray Guy, Steve Tasker, Greg Llyod, Andy Russel, Cris Carter, Kevin Greene and Jerry Kramer
I want to have sex with this moment. And get this moment pregnant. VAsaintsfan after the 2009 NFC championship game
Canal Street Chronicles resident Steelers Fan
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