WHAT YOU SEE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WATCHING RECRUITING

After watching recruiting for five hours straight, a kind of hallucination takes hold. You first see a recruit, then a bunch of hats sitting on a table arrayed in a neat row in front of him. Then, he begins to speak in the mumbly tones of most eighteen year olds about how hard this decision has been, and the the twerp with the huge tie and gelled, immobile hair asks him where he's going, and he picks up one hat, but then reveals another, slightly smaller hat beneath it. 

This continues: one hat, then a smaller hat, and then a smaller hat, and then a smaller hat, and then on and on and on and on until he's pulling them apart with tweezers, and then to the molecular level, and then into the subatomic level where there's just little quark-sized hats he keeps peeling away, and then ultimately this high school recruit is just left with Raptor Jesus holding the secret of the universe in one hand and the hat of the school he's going to actually attend in the other. 

Perhaps we need to need to stop watching ESPNU. You see tentacles coming out of Todd McShay's ears, right? And the vial of the blood of Solomon around his neck that the angel in my ear is telling me is necessary for the salvation of the universe, yes?